How to drive a woman crazy

Discussion in 'Tell It Like It Is!' started by Fillies Fan, Oct 23, 2018.

  1. Fillies Fan

    Fillies Fan International Man of Mystery! Trader Group

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    A Russian friend (named Marina) I have mentioned a few times was very upset. Her cellphone allowed her to send messages and use other apps but it did not let her get or make telephone calls. (Actually, once in a while it did but most of the time neither side could hear the other.)

    She could not afford a new phone but I have an old cellphone that works perfectly. I only bought a new one for about a year ago because I wanted a bigger screen. She was very happy when I offered it to her and today we drove to the store where I had bought my old phone and she had bought hers. What we wanted to do was put her SIM card into the phone I gave her.

    They could not do it because her phone was an iPhone and my phone as an Android. Apparently, Apple does not want anyone to move info into any phone which Apple does not make. She finally decided to keep all her info in the iPhone but make telephone calls from mine. She is certain that her husband can figure out how to do this. He will try tonight.

    That being out of the way, we walked to a nearby store which sells various bath items (soaps, oils, creams, etc) and I bought collections for two other Russian women. They will be included in the Christmas sacks which I am getting ready for both families. I explained to Marina that it is impossible to have too many Russian girlfriends. (Actually, neither Marina or either of the other two are my girlfriends. All three are far too young to be interested in me and are happily married with children. Still, I like to joke that they are my girlfriends.)

    Then we went to a Pizza Hut whose owner has been a friend for about 4 years. We sat outside and he came over to clean our table (there was a lot of dirt from a sandstorm). I told him, as Marina listened, only to clean my side of the table.

    "I am an American," I said, "so my side has to be clean. She is Russian so it doesn't matter."

    See? It is very easy to drive a woman crazy. :D
     
  2. Jorainna

    Jorainna Finder of Lost "Blinkies" Staff Member Moderator Trader Group

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    @Fillies Fan ... I love that most of the time you can make me smile ... LOL! You have a great out look on life, and have fun living it. :)
     
  3. Fillies Fan

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    I see Marina almost every Sunday, usually to have a late breakfast or an early lunch. She is very happy to come with me because:

    a. Her family's budget does not allow her to eat at restaurants.
    b. She is stuck in her house all day with her 3-year-old daughter. Even when the 11-year-old gets home from school (usually between 1:30 and 3:30, depending on her school class schedule), Marina does not feel she is old enough to watch her little sister for more than short periods.

    When I invite her to eat, both those problems are instantly solved.

    Of course, I continue in my quest to drive her crazy. This Sunday, I took her to a restaurant and while we were waiting for our meals, I asked her if she would like to see magic. She said she would, so I put my cell phone on the table between us and told her that, with her help, I could make the phone rise in the air, spin around, and then return to the table. She didn't believe me but was willing to try.

    I told her to place one hand, palm up, on the table. She did so and I put my hand on top of it (palm down).

    I then put my other hand on the table (palm up) and told her to put her other hand on top of it, palm down.

    I then told her that both she and I have to concentrate on the phone and will it to rise. We did. The phone did not move. I then asked her if she saw the phone go up and she said she didn't.

    "Neither did I," I said, "but I loved sitting here holding hands with you."

    Have you ever seen a woman both blush and crack up laughing at the same time? Marina managed to do that.
     
  4. Jorainna

    Jorainna Finder of Lost "Blinkies" Staff Member Moderator Trader Group

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    @Fillies Fan - I am convinced that you are incorrigible! LOL
     
  5. Fillies Fan

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    Maybe so, but hundreds of women throughout the world can testify that I am easily encouragible.
     
  6. Fillies Fan

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    Tomorrow is my next step in my nefarious plan to drive Marina crazy.

    I have taken her and her older daughter a few times to what I consider to be the best hamburger place in Israel. Believe it or not, it even has bacon cheeseburgers! There is also an artisanal chocolate shop near it. The manager and his sole assistant are Russian so it gives Marina somebody to talk with -- and who can explain to her what each chocolate contains (my favorites are mint and pistachio).

    Marina is actually quite shy and hence very easy to embarrass. The last time we went to the chocolate shop, I told her that I had taken my daughter (who is about Marina's age) there and told the manager that Marina is my Russian wife and introduced my daughter as my American wife. When Marina heard this, she was afraid to go into the shop because she was afraid that the manager actually believes that she is one of my two wives.

    Tomorrow, we are going back to the hamburger restaurant and the chocolate shop. However, there is another mother and daughter who are going with us. They are mutual friends of Marina (and her daughter) and myself but haven't seen each other for a while. Both women and both daughters are really looking forward to this.

    What Marina does not know is that I plan on introducing this woman to the manager as my third wife. I am going to add that the friend is my Israeli wife and while my Israeli wife and my Russian wife know about each other, my American wife doesn't know about either of them so the next time I come with her to please not mention them to her.

    The friend knows about my plan but I expect Marina to turn about 15 different shades of red!
     
  7. Jorainna

    Jorainna Finder of Lost "Blinkies" Staff Member Moderator Trader Group

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    omg ... LOL ... have you no shame @Fillies Fan? :D I can't stop laughing!
     
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  8. jastwins

    jastwins ※Kaboom!・:・:・゜ Trader Group

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    Hysterical, @Fillies Fan. Please let us know how it goes.
     
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  9. Fillies Fan

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    The children and I had a great time. I am not certain about the mothers.

    Firstly, the girls were thrilled to see each other. They used to go to school together before Marina's family moved and were best friends.

    After the reunion in the parking lot in front of Marina's apartment, we headed for the restaurant. As I mentioned earlier, it is the best place in Israel for hamburgers -- which did not overly help Limor (the other mother). She is a vegetarian and had to settle for a veggie burger.

    Marina became uncomfortable when she saw me pouring rum into my Coca-Cola. She doesn't touch alcohol because her first husband, and the group he hung out with, turned into a group of loud, obnoxious, mean drunks who all wound up losing their jobs. She had never seen me drink before because I refuse to have any booze unless I know I am not going to drive for at least four hours and usually I am the driver when we meet. Today Limor drove. As I have only one drink per day, and it is a measured single shot, I knew I was not going to get drunk (I have only been drunk twice in my life and don't enjoy it). Still, Marina was concerned.

    After lunch, we headed for the chocolate shop. By now, the manager knows me well and was not surprised when I introduced Limor as my Israeli wife. I told him (as Marina listened) that I have only the three wives -- Marina (the Russian wife), Limor, and my daughter (who I identified as my American wife). I warned him never to mention Marina and Limor to my American wife as she doesn't know about them. Limor loved it but Marina looked like she was going to melt like an ice cube in the hot sun. I made it worse when I told the manager that the two girls were 11-years-old and I had a wonderful weekend nine months before they were born.

    I then got both Marina and Limor worried when I told them they could only advise their daughters which chocolates to buy -- and could not put a limit on it. I told the girls that they could get as much as they wanted. The total bill for the chocolates was 645 shekels (roughly $177) but the girls were not responsible for all of it. I phoned my daughter and asked what she wants, I got a few chocolates for myself, and both Limor and Marina broke down and took some chocolates for themselves.

    I wanted to have a smoke, so I went outside and handed my credit card to Marina and told her to pay when they were finished. She did it but was practically trembling when she came out and handed me the receipt. She was afraid I would be furious about the price!

    I looked at the receipt and said, "this is not good". Marina was certain that I meant it was too expensive. I told her that what was no good is that we hadn't had ice cream for dessert and promptly took them to a nearby ice cream parlor, where the girls each had their fill and Marina broke down and had some herself. (In addition to being a vegetarian, Limor doesn't like ice cream.)

    I couldn't even finish lunch in the hamburger place but everyone else cleaned their plates and I still can't figure out how both 11-year-old girls managed to get through three-scoop ice cream plates.
     
  10. jastwins

    jastwins ※Kaboom!・:・:・゜ Trader Group

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    @Fillies Fan , Marina will figure you out one day. Hope she enjoyed seeing how happy the girls were and what a nice day everyone had. You are a generous soul and it did you more good for you than it did for them.
     
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  11. Fillies Fan

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    @jastwins , I have long told Marina that when I buy something for her or her family -- and when I buy Christmas gifts for several families -- I am actually spending the money on myself. I very much hope that they like what they are getting but my motivation is the sheer pleasure that I get by giving to them.

    Marina couldn't help but see how happy the girls were -- their faces and their giggling gave that away, especially when they were told that they could get as much chocolate as they want and their mothers could not place limits on them. What the girls do not realize is that I have been playing a dirty trick on them. The shop, and its sister shop in another city, are the only places where you can get these very special (and incredibly delicious) chocolates. They will never again be satisfied by a routine, mass-produced, chocolate bar.

    For that matter, Limor's daughter, who until yesterday considered McDonald's to be the height of fine dining, had a big shock when she finally tasted a really good hamburger. The twin arches have lost their appeal for her.

    Figuring, however, that I had not made Limor's life miserable enough, I had her stop at a mall on the way home and ducked into a toy store where I bought a "Simon" for her daughter. She sat in the back of the car playing with it (which means creating a lot of noise) for the 30 minute drive home. I suspect that it is going to be quite a while before Limor has a quiet home again.

    Nobody has ever denied that I have a devilishly evil streak in me.
     
  12. Fillies Fan

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    My quest to drive Marina crazy is continuing.

    On Sunday, I drove to her house to pick her up for lunch (as I do most Sundays). She and her husband were waiting outside for me. They explained that their Israeli passports, as well as that of their oldest daughter, is about to expire. They had gone to the Interior Ministry to renew them and were told that it would cost 800 shekels (roughly $220), which is a lot of money for them. However, they could do it for half the price by going on the internet and paying with a credit card.

    The problem was that they do not have a credit card (they don't have enough money for a bank to give them one). They asked me if they could use my credit card and pay me the 400 shekels in cash. Of course, I agreed and we went to their apartment to do it. It did not take very long and Marina gave me the 400 shekels.

    I refused to take it. She and her husband insisted. I asked Marina if she would agree to kiss me for 400 shekels. She said only on my cheek. I told her that was not enough. Would she agree to a long, sexy, kiss on my mouth for 400 shekels? Of course, I knew she would refuse and she did.

    "I understand," I said, "but if you will not take 400 shekels for a kiss then you have to understand why I refuse to take 400 shekels for not getting a kiss".

    That answer put both her and her husband into hysterical laughter. We eventually reached a compromise: She would keep the 400 shekels but would have to pay for lunch. We headed to the place with the great hamburgers but it was not open yet and she walked with me to the chocolate shop. I bought a few things for myself, as well as an apple pie to take home, and Marina bought some things. I started to pay but Marina took out the money she had planned to give me. I objected, saying that she only has to pay for lunch. However, as the manager of the shop is Russian, she had the advantage and he took her money, not mine.

    By the time lunch was paid for, Marina had about 80 shekels left of the 400. She gave me 30 shekels in coins, which we agreed would go into my piggy bank (which is emptied and kept by her daughter when it gets full). Marina now had 50 shekels left and told me that it was a lot of fun for her to be able to pay for everything and now she understands why I enjoy it so much.

    The story, however, did not finish until the next day. I phoned her and said that I checked my credit card statement and the 400 shekels had come out but there was also a charge for four round/trip flights to Russia. I said that I looked into this and was told that the tickets were bought for her, her husband, and their two daughters.

    She was shocked. She swore that she did not buy the tickets and knows nothing about them. I told her that is impossible and she purposely used my credit card so that I would have to pay for the flights. She kept objecting until she realized that I was teasing her and that there were no such charges. :D
     
  13. Fillies Fan

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    Today, I had to go to the city where Marina lives. I hadn't planned on it but I found out only late yesterday that I needed to go to the DMV to get a copy of my registration.

    When I finished, I called Marina to see if she would like to have lunch. She told me that she was in a pharmacy but would finish in a few minutes. As it turned out, the pharmacy was in the next building to the DMV so I waited outside. When she was finished she was in a bit of a panic -- the total for the medications which her husband needs was 300 shekels, which is 100 more than she had with her.

    She asked me if I have 100 shekels ($28) that I could loan to her until we could get to her house. I gave her the 100 shekels and then we (Marina, her 3-year-old daughter, and I) went to eat. She kept telling me that she has the 100 shekels in her house but I refused to take it.

    She said that if I don't she won't feel free to ask me for money again in a similar situation. I reminded her that she has often said that she feels like a member of my family (the 11-year-old tells people I am her American grandfather).

    I then told Marina that there are only two possibilities -- one is that she will make love to me when we get to her house, the other is that she will not.

    "I gave you money," I said, "and if a woman makes love to a man after he gives her money, that means she is a prostitute. On the other hand, there is no way I would make love to a member of my family -- and if you are a family member then I have the right to give you money whenever I want".

    It did not take her very long to decide that she is a family member.

    The 3-year-old came to the same decision when she saw a wooden rocking horse in a toy shop. She does not speak either Hebrew or English, and my command of Russian is limited to about 5 words, but she made herself quite clear when she took my hand, walked to the rocking horse, and sat on it.

    I got the rocking horse for her. I was happy. The little girl was happy. Marina was very embarrassed. That made me even happier as it furthers my evil plan of driving her crazy. :)
     
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  14. jastwins

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    @Fillies Fan I love that the 3 year old girl has you figured out. LOL
     
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  15. Fillies Fan

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    Yesterday, Marina turned the tables and succeeded in driving me crazy (although it was not her intention).
    Most Sundays, I take her to lunch along with Olga (the 3-year-old) and Polina (the 11-year-old) if she has no school that day.

    I always call on Saturday to confirm that Marina wants to go. This Saturday, she told me that she has a very bad stomach virus and won't be able to go on Sunday. On Sunday afternoon, she told me that she is feeling better and might be able to go on Monday. I called Monday (yesterday) morning and she told me that she is now healthy but that her husband and Olga are now the ones who are sick. Her husband cannot even get out of bed to watch Olga, much less drive anywhere.

    She asked me if I would be willing to drive to a pharmacy and get two OTC medicines for Olga and her husband. It is a 30 kilometer drive each way but there was no way I could bring myself to refuse her. She also asked if I could stop in a supermarket and get some bottles of mineral water as she thinks there is a possibility that something in the tap water is what is getting her sick.

    I arrived at the pharmacy at 8 am, found out that it does not open until 9 am, picked up the water and a broiled chicken for the family to eat in the evening, killed time by having a chocolate souffle at an adjacent cafe, returned to the pharmacy, got the medicines, and brought them to her house.

    I also suggested that she bring Olga to a doctor. Her husband agreed. She called the pediatrician, got an appointment, and we drove there. The pediatrician said that Olga should be taken to the hospital (which is about 50 kilometers from Marina's house).

    I pointed out that my house is much closer to the hospital than her house is so she would be best off, if Olga stays in the hospital, to return with me in the evening. Clearly, this would mean her having to pack some things and we stopped at her house to get them.

    While she was collecting these things (which took her about 30 minutes) I sat in my car. She came down and said that Olga seems to be much better and she called the pediatrician who said that unless Olga starts showing symptoms (by which I mean emptying her stomach from both her top and her bottom) she does not have to go to the hospital.

    I then suggested that I take Marina to Pizza Hut so that she can get one "to go" so that Polina will have something to eat after school. Marina agreed. I called Marina in the evening to find out how everyone was feeling and she said that her husband is still sick, Olga is better, but Polina came home from school yesterday feeling sick.

    What is driving me crazy is that Marina did not offer to pay for the medicines I bought or what I go her in the supermarket. I can't figure out if this is because she doesn't have the money (very possible), she was too upset about Olga and her husband (also possible) or because she knows from experience that I never let her pay for anything when she goes shopping with me -- and just assumed that it applies when she asks me to bring something to her house.

    I am not at all upset about it but just very curious. I can't ask her why because it would embarrass her and I won't subject her to that.

    For all that, I called her this morning, found that both girls are feeling well (although Polina used yesterday's stomach problems as an excuse not to go to school today). Her husband is still sick and is now running a 102 fever. I am going to take Marina and the girls to their favorite hamburger place for lunch and have suggested that I take her husband to the doctor (it is a short drive from her house but with a fever it is not wise to get behind the wheel).
     
  16. Jorainna

    Jorainna Finder of Lost "Blinkies" Staff Member Moderator Trader Group

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  17. Fillies Fan

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    It seems to be going around. I had it about a month ago so I should be safe from it now.
     
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  18. Fillies Fan

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    Okay, it was back to normal today with me driving Marina crazy.

    Marina is a bit of a germophobe. She always carries a bottle of alcohol-based hygienic gel for cleaning hands without water. If she (or one of her daughters) touches anything which she suspects that someone who might be sick has touched, she whips out the bottle for a hand cleaning. This includes the railing on the stairs in her apartment house -- someone else in the building may have walked up or down the stairs when sick.

    Today, during lunch, I told her of some American dating rituals. I said that if a man meets a woman in a casual manner, he would first ask her to lunch or to have a cup of coffee. If that goes well, he would invite her to dinner -- but in the middle of the week. If dinner is successful, he will take her to another dinner, but this time on a Friday night, and it may include a movie or a show.

    The first time the woman invites him to her house and cooks dinner, he will show up with a bottle of wine or some chocolates and very possibly a dozen white or yellow roses -- but not red roses as those signify that he loves her. Later in their relationship, he would give her a dozen red roses.

    I said that I have a problem in giving her the right thing. After all, I take her to lunch at least once a week and often we go to that chocolate shop. It is much too late for me to do that in the beginning of a relationship.

    On the other hand, as she is married, I can't take her to dinner leaving her husband to watch the children and giving her red roses would be very out of place. I told her I thought about it a lot and finally came up with the perfect present for her.

    I handed her a bag containing a dozen bottles of the hand-cleaning gel!
     
  19. Fillies Fan

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    On Sunday (a working day in Israel), as usual, I took Marina and Olga to lunch and then to the supermarket.

    Yesterday, Tuesday, Polina gets out of school early (1 pm) and I called Marina and told her I would like to take the three of them to lunch. I gave Polina the choice of where we would eat and she selected a very inexpensive hamburger place near her house. We went there, ate, and Marina told me that she had to buy a few things at the supermarket. She was embarrassed to say this as I had filled her cart two days earlier and she made it a point to say that she was going to pay this time.

    We drove there and I told her that to be certain that she pays I am not even going to go into the super with her. I said that I would be somewhere in the shopping center and she could call me when she is finished.

    I then asked Polina to join me, which she did, and we headed to one of her favorite clothing shops. I told her she could get whatever she wants. A few minutes later she showed me two t-shirts, in different colors, and asked which she should get. I told her "both of them". I also told her that there are a lot of other things in the shop and she should not waste the opportunity by settling for two t-shirts. She should put them in a basket and continue shopping.

    I was particularly curious as to how many things Polina would buy and felt particularly generous because the shop was giving a 70% discount to all members of its club (which I am). As I knew that my yearly membership would soon expire and if I renewed it immediately, I would get a 30% point bonus. Each point equals 1 shekel which can be used the next time I buy something.

    There was a long check out line at the supermarket and by the time that Marina phoned me to ask where we were, Polina had quite a few things in that basket and was still going strong. Marina was a bit shocked when she saw how many things Polina had already selected -- and more so when I said that Polina was not finished.

    "How much can she spend?" Marina asked me. I then gave her a Hebrew lesson -- the word "gvul" has two meanings in Hebrew: both "international border" and "limit". I pointed out that her city is near the gvul with Lebanon and that it is clearly marked. I asked her if she sees any gvul in the store. Of course, she did not.

    I said that if I start to hold her hand she might allow me to do so but if I tried anything further she would say "Yesh gvul" (literally, "there is a limit" but in practical terms it means, "no way am I going to allow that").

    I then told her that when I take Polina to that store, "ain gvul" ("there is no limit"). Olga, the three-year-old, suddenly decided that she wants a new pair of shoes. Unfortunately, the only pair she saw that she liked was for a 1-year-old and she was in tears when Marina told her that she could not fit into them. Fortunately, I was able to find a pair of house slippers in her size that she liked.

    End of day: The bill came to 644 shekels, of which 50 shekels was for the renewal of my membership. In dollar terms, that meant I spent $163. However, if there had not been the 70% off sale, the clothing would have cost $546. I also got 193 points ($53) which can be used next time. So, looking at it as any HCWer would, it means that I actually spent $111 for $546 worth of clothes.

    Marina, of course, is not an HCWer and could only see the full price (pre-sale) of the clothing and was in a state of shock. This being June, however, and the Israeli summer lasting through October, Polina will get a lot of use out of the clothing before I take her to get winter outfits.
     
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  20. Fillies Fan

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    Today, knowing that Marina was alone in her apartment, I went there and tried to seduce her. When she refused, I took back all of the clothing that I had ever bought for her or her children and emptied the refrigerator of the food I had purchased on Sunday.

    I would have posted this earlier but the site was having problems.

    (Okay, only that last sentence is true. The rest is a lie. However, as this thread is called "How to drive a woman crazy", I figured by making this post I could succeed in driving a bunch of women crazy and not just Marina.)
     
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