Always pay for someone's lunch???

[jkljkl]

I haven't posted here in a while, but have a money issue I wanted to vent about.

There is this person I know (not a close friend, though), in a group of friends, and we've been meeting out for lunch for many years now. This person has been chronically unemployed for 10 years. She has a college degree and just has bad luck with jobs and such. I sympathized for a long time, because I've been unemployed myself. But again, this has been going on 10 years and she can't seem to hold a job down for any length of time.

Someone in our group always buys her lunch, every time. Its never questioned. I have paid her way also several times. A few years ago, I decided to quit paying for her. I feel its a burden, and a burden on others as well. I also believe she could - at least- buy a modestly priced menu item on her own, without help. Recently I got a "GUILT EMAIL" from someone else, about not ever picking up her lunch tab anymore. Made me angry, because we have medical bills right now that we haven't told people about, I am not an ATM machine with money to hand out. How would you reply?

[amylynne01]

I wouldnt. Its none if the other persons business if you buy the lady lunch or not. If it bothers you that much, stop having lunch with them.

[lmcconne]

I'd probably respond something snide like "X is not my chosen charity this year."

[meggers]

I'd say, "I'd love to go, but I'm having some financial issues due to unexpected medical bills & while I know you'd all graciously pay my way, I wouldn't dream of being a financial burden on my friends for such a luxury item." Maybe a little class would rub off in the process & trickle down to the unemployed lady.

[Macaela25]

I understand where you're coming from on this.

I help oversee the help our church provides for the members, and we had a lady like this for awhile. Stay at home mom with no husband who kept managing to have another baby every year...never worked a day in her life, "just dedicating my time to raising my babies". Nice, eh? She only showed up to church when she needed help, and wouldn't come again for a month or two. The other ladies obsessed over helping her....someone always babysat her kids so she could go to gym, took her to lunch, any leftovers from church dinners automatically went to her, etc. At one point church members remodeled her house, furnished it, and fully stocked all the cupboards.

While I have absolutely no problem with this as a whole, there were plenty of other active, long-time members who were struggling badly whom I could barely scrape together help for. It was maddening to hear, "Oh X will pull through...they've got a support system....put poor Z has no one to depend on but us." Argh!!! This woman has blithely taken these handouts for years and has come to expect them...she even had the nerve to ask when the baby shower for her latest addition (#7) was going to be.

From a social standpoint, I am floored that your "friend" has the guts to mooch off of others regularly for ten years. If I can't afford something, I don't do it....period. I don't expect any less of anyone else.

I would continue to go out with the group, but my reply to any questions would be, "Things are getting a little tight now, and I'm only able to pay for my own meal." I'd be willing to bet that everyone else is just as aggravated with the situation as you are and are hoping someone will step forward and talk to your mooching friend, especially now since more of the burden has shifted to the rest of the group. For someone to expect you to pay for someone else is ludicrous, unless you're taking someone out for their birthday or something like that.

[3timesoccermom]

It seems to me whenever you get a group there's always someone who's a slacker on paying or a cheapskate on the tip.

I wonder if the moocher said something to the person who sent you the email and that's why they sent it.

I'd probably just say "you know, I took plenty of turns buying her lunch. I think it's time she did something to return the favors for all of us who have done that for her for 10 years."

I wouldn't worry about it a minute longer. Most likely 10 years from now she'll still be mooching lunch off people.

And what's that saying, "there's a sucker born every minute" or something like that? Doesn't have to be you though.

[clippyclippy]

I'd say, something like, "I know she's struggled for a long time, and I was happy to help while I could, but now my own finances have become tight and I'm no longer able to help out in that way."

[shans3boys]

There's always one in every group. I agree with the above comments - raise yourself above the fray and reply that you've "been there, done that, moved on to another charity" case.

Don't be a lemming!

[jkljkl]

I understand where you're coming from on this.

I help oversee the help our church provides for the members, and we had a lady like this for awhile. Stay at home mom with no husband who kept managing to have another baby every year...never worked a day in her life, "just dedicating my time to raising my babies". Nice, eh? She only showed up to church when she needed help, and wouldn't come again for a month or two. The other ladies obsessed over helping her....someone always babysat her kids so she could go to gym, took her to lunch, any leftovers from church dinners automatically went to her, etc. At one point church members remodeled her house, furnished it, and fully stocked all the cupboards.

I know what you are talking about, because we had a married couple at our church like that woman. They constantly got tons of charity from everyone, including large cash gifts every Christmas.The irony is, they were married, educated, in good health. They didn't really need all this assistance. But they know how to work people and situations to their advantage. They were also very popular, everyone liked them. But, we had elderly people at our church, who lived in a fixed income, and nobody seemed to care.

I also think church people are vulnerable to being exploited by con artists. My mom used to work for a church and ran across these types all the time.

What I don't like about this woman who gets free lunches, is that I've noticed she refuses to go join in a social event, unless someone offers to pay. This strikes me as manipulative.

[Whataboutj]

This sounds just like my sister in every way. When she is with us/the family out for a meal she doesn't even make an attempt or an offer to pay, not even a reach for her purse. She assumes my mom, my father in law, or I will pay. In fact the only time I know of her paying for a meal was at my wifes bachlorette weekend lunch - when the bill came and all the other girsl were splitting it up and paying for my wife's meal because it was her bachlorette weekend my sister shorted the pot by $3 and didn't want to admit it. After about 15-20 minutes of them trying to figure out why the money was short my sister finally fessed up and said she only drank water so she didn't feel she should pay as much because everyone else had a soda!!!

When I finally got fed up with her I was very frank with everyone about it and just told them I was not going to pay for her anymore. Now I go as far as telling her how much she owes for her portion of the meal in front of the entire family - what's she gonna do argue with me about it?

If I were you I would not only be frank with the person who e-mailed you but I would say something to the moocher - be nice about it of course. At the bare minimum tell the other people how you feel. I guess the worst case scenario is you stop having lunch with htis group but that seems to be extreme givne you have been having lunch with them for a long time and why should you not enjoy the others company over the one "Bad apple"

That's just my $.02 though - I wish you the best of luck with this - it's not the easiest situation to deal with for sure
J