Always pay for someone's lunch???

[jonjaktez]

If I responded I would tell the person that it's MY decison on how I spend my money and after 10 years I feel that this lady should be able to pay for her own lunch. If she cannot then she needs to stay at home.

I'd also put in there that I was brought up to help people out but not support their eating out habit.

Then I'd copy every person in the group on the email and lastly say if you felt this strongly then you should have talked to em in person and not behind a computer.

[BostonRed]

We got closer and then she ordered... i looked at her, and she goes oh i looked and i found money in my purse! after that i think she just had been doing that all along. pissed me off royally. our husbands worked the same type of job, made the same money.

You're shopping...with money? And she doesn't have the money to pay? And you told her you weren't treating? Sorry, do that to me and you're left standing at the register, looking like a fool. Maybe I'll lend her some money, but she has dug her own hole there.

[saversavory]

You're shopping...with money? And she doesn't have the money to pay? And you told her you weren't treating? Sorry, do that to me and you're left standing at the register, looking like a fool. Maybe I'll lend her some money, but she has dug her own hole there.

i think it got to be that it was expected, and i never qwuestioned that her and her daughter would just not eat, andi would feel guilty and honestly would never let a child go hungry while i eat in front of her!.. i think it just got to the point where she really saw i wasnt going to do it because i chose a non sit down place where her child and her could go mosey about at walmart while i tried to eat my sandwich. It got down to the wire and then bango she had money.

[blossomed]

I'd say, something like, "I know she's struggled for a long time, and I was happy to help while I could, but now my own finances have become tight and I'm no longer able to help out in that way."

I like this answer! Simple! I would not even say about my own finances - just my circumstances have changed.

[jkljkl]

i think it got to be that it was expected, and i never qwuestioned that her and her daughter would just not eat, andi would feel guilty and honestly would never let a child go hungry while i eat in front of her!.. i think it just got to the point where she really saw i wasnt going to do it because i chose a non sit down place where her child and her could go mosey about at walmart while i tried to eat my sandwich. It got down to the wire and then bango she had money.

I think you will find out that many of these types of people, DO have the money to pay for their own food. They just don't want to. I'd bet that ninety percent of the time, they do have cash in their wallet.

I used to know this really cheap guy, and once I was out with him and some friends. They said they caught a glimpse when he opened his wallet, and he had several one-hundred dollar bills in it. But he was trying to get other people to pay for him.

[$Saving!]

I understand where you're coming from on this.

I help oversee the help our church provides for the members, and we had a lady like this for awhile. Stay at home mom with no husband who kept managing to have another baby every year...never worked a day in her life, "just dedicating my time to raising my babies". Nice, eh? She only showed up to church when she needed help, and wouldn't come again for a month or two. The other ladies obsessed over helping her....someone always babysat her kids so she could go to gym, took her to lunch, any leftovers from church dinners automatically went to her, etc. At one point church members remodeled her house, furnished it, and fully stocked all the cupboards.

While I have absolutely no problem with this as a whole, there were plenty of other active, long-time members who were struggling badly whom I could barely scrape together help for. It was maddening to hear, "Oh X will pull through...they've got a support system....put poor Z has no one to depend on but us." Argh!!! This woman has blithely taken these handouts for years and has come to expect them...she even had the nerve to ask when the baby shower for her latest addition (#7) was going to be.

From a social standpoint, I am floored that your "friend" has the guts to mooch off of others regularly for ten years. If I can't afford something, I don't do it....period. I don't expect any less of anyone else.

I would continue to go out with the group, but my reply to any questions would be, "Things are getting a little tight now, and I'm only able to pay for my own meal." I'd be willing to bet that everyone else is just as aggravated with the situation as you are and are hoping someone will step forward and talk to your mooching friend, especially now since more of the burden has shifted to the rest of the group. For someone to expect you to pay for someone else is ludicrous, unless you're taking someone out for their birthday or something like that.

The example of the lady taking advantage of the church and those at the church giving endlessly as well as the original post about the unemployed friend mooching lunches for a decade.....

Anyone who continues to support someone like that is just enabling. Nothing more, nothing less. As long as there are people who enable those like this, there will always be people who find that acceptable and will continue to let others do what they could do for themselves.

A good book about this type of dysfunctional 'relationship' is called Co-Dependent No More. I suggest some might benefit from reading it.