How do you interpret this?

[tivaclare]

Long story short, after numerous polite (but direct) hints NOT to, my BIL is coming to visit us for 10 days. This is a very inconvient time for a variety of reasons, but he's flight is booked, so now we're stuck.

We live in the middle of NOWHERE in New Mexico. There is nothing here to entertain him with. His favorite things to do seem to be shopping and dining out. We don't have the money or facilities for either.

BIL has said he'd like to take an overnight trip to Albuquerque. This is about 200 miles one way from where we live. DH agreed, but now we've looked at our finances and realized we were worse off than we thought. The truth is, we absolutley cannot afford to have BIL visit. We have no extra money for gas, or "entertainment". None.

I emailed BIL last night and nicely, but very firmly said that we're broke. We have no money to do ANYTHING. We're a family of 4 on an already tight budget and DH will be leaving the Air Force in the fall, so we're tightening things even more.

BIL wrote back and took it pretty well. He wrote the following. I take it to mean that he'll cover the trip to Alb., DH isn't so sure. What do you think? We cannot get in a situation where we think we're covered and then find out we're expected to pay for even half. BIL is not the best at listening or explaining, so I'm trying to find a tactful way to confirm that we won't be expected to cover the cost of this trip in any way. We really can't even afford to dish out for meals, except for maybe $1 menu stuff, and he's not a value meal kind of guy.

Overall DH and I are both really stressed that he's coming. Now is not a good time and we both have been saying as much for months. I even advised he come visit once we're out of the AF and back home by all the other family. Last time he came to visit for a week we ate out for EVERY meal and he chipped in no gas $$. I racked up hundreds of dollars in credit card bills. This time he's coming for 10 days!! I guess it's a good and bad thing that we no longer have the cards to fall back on.

"I can call the Kirtland AFB lodging office to see if they have a couple rooms available the weekend after I arrive. I'm sure we can find things to do and see that don't cost much or anything at all. I'm waiting on a reimbursement from Finance for my deployment. Once that makes it's way to my checking account, a weekend in Albaquerque will be no burden."

[mama22qts]

(hugs)

Is this guy close enough to you that you can say "so does that mean you will pay for it??"

I'm serious. He's staying for 10 (!!!) days. It's going to be VERY sticky if y'all can't communicate very directly.

Does he know, really know, he's going to be sitting on the couch for 10 days?

Please tell me you won't feel the need to cook extra special for him. I feel for you!

[loladooder99]

Your just doing to have to stick to your guns so to speak. Its not your responsibility to pay for anything. So don't especially with four kids and your in the military. if he doesn't understand your situation then thats his problem.

[puakinikini]

Poor you - I hate family dynamics like this. My advice is just continue to be direct with him. While he is there, play cards, talk, and just enjoy each others company. If he is not there to spend time with you and your DH and your kids, then he is out of luck. Anything you do that is extra, he should pay for.

[billig]

Being the devils advocate...maybe he has some disease and is going to die and needs to come see you.
then again, maybe he's just a thoughtless a$$.

For sure you'll have to ask if he's paying for everything for ABQ, lodging, gas, meals, be specific...and explain you have 2 cents to rub together and you'd gladly give him the 2 cents but THAT'S IT! Thank him profusely.
And tell him that he in no way owes paying for you guys, so if he wants to go there by himself, that's ok too.
And absolutely stick to your guns about eating at home. If he offers to buy groceries, let him go to the store by himself....or it might mix up who pays for what. kwim? If he offers that, you should offer to cook what ever he desires to bring home.

And do your best to have some games or something planned every evening, that the kids will enjoy and you can do at home. Be glad to spend time with him, just chatting about life every day.

And go to your bedroom, shut the door and laydown for 20 minutes when it's too much. Before he comes, make a pact with your husband that when he comes home from work that you'd appreciate him being an interested host for 30 minutes so you can go relax. It's hard having small talk all day long.

[billig]

I forgot...
I love to secretly tell the kids something they should ask the relative later, so they can learn something about the relatives past. People love being asked about themselves. Could make for good dinner conversation....like "What was Dad like when he was little?"
Did you and Dad argue when you were little like sis and I?

[tivaclare]

Thanks. I meant to add, BIL doesn't mean to be a pain. He's 33, single, and I can tell very much wants a family. I think he's extremely lonely, so he's decided to come and see us. We have a 2.5 year old and 5 month old. He hasn't met our baby yet (son) and hasn't seen DD since September.

He means well, but is very high maintenance and doesn't seem to realize it. Also, we are a family of 4 total, not 4 kids, lol. (heavens no!!) He just doesn't connect dots very well. He's a rank above DH in the AF, so he knows we don't have a lot and he knows we have bills, but he like I said, he doesn't always connect that to not being able to eat a $60 meal.

Thanks for the advice. I will respond to his email and try my best to ensure the weekend trip is on him. I'm supplying free room and board for 10 days, so that's my contribution. I'm also hoping he chips in more gas money than just the trip because it's 100 mile drive one way just to get him from the airport!!

[tmsmalley]

I think that the first problem you've got is the word "hint". The second is that this is your BIL, I'm assuming that means he's your dh's brother? If so, your dh needs to pick up the phone and talk to him directly. This should have happened long before this and you/dh should have said something along the lines of:

We'd love to have you come, but remember, we have no entertainment here and can't afford to be going out. If you want to hang out and watch videos and chit chat with us, and see your nephew/niece great. If you're looking for trips into Albuquerque, you're welcome to make those but we won't be able to join you.

Good luck!
Tess

[kval07]

I think that the first problem you've got is the word "hint". The second is that this is your BIL, I'm assuming that means he's your dh's brother? If so, your dh needs to pick up the phone and talk to him directly. This should have happened long before this and you/dh should have said something along the lines of:

We'd love to have you come, but remember, we have no entertainment here and can't afford to be going out. If you want to hang out and watch videos and chit chat with us, and see your nephew/niece great. If you're looking for trips into Albuquerque, you're welcome to make those but we won't be able to join you.

Good luck!
Tess

Exactly what Tess said. Some people just can't take hints. If your BIL is like my DF, he may need you to just spell it out for him.

[tinabohio]

If he starts to ask to be entertained- very nicely show him hulu.com. That place is my dad's entertainment! He lives on there sometimes and it keeps him occupied for hours (and out of moms hair). If it works for dad...
Or you can corrupt him and introduce him to HCW! I'm sure just learning the lingo will eat up a bunch of time!
I have had to deal with family like that and it's frustrating to try and get through to them that, while $25 may not seem like much to them, it's sometimes what I try and feed my family with for the week!