Friend has really dirty house -- What do I do?

[tivaclare]

*Edit*My conclusion: I'd like to thank everyone profoundly for their opinions. I do believe there is something much deeper going on than just having no time to clean. I've met my friend's mother several times when she visits and I feel I can talk to her. I'm going to try to discreetly contact her and express my concerns. She's even mentioned my point about how the house was spotless and then not, so I think she knows that something isn't quite right. She lives in Florida and we're in New Mexico, so there's nothing she can physically do, but maybe she'll have some advice.

I would like some opinions on what to do regarding my friend’s dirty house. But before I get started, please no flamers. I will be the first to admit I am no domestic goddess. To be truthful, there was a time when my disregard for my home hurt my marriage. My house was by no means a health hazard, but it certainly was not the house my family deserved. I am not saying I’m perfect. I do have a genuine concern for my friend’s family.

Our situations are almost identical: we both have husbands in the Air Force, and both have 2 kids, each born within months of each other (2 year olds, and newborns), so I can emphasize with the lifestyle and situations.

Without too much back story, I’ve seen the house an utter disaster before. A year she was put on bed rest with her pregnancy. I spent 3 days trying to prepare the house for her mom’s arrival and I made zero headway. My first day I did 3 loads in the dishwasher and countless sink loads of dishes and still had more for the next day. I also did probably 12+ loads of laundry, all of which had to be redone because her husband didn’t fold it, left it all over the floor and ants somehow ended up in it. (I’m still really annoyed about that!) The floors were covered in food, trash was stacking up…You get the picture. I put it down to my friend being so sick.

Well, last week she calls me and asks if it’s normal for her husband’s squadron to inspect her home. I told her she didn’t have to let them in, but recommended she call Legal to be sure. Then she told me that an officer in squadron said she could refuse their inspection, but they would just call social services instead. I guess her son got himself locked in a cupboard, and she called the cops to help get him out. It was an officer that saw the house and ordered the inspection. My friend told me that there had only been a few dishes in the sink, but the house was otherwise fine, so she didn’t know why this person was acting that way. She said the officer was single/no kids and “didn’t understand”.

At first I was furious that they were treating my friend this way…but when I went over the next night to babysit, I understood. It was déjà vu. Dishes stacked sky high, laundry piled up and food everywhere. Her husband had the dining room table covered in junk and they were having their son eat in the living room. I found at least 3 meals worth of food strewn across the floor and in the furniture. Trash in the kitchen, trash room, and living room was overflowing. I had to take out four bags, just to get into the cleaning closet. I started to clean the kitchen, but after about an hour and a half gave up. The feeling of been there, done that, kicked in. The last time I tried to help, the house was obliterated in less than two days.

I got really upset when it was time to for diaper changes. In the baby’s room there were 2 diaper genie type things and an open wastebasket –overflowing. I have two in diapers, so I know how quickly they can stack up, but this was just gross and unsanitary.

I don’t know what to do. This house goes beyond messy or untidy. Every time my daughter spends more than a few hours there, she has an asthma attack. She's only had a few episodes over the past 2 years, but most have happened after being there. Granted, my daughter is a special case, but I’m seriously wondering if the house is a healthy place for anyone.

I'm not sure if volunteering to help clean will matter. Like I said, been there, done that.

The biggest part I don’t get is this: when her husband was deployed, the house was immaculate. It was something out of Martha Stewart Living. Now, you can’t walk across the floor without tripping and crushing food.

What do I do? DH says to break all contact for different reasons I don't agree with, and I know he’s freak out if he knew the house was like that. I don’t want to lose the friendship. Our kids get along well, and they are nice people. I have, however, decided to limit our contact at the house since I’m positive it makes DD sick in its current state.

But, I also don’t know if my conscience will let me sit this one out. A baby should not have a room with dirty diapers out in the open. Do I offer to help tidy and make it clear to her husband that he BETTER help maintain it? Do I ignore the situation or call someone? I *think* there’s a group on base that might intervene and scare some sense into them without taking the kids or anything.

I’m torn.

[shetlandponyluvr]

You could always to try tactfully introduce her to Flylady. www.flylady.com

[smiles]

I see why you are concerned about the condition of the house and how messy it is. The problem is that you cann't really tell someone how to keep their house, and what is messy to one person isn't that bad to another. It has to be noticibly uninhabitable for social services to come in or anything. I would just limit contact going over there if you can. If you can bring it up that your daughter can't go over there because you think the dust in the house is bringing on her asthma attacks I think that would be ok. I'd just try to stay out of it unless she brings needing help or anything about her house being inspected up. It's really her problem that her house is messy.

[tivaclare]

You could always to try tactfully introduce her to Flylady. www.flylady.com

Wow, that is a great idea. We've talked about cleaning before and I once told her how I had to make myself a schedule since I'm so easily distracted, but that didn't really make an effect I guess. Maybe a site like that will help put things into perspective.

If I thought it would help, I would totally devote a weekend to a top to bottom clean if it would put them on a better track. I am concerned about the kids. They both get sick very frequently and I'm wondering if the house isn't part of the problem.

[CoveredinGrace]

No advice, really. Overall, I believe in the whole "stay out of it" thing, unless it affects kids, in which case CPS will take care of that.

The thing that gets me is that the house was immaculate while dh was deployed. I realize you have a little more time on your hands with hubby away, but you are also solo parenting which takes up a lot of time, so how did she have more time to clean then? This tells me that her dh is the slob, and that she tries to keep up while he's there, but can't. (Similar to what you said-house was destroyed in 2 days after a good deep cleaning by you.)

If that's the case-it's totally not your place to say something to her dh, sorry.

I say let it play out with CPS and such. Don't help her try to cover it up, and then if she needs a character witness of sorts, you can volunteer to explain to CPS that her house is spotless when dh is away-allowing them to draw their own conclusions from there.

But overall, it's best to stay out of it, let the kids come over to your house, but don't let yours stay over there, etc. Protect your own first, ya know?

[redemption_song]

This is a really tough position to be in, I've been there. I met my friend when she was pregnant with her first child. She didn't let me into her apartment for 6 months until she needed help cleaning up in preparation for the baby. It was terrible, but I thought that a lot of the issues was uncontrolled diabetes, rough pregnancy, depression, etc. It took me and a friend hours to dig out and make things presentable. I had to go out and purchase a sharps container for her because she was just leaving insulin needles everywhere. I wasn't able to help as much through her second pregnancy and when her 2nd baby was 1 month old he passed away from SIDS and CPS was called because of the condition of the home. I took temp custody of their first child while they cleaned up and prepared to fight to get her back. I organized friends to go over there and help them clean up and was saddened to hear that conditions were really bad (cigarette butts shoved in between the bed and wall, animal feces, etc.) I realized then that going in periodically and cleaning up for her wasn't helping at all- the underlying issue was still there and me taking charge was just putting a bandaid on the problem.

My suggestion would be to let an inspector come and tell her to clean up then LET HER CLEAN UP. You can offer to watch the kids, but she needs to clean up and keep it liveable. Going in and whirlwind cleaning to pass inspection may help in the short term, but it isn't going to fix the issue. She needs to find the motivation to get it done or find the resources that she needs to help her keep up and maybe a visit from an inspector is what she needs to make her realize that there is an issue.

I know that may sound harsh, but it is my honest opinion having dealt with something similar. I love my friend as I am sure that you do and someth\imes you have to let someone fail and clean up their own messes (literally and figuratively) to become better in the long term.

[faeryedark]

If the house was immaculate when her husband was deployed, then I can guess who the major culprit is. She may very well be depressed, so intervention may be a good idea. I don't know about the "scaring' part. She probably already knows it's bad (may not want to admit it)
I say all this, because my house would be just as bad if I left DH to his own devices. Love him to death but he is a SLOB and there have been times when I've wanted to give up, and many times when I didn't want people over because the house was a mess, I was stressed and depressed and over-whelmed and I knew everyone would think I was an awful house- keeper. We now have an agreemnet where he gives me 1/2 -1 hour of his time each day to pick up at least his things and if I'm lucky, cart my stockpile items to the basement
It does help alot actually.

[thickbluebug]

This is familiar to me.
I have a relative that is a hoarder. We have cleaned the house up and she does it again.
We moved her to another house and she did it again.

My 2 cents is to stop helping your friend clean it up.
I would go the group on the base way and then there is documentation that she trying to get help.
Maybe the kids won't be taken away from her, but they sure don't need to be brought up like that.

Maybe it will a wake-up call to her. Maybe her mind isn't too far gone.
If she thinks the house is ok, it's in her mind. She needs help and the agency or the inspection will help her.....hopefully.

I know from my experience it's hard not to want to fix it and go clean it up.
Everything is not fixable, the cleaning up just puts off the problem until she gets counseling.

[faeryedark]

Yeah, but it doesn't sound so much like it's her, but her DH, ya know? I know all too well how it is to be looked at like I'm a slob when, in fact, I'm aneat freak and just could keep up w/ Osacr Madison, I mean my husband. I thought one time going on "strike" would make him wake up...nope!
I feel for this woman (if it is her husband who's the slob) because she's the one being judged and that's not fair

[redemption_song]

Yeah, but it doesn't sound so much like it's her, but her DH, ya know? I know all too well how it is to be looked at like I'm a slob when, in fact, I'm aneat freak and just could keep up w/ Osacr Madison, I mean my husband. I thought one time going on "strike" would make him wake up...nope!
I feel for this woman (if it is her husband who's the slob) because she's the one being judged and that's not fair

I can see that, but if it is his issue maybe this could be her husband's wake up call. There is a difference between leaving wrappers and laundry around and letting your home (with small children in it) become squallor. Even if it is his issue and she cannot keep up with it, there are some things that need to be done and only take a few minutes. Emptying the diaper pail takes 5 minutes and makes the home more liveable for example. I can see letting laundry pile up, that happens here on occasion, but the things that the OP describes could be safety issues and BOTH parents need a wake up call to get the issues taken care of.