Dearest and I quit smoking today, wish us luck!

[kori]

I would be more concerned about this behavior that the cigarettes, at this point.

Someone who consciously tries to be hurtful is not someone that I would want to be marrying at this point. JMO.

DH recently quit, and it has been a very tough row to hoe-- he smoked a pack a day for the better part of 20 years. But he never said anything that was purposefully nasty to me, no matter how cranky the withdrawal made him.

You husband probably was ready to quit. You didn't quit and went through withdrawel at the same time. Two people quitting together can be an explosive situation, especially if one of the two didn't want to quit. As we get older we get calmer, we know our spouses very well, and after we are married for 20 years we don't we don't throw surprise statement/comments at each others head anymore.

OP wrote:
"The reason I feel like I am at fault is because I KNOW I have a bad temper and an attitude problem, and I am not afraid to stand up for myself. I know I can frustrate a person (and he can frustrate the crap outta me too!) and I feel like if I had backed down maybe he wouldn't have gone out to buy them. Or maybe he would just find another excuse later. Who knows. I don't like liars."

We don't know what was said by whom.

[chitownmelli]

You're right about that, the first 3 days were nasty around here. I had to bite my tongue so many times because I knew that my frustration was only my own fault - I was having withdrawal because I chose to smoke for so many years and now my body didn't want to let go.

I'll tell ya what, I don't even remember what this argument was about that "pushed him" to go buy smokes... the ugly part was when he got back, the argument we were having before he left was actually quite calm, we were talking, not even yelling, that's why I was so shocked when he was walking out suddenly because he just HAD to have a cigarette.

When we first got together, we never argued until we were together like 8 months. That has never happened before (not arguing with someone for so long). Our arguments now really stink, and I don't really want to share with everyone what they are about, hope you understand, it's personal to me- but I just want us to not fight. I swear though, when I try to be calm and understanding about something, he will sit there and not answer a question for like 5 minutes - just stare at the wall like he doesn't have a working brain cell in his head, and he knows I am not patient, no matter how hard I try. I seriously wonder if he does that crap on purpose. I don't see why he would, he doesn't like being yelled at. I hope it doesn't take us 20 years to get to that point.

[Mikki 316]

Just don't get into a classic borderline personality and codependent personality relationship. From the sounds of it, it seems like the classic combination. My vote is professional counseling and quickly, before you even move one step further to marriage. JMHO.

[kori]

You're right about that, the first 3 days were nasty around here. I had to bite my tongue so many times because I knew that my frustration was only my own fault - I was having withdrawal because I chose to smoke for so many years and now my body didn't want to let go.

I'll tell ya what, I don't even remember what this argument was about that "pushed him" to go buy smokes... the ugly part was when he got back, the argument we were having before he left was actually quite calm, we were talking, not even yelling, that's why I was so shocked when he was walking out suddenly because he just HAD to have a cigarette.

When we first got together, we never argued until we were together like 8 months. That has never happened before (not arguing with someone for so long). Our arguments now really stink, and I don't really want to share with everyone what they are about, hope you understand, it's personal to me- but I just want us to not fight. I swear though, when I try to be calm and understanding about something, he will sit there and not answer a question for like 5 minutes - just stare at the wall like he doesn't have a working brain cell in his head, and he knows I am not patient, no matter how hard I try. I seriously wonder if he does that crap on purpose. I don't see why he would, he doesn't like being yelled at. I hope it doesn't take us 20 years to get to that point.

Smoking is an addiction and some are more addicted than others. He wasn't ready to quit, and because he didn't know how to tell you he created a situation that gave him the “right” to storm out of the door and buy cigarettes. Now he smokes again and let me tell you he now feels really bad. He feels so small right now because you are strong and he is weak.


If I would be you I would drop the subject smoking all together for the time being. Don't make him feel worse than he feels already. Just ignore it and see if he returns to the person he was before this all happened.


The next time he wants to try to stop get him help. Remember, it has to be his own desire to quit.

Why did we smoke that first cigarette?:frown:

[chitownmelli]

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it.