my depression is eating me alive

[Super_Mom]

I have been in a very controlling (used to be physical abuse) now verbally abusive for 4 years, we have a 2 year old, and I have battled depression for years. I moved out 3 days ago. Does it get any easier? Why do I feel like such a bad mom? I tried forever to make things work until I couldn't anymore, I was wasting away. I've only talked to him once, and he was really cold to me, all "why a re you crying?"
I want to move on so bad, I just don't think I can handle the time. I am struggling so bad to handle the breakup on top of depression.

I don't get it, his ex broke up with him and he bawled like a baby, and we been together double that, and have a child and he just acts like it's all gravy.

I don't know why I'm even upset the whole relationship was always fighting and being upset. I just don't know where to turn. I have no friends I can talk to. This is the only place I talk to people really.

I know people who have never been in an abusive situation probably can't comprehend, but I feel so guilty for being upset. I can't even enjoy my daughter right now b/z all I do is cry.

So much for following my signature below.

[TheWoman]

Yes, it will get easier. 3 days is just long enough that the initial euphoria of doing the right thing is wearing off and you start to question yourself. It has only been 3 days. You need time to mourn.

I don't get it, his ex broke up with him and he bawled like a baby, and we been together double that, and have a child and he just acts like it's all gravy.

Acts is the key word here. Just because he acts like it doesn't bother him doesn't mean he doesn't care. It doesn't mean that he doesn't cry when he is alone. Anyway, who cares? He didn't treat you right. If he cares, so what? If not, then aren't you glad you left when you did?

Why do I feel like such a bad mom?

I am going to let you in on a little secret: Everyone feels like a bad mom sometimes. This is one of your times. You can't give your little one the family she deserves, so you feel bad. But the truth is that you are not being a bad mom to get her out of an abusive situation. You are being a great mom. Her dad is being a bad dad, and you feel guilty about it because that is what mothers do. We feel guilty. Even when it is not our fault.

Koudos to you for teaching your daughter that she does not need to stay with a man who is abusive. That is the first step to giving her the life she deserves, not just now but for the rest of her life.

[tuckyrn]

YOU AND YOUR CHILD, both deserve nothing less than a loving, caring, happy life together. And if daddy, is not a positive role model for your child.. Then you are doing the right thing. Children sense when something not right and removing your child from an abusive influence is the BEST KIND OF PARENTING you can do!

GREAT JOB MOM!!!

Keep your head up.. Each day will get better, set goals for yourself and take it one day at a time.. Each day, remind yourself your did the right thing.. Take another deep breath, and make it through the day.. Then before you know it, you won't have to remind yourself that you did the right thing, and you will breathe easy!

Keep up the good work!!

[mzbeers]

There are so many women who just stay in that type of relationship, and suffer along with their childern. Kudos to you for breaking the cycle! I know it is hard, but over time (took me a loooong time), you will wonder why it was so hard for you to leave in the first place, and why it took you so long to decide to not put up with it any longer. It will get easier, you'll see! Hang in there!

[momabrown3]

I can't give you any advice.I just want to say your a GREAT MOM for getting yourself out of this relationship.

[mama22qts]

((((hugs))))

You are in a bad place, but as much as we can, HCW will be there to help.

[jenjacobs]

You are a great mom and a strong woman for showing your child you don't need to be in an abusive relationship. I know it is hard (and may even get harder) but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Do you have family you can talk to you?

[snafu4me]

i've been where u r now, pm me if you want to "talk"

[ILv2Shop]

Can you give us an update on how you are doing? It's been a month now and am hoping you are doing alot better.

[SchwoomsMom]

I have been in a very controlling (used to be physical abuse) now verbally abusive for 4 years, we have a 2 year old, and I have battled depression for years. I moved out 3 days ago. Does it get any easier? Why do I feel like such a bad mom? I tried forever to make things work until I couldn't anymore, I was wasting away. I've only talked to him once, and he was really cold to me, all "why a re you crying?"
I want to move on so bad, I just don't think I can handle the time. I am struggling so bad to handle the breakup on top of depression.

I don't get it, his ex broke up with him and he bawled like a baby, and we been together double that, and have a child and he just acts like it's all gravy.

I don't know why I'm even upset the whole relationship was always fighting and being upset. I just don't know where to turn. I have no friends I can talk to. This is the only place I talk to people really.

I know people who have never been in an abusive situation probably can't comprehend, but I feel so guilty for being upset. I can't even enjoy my daughter right now b/z all I do is cry.

So much for following my signature below.

As a woman and mother who reads your post, and see's myself in you completely, I can understand where you're at completely.

7 years ago, I was with my son's father. I had been with him for 5 1/2 years (since I was 16) We had a 3yr old son, and I had suffered for depression for years (untreated)

He was HORRIBLY emotionally abusive, would yell and scream, and tell me what a___________ and a ___________ and a ____________ I was (fill in the blanks..whatever you think, I'm sure he said to me)
It would be So bad, that I'd be cowering in the corner of our room, in the dark, crying my eyes out.
There came a time, when my son came up to me, when I was crying like that, and just held me. He held me so tight, and started crying too.

I started working just after that. I hadn't worked much before, but I knew that I needed to (I had just started a medication for my depression, wellbutrin) that gave me a burst of "I can do it" a couple months into working, I realized that I could do things on my own.
One day, I started looking for apartments. I didn't say anything, because I was just looking. I just wanted to see what was out there.
I found an apartment, a little hole in the wall, on the 3rd floor w/no elevator. It was a 1bedroom, with a burn mark on the kitchen floor, no paint, and certainly not a new carpet.
The guy would rent it to me for $575, with first and a small deposit, much less than the full month he usually charged, but he didn't want to have to paint for me. Ok I said. I signed the lease that day, went back home, dropped the lease in front of my boyfriend, and said "I'm moving out" He kinda laughed, and acted like I wasn't serious. For several weeks, while I was moving out, he made it seem like it was temporary. "Yeah, do your 6 month lease, we'll do a trial seperation, and then you can move back in. YOu just need some time to live by yourself" (I had moved in with him, from my mom's home)
He even helped me move in, carrying my loveseat up 3 flights of stairs!!!

The first night, was the most amazing night of my life.
I sat on my couch, looking out the window, and scrunched down, so I couldn't see the apartments behind, but only the treetops and the sky. It was the most wonderful thing I'd ever experienced. FREEDOM. Freedom to do what I wanted, to enjoy myself, and my son.

We agreed on split custody, 3 days I'd have him, then he'd have him four, then I'd have him 4, and he'd have him 3.


My son, now 10, STILL remembers "mommy in the corner in the dark crying" He never forgot.

Then, things changed again. I met the man of my dreams. We moved iin together fairly quickly, (I moved to his home) and I filed custody paperwork. My son's father failed to show for the hearing, so I got what I wanted. (full custody, child support, and private schooling till kindergarden, paid by him)


I still suffer from depression (matter of fact, I've been decompensating for a while now, and am having a tough time doing anything)
but I'm happy. I don't get treated like crap.



I've told you this story, so you can see, that you're not alone.
So you can see, it's possible to leave someone like that.
so you can see, you don't deserve to deal with that
So you can see, that it IS affecting your child, whether you see it or not.

YOU ARE SPECIAL
YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT
YOU CAN DO IT BY YOURSELF
THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR YOU, THAT WILL LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU NEED THEM TO!!!!


I hope you're alright. Please feel free to pm me if you need anything.

((((((HUGS)))))))