How could you leave us like this?

[meggers]

Hugs❣

[Jen1]

<3 ya Court!

[cpaige]

Hugs❣

<3 ya Court!

thanks ladies! you and the rest of hcw have been instrumental in helping me cope / deal / manage all of this. I can only hope that I can pay it forward to someone else who needs it, under what ever circumstance it may fall.

[cpaige]

Every first Saturday in December, Ian held his Festivus celebration (think Seinfeld) where we would walk into his apt and see decorations for every possible holiday imaginable. Christmas, Easter, Valentines Day, Boxing Day, if it was celebrated somewhere, it was represented that day. Well, this year Festivus wasn't there. Instead a few our friends decided to hold it at the Knights of Columbus and did it as a fundraiser. While the thought of it was wonderful, I just couldn't bring myself to go. It isn't the same. It was just too hard to go, so we didn't. Next year, someone is going to hold it at their own house, we'll all bring food, and drinks, decorate it like it should be and that will be our Festivus. But it will never be the same. Ever.

The friend of mine that I am asking for postcards for (POSTCARD PROJECT
just had a student come up to her the other day in tears as her 20yr old cousin took her life last week. My poor friend tried to speak to her as her student, until she realized that while she is a teenager, she is dealing with a very adult situation that even us adults barely have a handle on, so she told her about Ian. I can only hope that they can both help each other through this.

His b'day is tmw. I miss him. Man, do I miss him.

[cpaige]

Today is his birthday. It is also the 2 month anniversary since we lost him. I can say that I am still very angry at him for this, but I can remember him a little easier. I can laugh some more about him and his stories/antics/way of doing things.

Today sucks.

[shelleyf]

I have been wondering how you were doing Courtney. I am saddened to hear all you are going through and it doesn't seem any easier. I pray for you to get healing. I know you love and miss your friend and totally understand why you are mad at him. I wish you could find out why he did it and maybe that would help but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen. I can't believe he didn't leave any clues, this is so sad. My stepbrother's birthday is today too so I will always remember your friend on this day. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. This has been a very hard year all around for everyone but suicide is the worst.

[cpaige]

I have been wondering how you were doing Courtney. I am saddened to hear all you are going through and it doesn't seem any easier. I pray for you to get healing. I know you love and miss your friend and totally understand why you are mad at him. I wish you could find out why he did it and maybe that would help but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen. I can't believe he didn't leave any clues, this is so sad. My stepbrother's birthday is today too so I will always remember your friend on this day. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. This has been a very hard year all around for everyone but suicide is the worst.

Sorry it took me so long to respond here. I had to step away from it. I'm sure you understand. Shelleyf ~ No, it doesn't seem easier. I don't think about him as much as I did, but when I do I feel like I'm breaking apart. No clues. No nothing. Losing someone sucks to begin with, but losing someone to suicide is so inconceivable.

I still go to my group, every 3rd Tuesday of the month. I still cry and hurt deeply and I know I will for a very long time. New Years Eve I, sadly, added him to the Putting a Face on Suicide FB page. Doing that was one of the hardest things I think I have ever done in my life. I cried my eyes in the process, knowing that doing that basically solidified the fact that he is no longer here. That page is used to show people that every 66 minutes, someone dies by suicide. It is our way of remembering them. The other day, one of them made a video for Day 11. As I clicked on it to watch it, I began to think "what day is Ian?" b/c I couldn't remember. I had blocked it out. Well....there he was, with 98 other people for Day 11. I broke down and just cried. I couldn't stop. I have the link, but not sure if anyone wants to see it. It's the pictures we all submitted for our loved ones. Ian's picture that I chose is from the last time we were all here, (my house) together as a group. My son's 2nd birthday.

I can't thank you all enough for your support, as well as your kind and caring words. I don't think you know just how much you have helped me.
I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

[Smee]

I thought about you recently. My former best friend's son killed himself last week. His funeral was today. He was only 21.

[cpaige]

I thought about you recently. My former best friend's son killed himself last week. His funeral was today. He was only 21.

I'm so sorry to see this. He was too young. I have goosebumps as I write this, just thinking of you and everyone affected by this tragedy!

I've been doing better with it all, the group has really been a help to me and being able to help the new people that come to it has also helped me. Sadly though, when I go to the meeting this coming Tuesday, I will be adding another person to my list of who I lost. A friend of mine of about 17 yrs took her life yesterday. I'm not even done grieving over the loss of Ian and almost feel like I'm back to the beginning.

Losing loved ones like this really makes you start to rethink how you approach your life, friends, past friends, etc. It makes you want to call those you haven't spoken to in years, just to say hi, makes you want to call those you love and remind them just how much they mean to you. It also makes you look at how you allow people to treat you and the changes you need to make. And, it hardens you. You start to feel differently about things, see things on a whole different playing field.

I just wish that people could see the tsunami they leave us in when they choose suicide. The turmoil can be excruciating.

[shelleyf]

Hi Courtney been wondering how you are doing?