Stay At Home Mom Feeling Undervalued by Husband

[chaseysmommy]

To explain a little bit about the situtation I will tell you that I am a stay at home mom to a 7 month old little boy. My husband & I have been married for almost 3 years and we are in our early 20's. Neither of us has been to college and my husband works about 32 hours a week as a sales associate. Needless to say we live on about $1300 a month so couponing and deal seeking is essential for our survival. Lately my husband has been complaining about everything I do. He keeps saying that he doesn't ever get any time to himself and all I do is sit around all day playing on the computer. I don't understand because everyday when he gets home I have our house clean, son fed, and my online classes homework done. All I will do is ask for a little help with our son and he gripes and says I ask him to do everything. His only chore in the entire house is to take out the trash and most time 5 bags will get piled up and then I will just take it our myself. I love my husband and I want to find a solution. I am not looking to find out who is right or wrong I just want to find out ways to split up duties without arguing.

[bali1228]

Good luck with that. When you find a way please share it, because I've been married 11 years and still haven't really found a solution...and I have one of the liberated-woman-are-equals type of husbands....ya know, until he has to throw in a load of laundry...

[CTCMC]

Sorry, but this is one of my pet peeves. I'm sick to death of these spoiled-brat little boys who need to grow up and be men.

First of all, he's now a dad and doesn't automatically get any "time to himself". His "time' is now devoted to supporting his family. When he's not supporting his family, his time is to be spent caring for his child, supporting his wife, and sharing in the responsibilities of the household.

It's wonderful when spouses work together to give each other breaks from the routine. He's not owed it- it's a gift that he should appreciate.

A MAJOR attitude adjustment is in order.

[motherofmolly]

i am a stay at home mom to two. it took 4 years for my dh to realize i have a job and it is saving us money to afford us to stay at home.

sounds like your dh is a little young still and doesnt realize it isnt all about him anymore. i do agree that he does need a little time of his own...but he needs to decide what it is that he wants to do and when...and then he needs to allow you the same amount of time to yourself. you work all day long too.

i would sit down with him and ask him when he wants his time. and what he wants to do. and then let him know that you would like a little time to yourself (with him watching his child).....

and i am sorry, but 32 hours is not alot to support a family. if he is okay with you staying home, he needs to push to find something either better or another job. my dh works 40 hours each week, picks up overtime when he can, and has recently picked up two teaching classes. what i am saying is your dh should be trying to do the same. does your dh have a job with benefits? i know it is not an easy thing to come by now, but he should be more worried about that then his time. he does get 32 hours away from the family weekly. you do not get that apportunity. some men do not understand that a stay at home mom is literally at home with kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. that is alot.

[motherofmolly]

and i will say too, my dh's job was to take the trash out, mow the lawn and put his clothes away and his stuff. i gave up on the trash duty and now just do that myself. i also started doing a majority of the lawn (he has to do the hill)....but i have to push to get him to put his stuff away and his laundry. i have come to realize that this is the way it will be. i just put that into my day and get it done.

[couponmommyof3]

So, let me tell you, I WAS in bed, but I was bored so I checked HCW on my phone and saw this post, went straight to my laptop and here I am. This is a subject that hits VERY close to home!

Here's my story:

Married my DH when he was 19 and I was 21. The beginning was ok. He had a temper, NO he never hit me, did get close but never hit me. 9 months into the marriage I got pregnant with our first. He was NOT ready for a baby! Well, DD1 came I was 23 and he was 21. He hardly ever looked at her, touched her, did anything with her at all. I worked full time as did he and still I did ALL the housework because in his words "I make more money than you do." When she was about 6 months old, DH got a great opportunity to grow a business from the ground up and basically started working around the clock, He wouldn't come home until 8 maybe later and be gone by 6 or 7 in the morning. SO this was going on for about 14 months. I missed him, but I understood he was trying to grow a business. But things just were not getting any better and I got tired. I said maybe we should separate. I went to live with my mom very temporarily to see how things would go, after the first night he called saying he missed us. I said things needed to change BIG time! After a week of living with my mom we went moved back in. Things did NOT change. BUT after a few months I got pregnant with DS. Again, DH still very hands-off working his CRAZY hours! And when he was home he didn't want to do anything but either do work on his computer or just veg and watch TV. Now long ago, I had accepted this fact and stopped trying to fight and argue. I just took it one step at a time.

Now DH is 26 and I'm 29. DD1 is 5, DS is 3 and DD2 is just 7 months. I became a stay at home mom when DD1 was 3 and DS was 1. But something in him changed around 25. Not sure what happened. I don't know if a light lit up in his head or something. He has told me in the past he didn't want to do anything with DD1 because he doesn't understand babies. BUT let me tell you, he is now SO wrapped around her fingers I am sure she is the one that runs this house! He has become more of a father, playing with them and running aroun d with them, playing 'horsey' is their favorite thing to do. DD2 just started saying 'DaDa' which breaks my heart, BUT when she wants me she knows to say 'Maaaaa Maaaaaa' LOL.

I still 9 years later do all the chores, but he was nice enough to clean the kitchen though on my birthday this past Saturday. And of course his line is still the same "I work, you don't" HA!

But here we were just at dinner, and he goes, 'how do you handle all three of them?" I said "why do you want to know? To say that I'm an amazing mother?" and he said "Yeah!"

So, um, point to the story, I don't know if I have one. But I can say that his age really has a LOT to do with it! He probably still needs to grow up. I knew since I was a kid that I wanted to do when I grew up was be a mom, but DH was not ready, but I wasn't going to make the baby 'go-away' if you catch my drift (which is something he asked me to do when we got pregnant with DD1 AND DS) of course he doesn't like to talk about that now.

Anyway, hang in there. I don't have any advice about getting him to clean up after himself. I gave up years ago. BUT if you ever need someone to talk to please PM me, if you really want it you can have my number if you need it.

Take care!!!

OH and Kudos to you for going to school online too! There is NO way I could do that! I just don't have enough time as it is now to take a shower! LOL

[motherofmolly]

great post couponmommyof3.

i laugh at dh when i leave to do the shopping. i come home and he looks like he has done lost it. he can not handle the two by himself. they run him over and then tell him no and then the mess comes. it took him 4 years to realize that it is work to raise kids and keep a house clean, and coupon and take care of a dog and take classes (i do online too)

and then dh says he wants me to train a dog and teach a class in relation to the training. he volunteered me for this. i reminded him that in order to do this i need the time. daily time. but i am happy that he is proud that his wife could do this and thought of me when he was talking to his friend. considering that he has a good friend at work that could train a dog too...but his first thought was me.

[fungirl2727]

I was 19 and her dad was 18 when we had a baby! My daughter dad ignored my entire prego. Her dad was too busy partying to pay any attention too either of us. I met my hubby 2 yrs after all that and he is great. My hubby was 27 and I was 23 I got prego with his first child. My hubby was excited about prego. My husband has a great job making 6 figures. Well anyways my hubby complain about his laundry so don't don it anymore. He does all yard work and we have huge yard. He has a men and he cleans it up himself. My hubby also take trash out. My hubby also pays all the bills and watches kids if I want to go out. He takes me on dates 1 or 2 times a wk. We put are son in daycare 3 full days a wk so can spend those days going on dates. So you need your man to treat you better

[fungirl2727]

Well ment to say he cleans his men cave! I am also a stay home mom!

[fungirl2727]

I was 19 and her dad was 18 when we had a baby! My daughter dad ignored my entire prego. Her dad was too busy partying to pay any attention too either of us. I met my hubby 2 yrs after all that and he is great. My hubby was 27 and I was 23 I got prego with his first child. My hubby was excited about prego. My husband has a great job making 6 figures. Well anyways my hubby complain about his laundry so don't don it anymore. He does all yard work and we have huge yard. He has a men and he cleans it up himself. My hubby also take trash out. My hubby also pays all the bills and watches kids if I want to go out. He takes me on dates 1 or 2 times a wk. We put are son in daycare 3 full days a wk so can spend those days going on dates. So you need your man to treat you better

My husband works 12 hrs swing shifts and only works about 14 days a month so it make it nice! Daycare doing school yr 3 days a wk is about 500 a month littke pricey. My son is learning so much at school so it is worth it! I think she needs to kick ******* out!