Stay At Home Mom Feeling Undervalued by Husband

[CW&M Mom]

My husband pulled this stunt for a bit.

That is when I stopped doing his laundry, his dishes, cooking for him, cleaning up after him..ect ect.

At that point he quit belly aching about taking out the garbage or want a ridiculous amount of me time...cause I get no time...and he has more me time then I'll ever see in a life time.

I would also not be concerned about piling up the garbage on his side of the bed..ahem...if it was piling up 6 bags of a time.

[chaseysmommy]

Thanks for all of the advice ladies. It makes me feel better to know I am not going through it alone. We are young and maybe one day he will grow up, but for the time being I will focus on our son. It is just nice to be able to get things off my chest to people other than my mom.

[3timesoccermom]

Here's my take on it, for what it's worth. I don't believe he really feels what he's telling you. I think he is now feeling like 2nd fiddle to the baby and is actually wanting more attention on him and less on the baby.

I am not trying to sound ugly but he is human and humans are definitely capable of this type of emotion.

Something else comes to mind - often when someone criticizes another they actually resent that person's competence or maybe feel they are handling things better than expected. He may feel you have taken on this new role of mom and become so adept at handling that and everything else that you no longer "need" him.

Just basing these opinions on what I've learned being married for 184 years (close enough - almost 26 years).

[queenofthehivemomof5]

Here's my take on it, for what it's worth. I don't believe he really feels what he's telling you. I think he is now feeling like 2nd fiddle to the baby and is actually wanting more attention on him and less on the baby.

I am not trying to sound ugly but he is human and humans are definitely capable of this type of emotion.

Something else comes to mind - often when someone criticizes another they actually resent that person's competence or maybe feel they are handling things better than expected. He may feel you have taken on this new role of mom and become so adept at handling that and everything else that you no longer "need" him.

Just basing these opinions on what I've learned being married for 184 years (close enough - almost 26 years).

I think there might be something to that!

If he comes home and the house is clean, dinner hot on the table, baby fed and you on the computer, he may assume that you do nothing all day but spend the day on the computer. He may need to see what it looks like for a few days if you did not keep the place go. He may not understand what your day looks like with the baby messes, laundry, dishes, feeding the baby, poopy diapers and all that comes with it.

Also making sure that you are giving him (and it goes both ways here!) some of your undivided time is important. He is young and probably still thinks the world revolves around him as most young guys do...some of it he will probably grow out of.

My best advice to a young married woman...is teach him how to treat you and don't tolerate any less than you deserve. The only way you can become a doormat is if you lie down and let him walk over you.

Sitting down and having a "division of labor" talk is important too. My husband and I did this in our pre-marital counselling but we have had many many revisions of what are my household duties and what are his. And as you grow you learn to choose your battles. It takes almost no effort for me to take the trash out myself or put it out the front door to take out to the can later.

[clippyclippy]

First of all, you might need to go away for a weekend and leave him with the baby - when you come home, he'll be a tad more appreciative (that is, if he doesn't call his mom!)

My philosophy has always been that the husband and wife should have equal free time. In my home, it's hard to quantify free time, because mine is spread out over the week more. He works long days, but comes home and gets to watch a show or relax some other way. I don't stop much, ever. I'm always doing something, but mixed in with my "work" (homeschooling 3 high schoolers and couponing) I might get to go to lunch with a friend, or relax in some other way.

Since he works so much, I consider the house my domain and don't ask him to do anything. He in turn is very appreciative of all I do, and will help when he can. The only thing I leave to him is mowing (I have a bad shoulder and just can't get the thing going) home repairs and bugs in the house .
He'll often take out the trash, or do a load of laundry or load the dishes or something, but it's always kind gestures - nothing I expect him to do.

One more point about "sitting at the computer all day"...
Couponing takes a bit of time. The more you put into it, the more you save. I make a point of referring to my couponing activities as a part time job.
I count up the hours I spend in preparation/shopping each week and divide the money I save by those hours.
So when I spend 20 hours a week on couponing websites, clipping and shopping, and then save $600.00 per month, I'm earning $30.00/hour!
That's tax free - if I were to go out and work for a paycheck, I'd have to earn 800-850.00/month to bring home the same amount...
And I don't need a wardrobe, child care, or any other costs associated with a job.
My point is, make sure he knows how much you are contributing. Your time on the computer is "work" .

[kschick96]

Here's my take on it, for what it's worth. I don't believe he really feels what he's telling you. I think he is now feeling like 2nd fiddle to the baby and is actually wanting more attention on him and less on the baby.

I am not trying to sound ugly but he is human and humans are definitely capable of this type of emotion.

Something else comes to mind - often when someone criticizes another they actually resent that person's competence or maybe feel they are handling things better than expected. He may feel you have taken on this new role of mom and become so adept at handling that and everything else that you no longer "need" him.

Just basing these opinions on what I've learned being married for 184 years (close enough - almost 26 years).

I am in total agreement with soccermoms post. Having a baby changes a relationship. My suggestion, sit down with him and be honest and have a good, long talk. I'm very lucky because DH works 10-12 hours a day and many times ends up cooking the meal (I've gotten eveything ready for it) and cleaning it up because our LO is one who has to go to bed at his bedtime or it is heck to pay during the night and the next day and getting him ready for bed (bath, bottle, etc) falls to me.

[momof2inohio]

I can relate. Sometimes I feel that my DH resents the fact that I stay home. Especially not that both kids are in school full time. What he does not realize is the time it takes to get everything done. I do work 2 days a week at my dad's company but that is only 4 hours each day so I still consider myself a SAHM. So between that and going to school full time (most of my classes are online) and taking care of the household stuff and being a taxi to my kids I really do not have as much time as he thinks I do.

I know he is really stressed at work since he got a promotion and he does work long hours but it still really irritates me when he thinks I have it so great. I told him if I went to work FT then we would be picking up fast food every night, would have to hire a maid and I would not have time to take the kids to their sports. Plus I would have to update my wardrobe and get my hair done more, etc.... After I tell him these things he backs off for a while... Plus I told him I would not have as much time to coupon so we would not really be bringing more money into the house.

[Macaela25]

My best advice to a young married woman...is teach him how to treat you and don't tolerate any less than you deserve. The only way you can become a doormat is if you lie down and let him walk over you.

Exactly. I spent the first year of our marriage teaching my DH, who is three years younger and from a different country/culture, exactly how I expected to be treated.

Although I have never been a SAHM, I worked two jobs early in our marriage and he worked as well with a long commute. We had different schedules, and what one person didn't get done in the evening the other person would take care of the next morning. It happened that way naturally because if one of us did not pick up the slack, it simply would not get done. This evolved into a mutually responsible relationship when it comes to work and kids. The only responsibilities I can say are truly set in stone are the yard, cars, and finances...we each handle what we are best at. Other than that, cleaning, laundry, cooking, and child rearing are done by whoever is available at the time, no questions asked. Each of us steps up and takes over if the other is ill, working overtime, or if his family is visiting from Europe.

Hopefully your DH will wake up. In the meantime, I wouldn't continue to make things look so effortless, KWIM?

[CTCMC]

My best advice to a young married woman...is teach him how to treat you and don't tolerate any less than you deserve. The only way you can become a doormat is if you lie down and let him walk over you.

Superb advise.
Actually, I'd take it further. It's not just young, married women. It's all women. It starts with the first date. Even the finest man might have an immature moment. At which time she needs to say, "Oh, and by the way, I allow no one to speak to me in that tone of voice/say something belittling/insult me to my face, and that includes you. Do we have an understanding?"

[CTCMC]

Exactly. I spent the first year of our marriage teaching my DH, who is three years younger and from a different country/culture, exactly how I expected to be treated.

Although I have never been a SAHM, I worked two jobs early in our marriage and he worked as well with a long commute. We had different schedules, and what one person didn't get done in the evening the other person would take care of the next morning. It happened that way naturally because if one of us did not pick up the slack, it simply would not get done. This evolved into a mutually responsible relationship when it comes to work and kids. The only responsibilities I can say are truly set in stone are the yard, cars, and finances...we each handle what we are best at. Other than that, cleaning, laundry, cooking, and child rearing are done by whoever is available at the time, no questions asked. Each of us steps up and takes over if the other is ill, working overtime, or if his family is visiting from Europe.

Well, there you go. Two people behaving like grown-ups and pitching in to do what needs to be done (and playing on their strengths)!