At my wits end with my 18 yr old daughter and her new baby. Warning kinda long rant.

[queenofthehivemomof5]

We are raising our grandson who is now 11. We have had him since he was an infant. He is our son's oldest child and our oldest grandchild. We have had custody since he was a baby. Some females just do not want the responsibility of a child.

This comment caught me...if the grandson you are raising is your SON's child how doe your statement "some females just do not want the resposibility of a child" make any sense? It takes two people to make a baby (most of the time right?) It does not look like your son took responsibility for the child either if you are raising him!

I was a mom at 16 and the best thing my folks did for me was boot my butt out and make me be responsible for myself and my baby. Her father (my hubby now) was there and took resolvability for his child too by working. It was not always easy, and I made a lot of piss poor decisions in the process. But I had to make bad decisions in order to learn from them. I however loved my baby and thought she was the most precious thing ever and never wanted to cause her harm. I think you should help her learn parenting skills while the baby is little but with an end goal of your daughter moving out and becoming a responsible adult and mother on her own. She IS an adult at 18. And it may be hard to watch them struggle financially but you have to boot her out and make her grow up!

[billig]

Sorry I haven't updated. I don't mind you wanting to know what went on since my last post. We had a long discussion. I told her I wasn't going to yell and scream my point of view at her and that I just wanted her to give me honest answers to my quesions no matter if they were crappy or not. She said ok. So I told her how when she's trying to get the baby quieted down that putting the baby above her head and jiggling her back and forth and making loud noises isn't comforting her just scareing her. Also her little brain is in there moving around to much and you could do damage to her brain without even realizing it. I also asked her straight out do you want to be a parent. She said I never wanted kids in the first place, but its not Haileys faulty that I messed up. So, I have to be there for her even if I don't like it. I asked her have you ever gotten so angry when she's crying that you felt like you could harm her? She just looked at me confused like that came out of the blue and so no, mom wtf? I told that I have been having a feeling and I need to make sure that I didn't go without saying it and regretting it the rest of my life. She hasn't done the shaking thing since and she seems to be alot calmer around her now. There is alot more to our conversation, but I think she understands now where I was coming from. And I have seen some changes. Doesn't mean life is perferct here lol, but much better than before. It's a start in a positive direction.
Thanks for listening to me. :)Michelle

It seems simple, but I think what you did is profound and monumental...after all, she's still a kid really, and would not only respond to tough issues like a teenager, but then add this situation she never wanted to be in, and you've got a scared, angry, worried kid.
By sitting down and making it clear that you're going to have a discussion, you've taught her a way to deal with stress. I bet she needs more of that. Probably on a daily basis.
I know that you would teach her anything she wants to know, but sometimes teens tune out their parents. Do you have social programs that help new mothers? In Minneapolis we have Parents In Community Action that teaches new parents how to be parents. Sometimes an outside source is heard better than a parent.

The other thing your posts made me think of is telling her how you handled HER when she was a helpless baby. When you're holding her baby or carefully putting the baby down to sleep, telling your daughter "This is how I always held you, softly and gently, because you couldn't help yourself and I provided you with everything, including lots of love. Because you deserved it.
KWIM?

Anywho, I think your 'small' step was actually a big step.

[wolfangel]

It's definitely a positive update. Now, your job is going to be to monitor the situation, give guidance, and ensure that things stay on the right track. Part of that is the parenting classes. That has to be in there still.

A friend of mine became a mom at 19, had her daughter with her for about 9 months, then sent her to live with her parents because she knew she wasn't doing a good job and wasn't ready to be a Mom. Her daughter lived with her parents for 4 years, she got her partying and her immaturity out of her system, and then shortly after moving in with me (back when I was a divorced mom), I helped her get her daughter back. Her daughter is now 13, and having a lot of emotional problems. Partly because she and her Mom have never really settled down anywhere. Partly because until a year ago, she did not know her father. They are in therapy now, and working on it, but the thing to glean from this is that those formative years are so incredibly important. Once she and her daughter moved out of my house (I was getting married), it just all fell apart. I don't think she knew how to do it on her own even then. You have to be sure she's ready when you send your darling grandbaby off to live elsewhere with her Mommy that it's the right thing for her!

[tessa67]

Her daughter lived with her parents for 4 years, she got her partying and her immaturity out of her system, and then shortly after moving in with me (back when I was a divorced mom), I helped her get her daughter back.

Or perhaps she is having emotional problems because at the age of 4 she was taken from the only parents she knew. IMO, coming back for a 4 year old child is selfish on the mother's part.