What is best for a child of divorced parents?

[wvumountaineergirl]

Not sure if this is the best place to post this, but the subject makes me HUTC and I'm in need of advice, so here it goes.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3-1/2 years. He has a 6 year old son who was a little over a year old when my boyfriend and his ex-wife divorced. They divorced because she cheated, got caught and given another chance but continued to see her new boyfriend (who I'll call boyfriend #1).

She's a piece of work, to put it mildly. She's manipulative and selfish - I have a zillion examples, but that sums it up. They had joint custody of their son, but she routinely dropped him off with us and made us change our plans to suit her schedule. We ended up having him about 75% of the time, which was no problem as he's a wonderful kid and no trouble at all (I even take him couponing with me and he's more patient than the people in line behind me, lol). The reasons she wasn't able to watch him on her days included shopping, hanging out with her friends and even tanning.

About 5 months ago she moved out of state to be near her new boyfriend (who she cheated on boyfriend #1 with). She expected her ex (my boyfriend) to quit his job and move too so it wouldn't look like she was abandoning her son. Of course, we didn't move so for the past 5 months he's been with us full-time while she's been with her boyfriend (she didn't pay child support or anything). My stepson (he refers to me as his stepmom - and tells his friends that I am his real mom which I try to discourage because I don't want to confuse him) is a smart, polite, thoughtful little boy and has thrived in kindergarten this year. He's been on a schedule and has a lot of stability with us (his father works long hours 4 days a week so I take him to and from school most of the time; I work nights).

Boyfriend #2 dumped her last month, so she just moved back here and expects things to go back to how they were as if she had never left. Which means she wants to have her son every other day, which disrupts the schedule we've been living on for the past 5 months. My boyfriend suggested to her that the boy stay with us during the week and then alternate weekends; she can even pick him up some afternoons, as long as he stays here so his school routine remains the same.

Well, she flipped out and said my boyfriend walks all over her and she's sick of trying to be nice and keep the peace. She refuses to have "visitation" with her own son. She wants everything 50/50, which is laughable because it wasn't that way before so we're not sure why she said that.

Also, she moved in with her friend who has two children that come and go (they have two different fathers so they are on different custody schedules) so that house is chaotic. And most importantly, because there's a bunch of people in a small trailer, he won't have his own room there - he'll have to share a room (and bed) with his mother which is very weird to us. She thinks it's okay because people used to live in one-room houses and they all turned out okay.

My boyfriend is turned inside out by all this. I told him he should get a lawyer just in case it comes down to that. He doesn't want to take his son away from his mother, but he also wants his son to have a stable home environment. Has anyone else been through this kind of situation? How should we handle it? I appreciate any and all opinions!

[bigsweetie]

I would talk to a lawyer. That little boy deserves some stability in his life.

Take a look at what you can prove as evidence that her life is unstable. Do you have any concrete proof that she left him with you 75% of the time before she moved? That might help with your case as well. Also, if you can document his improvement in school since living with the two of you, that may help as well! If you're planning on getting married, that would look good to a judge too.

Don't let your BF roll over on this one. Now's the time to fight for his little boy!

Good luck and you'll all be in my thoughts and prayers!!

[StevMon4]

I am the stepmother of two girls 11 and 8. My Husband and I have been together for almost 7 years and I have had to deal with their Mom for several years and continue too. My stepdaughters have been living with us since the end of May. We continue to pay childsupport to the mom every month, She is suppose to send it back this way when she recieves it since the girls are not living with her (even though she continues to recieve welfare benefits for them). So far she has sent about 90% of the money. She has kept some of the money a few times to pay for her gas to come and pick them up for Christmas break!! (she lives in a different state). In reality there is'nt much we can do about the situation right now without an Attorney. :-( We dont have money for one right now..So I guess basicly what I am trying to say is that the best thing to do would be contact an attorney. Courts will look at whats in the best interest of the child which apparently living with you and his Dad.

Best Wishes to you,

[wvumountaineergirl]

Thank you for your thoughts!

My boyfriend started keeping a journal over a year ago of when we kept him on her days. His preschool keeps check in & out records and either myself or my boyfriend were there most of the time.

The only problem with getting a lawyer is the money, which is already tight. And my boyfriend doesn't want to put his son through that.

[cybilx10]

Get a lawyer and start documenting everything!!!! My cousin is going through the same thing. Notate if he does start staying with her if his grades slip and what they were when he was with the 2 of u. Make sure you document everything and dont post anything on facebook or anything like that that could be used against you.

[BringontheWonder]

Thank you for your thoughts!

My boyfriend started keeping a journal over a year ago of when we kept him on her days. His preschool keeps check in & out records and either myself or my boyfriend were there most of the time.

The only problem with getting a lawyer is the money, which is already tight. And my boyfriend doesn't want to put his son through that.

I agree with what everyone else has said. Please contact 2-1-1 in your area to see if there is a legal aid agency for those who are in need but can't afford an attorney. You just dial 2-1-1 on your phone (it's free) and tell them you are looking for resources for child custody. Their website is West Virginia 211

[queenofthehivemomof5]

What is best for a child of divorced parents?

To have both parents love and care for the child and for both of them to put their child's needs ahead of their own needs.

To have both parents be able to sit down face to face without arguing and figure out what is in the best interest of the child as far as visitation.

To use words like "I think it is best for our son to _____" and not "I want _______"

For parents to find a way to co-parent the child and to be on the same page as far as the core values of how they want to raise their child together. Things like school, grades, manners, traditions, religion, and other core values.

And if the parents cannot do this on their own then you may need to turn to the court system to come up with a solution. If both mom and dad have shared custody and there is no set time for when each parent has the child (which was very standard when I was a kid with divorced parents, maybe not these days??) then maybe there needs to be something set up and in writting.

My parents were divorced when I was 2 and they had joint custody but I lived with my mom and visited my dad every other weekend and spent the summer with him and they took turns on holidays. It was all very predictable for me as a child. I knew that this weekend I would be at my moms or my dads, that this Easter I was at my dad's house and next Easter I was at my mom's house.

While there were squabbles from time to time between my divorced parents I am sure, there is only one that I can ever remember them having when I was present. When my mom decided to chop off my butt length hair into a "Dorothy Hamilton" bob. My dad was pissed! But outside of that one I don't ever recall them arguing in front of me. In fact my biggest pleasure is knowing that my parents were usually able to put their differences aside and come together to raise both my brother and I as a team. On our birthdays they were both there, both sides of the family. I saw my parents exchange Christmas gifts with one another, even if it was a token gift of a bottle of wine or a Hickory Farms gift basket or a tub of popcorn. It stuck in my mind that they were able to show civility towards one another. Now that is not to say my childhood was a bed of roses. Both of my parents had and still have some serious issues. My father was an alcoholic and my mother let my step father beat us. She lost custody of us when I was in 5th grade because my step father beat me so badly that he left bruises and welts from my knees to my neck. But I digress...that is a whole other topic!

The point is that even though my parents made lots of mistakes I knew that they loved me and tried to work together as a team to make sure my brother and I had stability in our lives. Which I think is important. However if your boyfriend and her just have 50/50 custody with no set schedual of visitation then they need to work something out. Sleeping with the mom at 6 is not really all that weird. Now 10+ that might be odd. But I have 6 year old twins and I don't think it would be weird for them to sleep with me (they don't simply because they have their own room and it is just not our parenting style to co-sleep with our kids) but I don't really think it is harmful. And the fact of the matter is that these hard economic times have put a lot of people into having to take in room-mates or other members of the family to pay the bills and that it putting more people in less space and I don't think you should fault her for that. I know a lot of people that have this "why me" attitude and they are not willing to do what it takes to get the bills paid including taking on a room-mate and shifting the kids into mom/dad room.

[Katane]

You can also contact your local department of Social Services. They have programs for free legal care for people who qualify. If nothing else get a mediator and have them sit down and work out a more stable schedule. What you said about him staying with you guys on school days and with her on every other weekend is a good idea. In order to get her cooperation you could also offer to let him stay with her on teacher workdays. I hope this helps and good luck!

[billig]

If they divorced there will be something about custody in the papers. What ever that says has to be abided by, until one of you goes to court to change it.

And I'd definitely go to court and ask to change it!

And it sure would be a lot less headache if you had a schedule that SHE has to abide by, directed by the court.

[bugweena]

If they divorced there will be something about custody in the papers. What ever that says has to be abided by, until one of you goes to court to change it.

And I'd definitely go to court and ask to change it!

And it sure would be a lot less headache if you had a schedule that SHE has to abide by, directed by the court.

I agree 100%. DSO's ex moved a couple years ago to another state but DSO wanted to make sure he still had reasonable visitation, etc. All info was exchanged via lawyers and almost 3 years later she's still (mostly) sticking to the plan.

OP your BF was a smart man to start keeping a journal--it will likely come in handy when you do start working with a lawyer.

Seems like people should have to give up their selfish ways when they decide to become parents, doesn't it?!?

Good luck!