Need opinions on marital issue . . . involving football!

[Sweet_Southern_Mama]

I want to start off by saying that my husband is a great guy. He works really hard and is good to me. We rarely ever argue, he's very forgiving and is just all around a good person. Unfortunately he doesn't do the best job of balancing our marriage and life with work or putting his priorities in order.

He's a high school teacher and football coach. In the fall I feel like I'm just pushed aside for football. Every time I mention to him that I want to talk to him about doing something I get the response that he's too busy to think about it right now and we should wait until after the first of the year. The types of things I'm talking about aren't small things. They're things like discussing the possibility of adoption or foster parenting (I have fertility issues). Its just life choices in general that he tells me this about. I get that he doesn't have a whole lot of time. He gets home around 6-7 Monday through Wednesday, has games Thursday & Friday nights, is off on Saturday and has a meeting on Sunday afternoon. But at the same time its not like he's NEVER home. We could live our lives during football season if he would.

Maybe I'm being irrational, but I'm just getting really tired of putting our lives on hold for half the year every year. How can I get through to him about this without coming across as ungrateful and being a nag? Any ideas?

In the past I've felt like if I supported him in his career 100% (going to all his games and taking an interest) he would in turn do the same for me. I'm beginning to wonder if thats the case at all.

[rachellepeters]

Sorry no help here..but I've always wondered why teachers take on coaching jobs...at my town they got an extra 1500-2500K per season....definitely not worth all the extra time every evening, game nights, tournament nights, weekends etc they have to give up. THey must just love it...but I don't understand why anyone would do it.

Maybe calculate up all the hours he puts in...divide that by what he gets paid for the season and present it to him as...You're making XX average per hour doing this, and it's not helping out relationship..is it really worth XX per hour to give up every week night, game night and part of your Sundays away?? I remember one coach telling me it averaged out to like 3.25 per hour (if you calculate in drive time to and from out of town games, all day tournaments etc)

Some guys just love it and I can see how you're feeling left out in all of this. No matter how you handle it, I hope he listens and understands your feelings

[Sweet_Southern_Mama]

Thanks Rachelle! He DOES love it. Thats part of the problem. He's played football since he was 10 . . . all the way through college. I guess its just life to him. You're right . . . it is less than $4 an hour for all he does (probably half that if you really factor in all the time).

I almost titled the post: "Whats football got that I don't?" :S

[meggers]

I don't know how you believe, so I'm not sure how to answer. Sitting down & talking isn't nagging, but getting him to do that could be a problem. If you believe in the power of prayer, I would certainly go that route.

[loaslaen]

Sorry no help here..but I've always wondered why teachers take on coaching jobs...at my town they got an extra 1500-2500K per season....definitely not worth all the extra time every evening, game nights, tournament nights, weekends etc they have to give up. THey must just love it...but I don't understand why anyone would do it.

1500-2500K is 1.5-2.5 MILLION. I'd BEG DH to do it for that much, lol!

[loaslaen]

My father worked out of town for 4 days a week sometimes so in some ways, I guess you're lucky. What would you do if you adopted or fostered children and he still had the same coaching job and spent alot of time away from home? Sometimes families have to work around the working schedule. It doesn't sound like HE'S putting his life on hold, because he's doing other things. But maybe you feel like YOUR life is on hold. Maybe you can find something to fill that time that he is away.

I've always heard that it's good to get paid doing something you really enjoy. If he's been into football since he was 10, then it seems he really does enjoy it and it's nice that he can get paid doing it.

Maybe you can make the best of when he IS home and make him want to be home more, but be understandable if he can't be.

It's hard to tell if you want him to quit coaching, or just pay a little more attention to your needs. If you talk to him, I would approach it as you needing more attention, than as an ultimatum like "it's me or football". That could result in some resentment or him feeling bad whenever he is coaching. I would think you would still want him to feel like you are supportive of him, but you need his support as well.

I agree with meggers. I'm not sure how you believe, or how to answer, but those are just some thoughts I got from reading your post, and I would seek prayer first and see what happens.

[Sweet_Southern_Mama]

I definitely believe in prayer . . . we're Christians. Its not that I want him to quit coaching or anything. Its not even that he's gone all that much. Its just that for half the year he won't discuss making any decisions or life changes. I probably should have been more specific. When I talked about "putting our life on hold" I mean as a whole . . . the moving forward part as in having children and such . . . not our everyday lives. We both want children very soon, but I don't feel like we're going to get anywhere if for 5-6 months out of the year we can't discuss it.

I was probably not in the best state of mind when I wrote this. Looking at the comments now it may not make a lot of sense. :)

[meggers]

Have you spoken to your pastor?

[Sweet_Southern_Mama]

Yeah, we're doing some counseling right now. Its not really as bad as it seemed when I wrote this. I was just upset at the time. It just seems like no matter how I put it when I discuss this particular issue with him I'm not getting through to him. I guess I just need a new approach.

[rachellepeters]

When it comes to wanting to start a family, whether it's adoption or trying to conceive....I know it can be one of the only things you think about and each day you aren't trying or talking about it can feel like forever. I know from speaking after having a miscarriage that everyday for the last 3 months feels like a week....we do discuss it some and try some...but if I were being ignored, or he was too busy to talk about it...it would really hurt my feelings. I hope you get it worked out ... he does have days off...time to talk while in bed, there's always time to discuss those things if the other partner wants. If he hasn't talked about it in a year....it seems as if those life changes may not be something he wants as badly as you.....I hope I'm wrong, but using the football coaching as a reason he isn't talking about it, I don't think is the issue. I don't know if you're pressuring anything or not, but I can say from my experience with this issue...if it was something I talked about alot, he closed up. As soon as I went a few months without mentioning trying to have a kid...that's when he was ready. I wish you luck and hope you can figure out how to get him to open up to you.