First wife vs. second wife

[puakinikini]

So, I am curious about people's marital situations - I will disclose that this poll is motivated by me being sick of my situation. I love my DH and I had plenty of warning about his first wife's lunatic behavior...but it wears on you, even when you know it is ridiculous.

My latest story, is that my DH's ex is trying to maintain that I am not a "parent", rather I am a "babysitter". We have been married 3 years (together for 4) and this is just coming up. The issue: Their divorce decree states that prior to getting childcare, each parent will ask the other parent if they are available first. We have joint custody. DH works a lot at night and weekends, leaving me alone with the kids. The ex is now stating that I am considered "childcare". She is, of course, wrong - but it is just annoying that she is so dumb and that no one she talks to corrects her on this fact.

I love DS12 - I do not babysit him. I parent him, just like my other 3 kids. Being a step-parent is a thankless job in many respects, but I would not trade my relationship with DS12 - I just wish his mother would get a life.

[thecouponclippa]

I agree about the step-parenting. My DW is my DD8's step-parent technically, but as far as DD is concerned, that's her Mom. BUT, I don't know by DW's ex-wife. She lives in NJ and we live in KY. She always does not know my ex-husband. Which is great! But yes, if she doesn't like you staying with the kids, tell her to complain about it to the judge. She will have no ground. Her ex remarried, and you hang out with your stepkids. Not them going to daycare in the middle of the night, which is just ridiculous, and she knows it. Tell her to let it GO and get some therapy.

[Jasmin71]

Sounds like your DH should make things clear. It's HIS EX.....

[justmama]

My EXfil, on paper is my SIL (7 yo) before and after school childcare, but is he baby sitting, no its his dd. But in the divorce they had to determine before and after childcare and since exfil has a very flexible schedule he is responsible. I mean who cares what his ex-wife calls you. You have to look at her perspective, i wouldn't want another woman parenting my child, regardless of how long she was married to my ex.

Their divorce decree states that prior to getting childcare, each parent will ask the other parent if they are available first.

Thats your quote so if you are keeping them instead of getting childcare, then you are providing their care. I think its semantics, really.

With everything going on in the world, call it a canopener, the title shouldn't matter. Staying with, spending time with, babysitting, step parentings, CANOPENER, etc does the situation change, no, its just a way to get you all upset about it. Regardless of what you think about her, you dh chose her and had a child with her and in reality its his business to deal with her, not yours.

[Mama Stu]

My EXfil, on paper is my SIL (7 yo) before and after school childcare, but is he baby sitting, no its his dd. But in the divorce they had to determine before and after childcare and since exfil has a very flexible schedule he is responsible. I mean who cares what his ex-wife calls you. You have to look at her perspective, i wouldn't want another woman parenting my child, regardless of how long she was married to my ex.



Thats your quote so if you are keeping them instead of getting childcare, then you are providing their care. I think its semantics, really.
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With everything going on in the world, call it a canopener, the title shouldn't matter. Staying with, spending time with, babysitting, step parentings, CANOPENER, etc does the situation change, no, its just a way to get you all upset about it. Regardless of what you think about her, you dh chose her and had a child with her and in reality its his business to deal with her, not yours.

I may be wrong here( I quite frequently am), but I think that the point OP is trying to get across is that the ex thinks the DH should ask her if she wants the kids when he goes to work or wherever , instead of leaving them with OP, and is trying to call the OP childcare to be able to do that. OP, some people are just not happy and can't stand to see anyone else happy either. I am sorry for you stepchild to be put in this position, because I bet she is not quiet around him either. Hang in there

[justmama]

I may be wrong here( I quite frequently am), but I think that the point OP is trying to get across is that the ex thinks the DH should ask her if she wants the kids when he goes to work or wherever , instead of leaving them with OP, and is trying to call the OP childcare to be able to do that. OP, some people are just not happy and can't stand to see anyone else happy either. I am sorry for you stepchild to be put in this position, because I bet she is not quiet around him either. Hang in there

If it were my child i would rather him be with me and with my ex's new wife. I get when its that parents weekend, they can do what they want and/or leave the children with whomever, but that doesn't change the mothers feelings. A very dear friend of mine has twin boys. There were 4 weeks premature. When her ex got the boys when they were a few months old, he took them to his moms and they stayed there and the dad would go by and visit around his schedule. with his mom. THe judge said what he did on his time was his business. My friend would go 3 or 4 days w/o seeing her boys, knowing they were at their grandparents, not with their dad.

[puakinikini]

I mean who cares what his ex-wife calls you. You have to look at her perspective, i wouldn't want another woman parenting my child, regardless of how long she was married to my ex.

Thats your quote so if you are keeping them instead of getting childcare, then you are providing their care. I think its semantics, really.

I am sure that many women feel this way, but if this is her perspective than she should not have gotten divorced. (Her choice by the way, she cheated and thought the grss would be greener - not that this matters). When you get divorced and your children are young you should know that there is a high possibility that they will have another parent at some point. I do parent her son, I love him. We also have 3 other children who are extremely close to their brother.

When I met my DH my twins were 5 months old, so they have grown up with DS12 as their brother - and we have a 1 year old who is his half sister.

Her calling me a "babysitter" has a lot of implications - even though it is not true. She is now saying that we are violating the parenting agreement and so she does not have to follow it either. She is also threatening to call the police when I am alone with DS12. She has also said that she is taking me off the pick-up at school and at the day-care (that we use). SHe has used this same daycare in the past, but she is not working so she does not need it currenly.

By the way this was all spurred on by the fact that we would not allow her to claim him on her taxes, as it is our year to do so (she did so last year).

Clearly, we have to go to court over this - but it just sucks that she has decided to pull this drama.

Nothing like airing your dirty laundry on line! I hope I am not the only one in this boat.

I know I shoudl ignore her, but it is easier said than done!

[whatsfree4me]

If it were my child i would rather him be with me and with my ex's new wife. I get when its that parents weekend, they can do what they want and/or leave the children with whomever, but that doesn't change the mothers feelings. A very dear friend of mine has twin boys. There were 4 weeks premature. When her ex got the boys when they were a few months old, he took them to his moms and they stayed there and the dad would go by and visit around his schedule. with his mom. THe judge said what he did on his time was his business. My friend would go 3 or 4 days w/o seeing her boys, knowing they were at their grandparents, not with their dad.

So are you saying that any time the husband leaves the house, they are supposed to take the son over to his mothers? Talk about a confusing life for the child. Can't anything just be simple for the sake of a child?

OP just hang in there. Like a PP said, if it bothers her that much she can take it to a judge and she will be not be the last one laughing, I guarentee that.

[justmama]

So are you saying that any time the husband leaves the house, they are supposed to take the son over to his mothers?

I think thats what the mother thinks AND i can't say i wouldn't feel the same way, if i was in the same situation. But i also don't understand when people send their kids to daycare when they have the day off. I don't know how people honestly expect this woman to be ok with having her son away from her. Sure he deserves to see his father too, but that doesn't mean the mom can't miss him when he's gone.

When you divorce someone you divorce the spouse NOT the child. I highly doubt people go into a divorce contemplating not getting one with the fear their ex may remarry and their child have a step-parent.

[JenVi]

I have been in a similar situation since my ss's were 10 1/2 they are now 19. Their mother is a vindictive psychopath who has done nothing but try and ruin the boys relationship with my DH and me. I think it is funny how some people believe that the step parent can do all the parent stuff like cooking, cleaning and all the other stuff for the skid but not parent the child. In our situation my DH was divorced for 7 years before we got together and they divorced because she cheated. The boys were 3 when they got divorced. She has had my DH in court almost every year for some stupid reason or another and it really sucks. The courts always favor the mother. She make a boatload of money and had an Au Pair for the boys growing up. We found out when the boys got older that she was traveling for work and leaving the boys with the Au Pair. So we did get first right of refusal.

I am just rambling but if you need to chat feel free to PM me.

Jen