 Dear Post Office....
Dear Post Office,
Over the course of your history, you have developed a bad rap. Everyone likes to complain about you.
And it’s all your fault.
People aren’t just being petty. You really do suck beyond all reason.
I do realize most of the post office employees are bitter and antisocial for whatever reason, and feel that they are so mistreated that they are somehow justified in being complete jerks.
Maybe they weren't hugged enough as children, I don't know.
I feel that I should inform you that many of us civilians also hate our jobs, but we manage to maintain at least a basic level of customer service most of the time, all the meanwhile making MUCH less than you do.
In specific, I would like to complain about my missing envelopes. As of late, I am not getting mail that I KNOW has been sent (people have gone as far as taking a picture of them putting it into a big blue USPS box), and mail that I KNOW has been put into my box.
Please, don't be so petty as to say that "someone must be stealing your mail". Come on now folks. I'm 25. I'm in student loan debt up to my eyeballs, I'm barely keeping my nose above the proverbial water that is my mortgage and the only "fun" (aka non bill) mail that comes is my coupons.
WHY do you seem to always use the excuse that someone is "stealing my mail, which is a federal offense?" Do you really think that the 80 year old lady down the road with a walker is jacking my mail? Or maybe it's the 4 year old across the street. I'm sure he gets permission from his mom to ride his trike across the street so he can steal my mail (from the mailbox he can't reach.)
Also, if it's because the mailperson hates me - I'd like to know why. I made sure to put the mailbox as close to the driveway as possible so s/he wouldn't have so far to walk. I gave you cookies last year for the holidays. COOKIES! I even said "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" even though what I wanted to say was "Bah freaking humbug". I wave and smile and say "HI!" everytime I see you. I pull over to the side of the road and let you pass by on our narrow road, instead of playing chicken with you like most the idiots in this neighborhood do.
So I ask you, WHY mail-person, am I not getting my mail? Are you using it as kindling in your firepit? Are you taking the envelopes which are clearly coupons and using them youself? (I'll gladly share, just let me take the cat food coupons!) Perhaps you secretly hate me because I go out of my way to be nice to you. (Heaven forbid someone actually appreciates you walking through sleet, snow, rain, wind and sub zero north eastern temperatures to bring the mail!)
In closing, dear Post office and postal employees - PLEASE stop 'misplacing' my mail. People who I am mailing, or have mailed me, are starting to think I'm a liar, and that's NOT fair.
Oh, and the 80 kittens and cats in my non profit say "MEOW!" in a very not nice tone. They were waiting on those "buy one get one free - fancy feast appetizer" coupons to come in. They're VERY hungry and were hoping for something name brand for a change.
In closing, please bring me my mail. If you do me this favor, I promise to use extra salt this winter on my driveway, walk way and even scatter some near the neighbors mailbox (who never salts his walk way).
Thanks.
__________________
~ If you can't handle me at my worst, than you certainly don't deserve me at my best! ~ | 
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