Holiday poems, jokes & the like ~ 2010

[YouPdWhat]

Have a Holiday poem, joke, etc? Share it here. Remember keep it clean please.

[pussikat91958]

Happy Thanksgiving

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!




How to Cook a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

[YouPdWhat]

It's the Most Fattening Time of the Year


It's the most fattening time of the year
With that pumpkin pie filling
and everyone swilling down eggnog and beer
it's the most fattening time of the year

It's the lip smackingest season of all
while you're shopping you're cheating
impulsively eating that junk at the mall
it's the heav-heaviest season of all

There'll be turkeys for basting
and stuffing for tasting
and giblets and gravy will flow
there'll be cookies that mom baked
and leftover fruitcake
from a Christmas a long time ago

It's the scale flattening time of the year
while your diet you're blowing
there's calories going
straight down to your rear
it's the scale flattening time of the year

There'll be after meal dozing and arteries closing
cholesterol levels will grow
it's too cold for jogging
too brisk for tobogganing
so pass me a hot buttered roll

It's the most fattening time of the year
all those gingerbread shingles
and chocolate Kris Kringles will tremble in fear
it's the most fattening time -
it's the belt loosening time -
it's the most fattening time of the year!




By Bob Rivers

[YouPdWhat]

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

[YouPdWhat]

Gift Wrapping Procedure

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don’t reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat’s enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. ( Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best! )
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver’s face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.

[YouPdWhat]

It Happened One Christmas

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

[YouPdWhat]

Another Attorney's Night Before Christmas
(Sort of)


Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at
a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House")
a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed
by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief
that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus hereinafter ("Claus")
would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House,
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the
party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma
had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties
were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon
the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said
House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause
and/or circumstance.

The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree
of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle")
being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately
eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact
was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance
to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the
animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer").
(Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional
co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences
located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the
Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of
unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission,
either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus
entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with
residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a
portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown
items.

He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in
blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys
and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute
"gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the
U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose
and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the
roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts."
Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus
from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state
and/or exclaim:

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" or words to that effect.
Respectfully Submitted,

[YouPdWhat]

Reindeer Jokes

1. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
   ”Horn”-aments!
2. What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
   She’d go to a “re-tail”shop for a new one!
3. Why is Prancer always wet?
   Because he’s a “rain”-deer!
4. Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
   Because every buck is dear to him!

[hburnette3]

Here's another turkey recipe.

It might go good with the one above.

I thought this sounded good! Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the

use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me,

who just are not sure how to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.



8 - 15 lb. turkey

1 cup melted butter

1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)

1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)

Salt & pepper to taste

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.

After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.

When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across

the room,.... it's done.

[queenofthehivemomof5]

LOL those are both too cute!