When do you know you're ready?

[lssugoalie]

Some background: I'm 27, DH 38, we own our house, have no debt besides mortgage, good savings, lots of retirement savings, money leftover each month. In a nutshell we're doing great. It seems like the perfect time to have a kid (definitely max of one for us at most). But we're both not sure if we want kids, my biological clock is kicking in, but I hate other people's kids, even my cousins' kids, etc. My husband runs in fear of kids too. Everyone says "it's different with your own," but I just don't believe it. It seems like a huge decision that you can't change your mind on. I know people who don't have kids who are just fine, but I feel like I'll really be missing out in life if we don't.

Also, I've had some depression issues in the past and DH thinks it may be a problem with postpartum. I don't know how much I should factor that in.

Thanks in advance for any info you guys can give on this.

[JPoy85]

I think this is such a serious decision, ONLY you and your DH can make it and know when is right or what to do.

Sorry, just the way I feel.

[lssugoalie]

I should also add that we both have families that would possibly be a pain in the butt with kids. His parents live 2 hrs away, are retired and extremely nosey and opinionated. My mom lives across country, but poses the threat of uprooting to live with us if we have a kid (has already threatened to do this btw). How much should i factor families into this decision, if at all?

[thecouponlady2]

Your own kids are different because you make the rules. I am not a fan of kids in general. However, I desperately wanted my own. Other people's kids annoy me. However, I do not allow my kids to run around a store and pull things off the shelves. I don't give into temper tantrums. I have some amount of control over my own kids (but kids still do what kids are going to do). I can't say anything if someone else wants to give their kid a lollipop to make them stop crying.

That said, kids are hard work. You have to wake up in the middle of the night with them, change their diapers, deal with them when they are whinny. And that's just the beginning. There's 17 more years of commitment. It's not easy and it's not always fun. I do love mine, but being a parent is not for everyone.

My advice is usually that if you are waiting for conditions in your life to be absolutely perfect, go ahead and have kids, because conditions in your life will never be absolutely perfect.

However, if neither of you really want kids, then don't. I had a happy life before I had kids. I went on amazing vacations and did what I wanted when I wanted. As much as I wanted children, I knew that if God never blessed me with any, although I'd be disappointed, I'd still be fine. Now, it's hard just getting out to the movies alone. I don't regret my choice, and I'd do it again. I am still happy, but my life is different now. And they are too young to appreciate those great trips.

You don't need to have kids to be fulfilled. Unfortunately, society doesn't realize this. And family members don't tend to value this. You and your husband are a family. Children don't make you a family. In the end, you and your husband still need to be a family long after (hopefully) your kids have moved out.

People make their children their lives. You don't have to do that. You should be there and be a good parent, but being a parent doesn't have to be your identity.

My clock started ticking when I was around your age, but my husband wasn't ready. So we waited some years. The good news is you are still young (don't compare yourself to the people you knew in high school who now have 4 kids). And you have time to think on it.

If you are getting pressure from family members to have kids, don't mind them. Yeah, the parents may want grandkids, but you're the one who has to be there 24/7. It has to be your decision. And as much as you may love your family desipte their annoying desperate pleas for you to have children, they don't get a say.

Both my mil and my fil have threatened to move in at various points in time (even before we had kids), but some things you have to take a stand on, like them living on your block.

Take your opinion and your husband's opinion into account. Also, think about the kids you may have. Are you going to be able to give them the commitment they need? For 18 years? If not, it's not really fair to them. After all, no one asks to be born.

If you do decide to have kids, yes, it is scary, but know that when you have kids, you too will change. Which is why I think it takes 9 months. Some animals have offspring in a matter of weeks. But 9 months grows a baby and changes you. By the time that baby comes you're willing to change poopy diapers and be spit up on. Stuff that once seemed really important, doesn't seem to matter so much anymore. Things that you didn't think were important suddenly are. You get a greater appreciation for the little things.

Getting married is scarry, but you did that. I'm sure you must have been concerned at some point, am I marrying the right guy? what will married life be like? I'm not saying having a baby is the same, but it is kind of similar. And if your husband is anything like mine (dirty clothes on the floor next to the hamper, video games, not putting dirty dishes in the sink), you probably feel like you already have one kid as it is. Except, kids in the beginning can't do anything for themselves. Although, sometimes it seems that way with husbands too.

How did you know you should get married? Or buy that house? Buying a house isn't easy either - that's a big commitment too.

You two need to just sit and talk about it. Get all your feelings out, let him get his out, and even if you do decide to have kids, decide to wait a year so you can have the discussion again and make sure you really do. Because you're right, short of giving them up for adoption, you can't really change your mind once you have them. But try not to let other peoiple's parenting techniques stop you.

[lssugoalie]

Thank you so much for the advice, this is the best advice I've ever gotten about anything. We'll definitely be talking a lot a lot a lot. As far as marrying went it was a no brainer. If there were ever soulmates, it's us, hands down. That's part of the reason I'm scared to have kids. We alreay are having so much fun and enjoying life exactly how it is, I'm scared to mess with it. I'll be reading and rereading your post whenever I'm thinking about kiddos. Thank you again.

[gatosqueak]

Things change.. We were "set" on adopting two school age sibling groups from CPS, but wow! My husband works for CPS and it was insane last week.. policy says we can't, some workers say we can, some say we can't... agencies don't know.. we were on our third agency. Gah! It was a lot of heart ache.

After all that mess, we are now trying to conceive our own kiddo.. We wanted to adopt to provide a home to kiddos in need, but wow.. the process would (has already) put us through the ringer.

My whole point is, our perspective changed rather quickly. 360 change in a few days. Life is weird, you never know what will trigger wanting/not wanting kids in just a few day's or even hours' time.

I hope we can have kids.. am sure there is no reason we can't have them on our own. If we can't, tons of options out there.

But I learned only WE can make that decision. And I don't give a flying crap about what people make of our decisions either, or that we had to quickly back peddle our decisions. We are lucky to have support for whatever decision we make where we live (friends, my family, etc).

You guys are the only ones who can make that choice as it's you guys who face the consequences of that decision. And it's not like either way is a bad choice! You're in a fantastic spot, and it's not like you have to make up your mind ASAP.

I hope that helps some. We advocate praying a lot too if you follow a religion. That helped us come to terms to.. and really, have peace even if we never have kids for some reason too.