My 5 year old daughter is a ruffian, I need advice.

[Deja Vu]

I have a darling 5 year old daughter, who will be attending Kindergarten in the fall. She is with out exaggeration, much larger ( not fat, tall) and much brighter than her classmates, and will be very close to the age 6 by the time she starts. I have some concearns though about her play with other children, which is often antaganistic, and rough.

She has taken particular fondness ( best-friend) to much smaller girl, prone to constant whining with much less ability then her ( still needing to be shoed properly, rides with training wheels etc...)

There have been many instances where I have had to redirect, or time-out my daughter for inappropriate or rough play, frankly bullying; with this child and others.

I was taken aback today during thier play when I witnessed my daughter picked
up a stuffed duck that our dog disemboweled, held it up to her and said;
"this is your duck; your ducked died because you didn't take good care of it." And then threw it at the poor child. I was mortified by my daugthers behavior.

I'm at a loss. I am guilty of finding a reason to blame parents for childrens behaviour, and can't figure out where I am going wrong.
Any advice, or experience?
I need to nip this in the bud, somehow.

Thanks for Listening!

[justmama]

Well i probably shouldn't respond since i think i misinterpreted your post. But i took the post as very condescending. Maybe since i have a 7 1/2 yo, who rides with training wheels, and is prone to whining. Even with those faults he complete through part of 3rd grade this past year. Seems to me your daughter has picked up on your attitude of how you think she compares to her peers and treats them as less than equal.

As for nipping it in the bud, don't let her play with children she bullies if that means playing alone for a couple of days, it may do her some good. Children don't like playing with 'friends' who are mean to them.

Children all develop different strengths at different times, while my 7 1/2 year old will complete third grade by Christmas, just after turning eight, he will still whine, need help getting dressed, be scared to take a shower w/o someone int he room with him.

Good Luck with your situation.

[beth119]

I didn't find it condescending at all. The OP stated clearly that her DD is capable of things her best friend isan't. I don;t see where she said that was a bad thing???

Both my DS's learned at 4 to ride without training wheels, but my DD is 4 1/2 and won't even try. Nothing wrong with that, just different.


OP-- Have you tried talking to her about why she is "bulling"? Does she realize that she even is? SOme kids are just more dominant than others, and until they realize exactly what they are doing, they won't stop. Its part of their personality.

Try doing some role playing. You be her, and act out what you have seen her doing to her friends. See how she responds. If she can't see HOW it hurts other people, you may want to try a family counseler.

[Deja Vu]

I think you may have misinterpreted it a little. I surely did not insinuate that the child was slow or annoying.

Seems to me your daughter has picked up on your attitude of how you think she compares to her peers and treats them as less than equal.

This comment riled me a little to be honest, but it did make me think. I believe that comparison is (while not popular for some,) pretty natural. I can only speak from experience and what I know. I don't think it's an less than equal issue.
I belive my daughter did pick up on my compassion and my willingness to help those who do learn at a differnet pace. My daughter does often put this childs shoes on the right feet and tie them for her and is helpful in many other ways.
I do thank you for your wishes for luck, and your help if you intended it as that.

[Deja Vu]

Thanks Beth. I was really trying to find the condescending; and perfectly willing to accept fault.

I much appreciate the role playing advice, I think my daughter would be really receptive to it!

Originally Posted by beth119 I didn't find it condescending at all. The OP stated clearly that her DD is capable of things her best friend isan't. I don;t see where she said that was a bad thing??? Both my DS's learned at 4 to ride without training wheels, but my DD is 4 1/2 and won't even try. Nothing wrong with that, just different. OP-- Have you tried talking to her about why she is "bulling"? Does she realize that she even is? SOme kids are just more dominant than others, and until they realize exactly what they are doing, they won't stop. Its part of their personality. Try doing some role playing. You be her, and act out what you have seen her doing to her friends. See how she responds. If she can't see HOW it hurts other people, you may want to try a family counseler.

[qponsrgr8]

Not really any "advise", just wishes for a happy resolution for both you and your DD. It is so hard to see your child do something or act in a way that is so "out there". I hope it all works out for you.

[wealthybarney]

I asked my sister, the child psychologist about this since I wasn't able to have children, but have compassion on you both. She says: Aggressive behavior in a child or "bullying" CAN (I don't want anyone to think I am implying your family) be caused by too strong or too weak parental disapline boundaries-so that the kid feels like they can't do anything right, or gets attention from "being bad" , an only child, or a child acting out some kind of internal stress or underlying health imbalance that they can't articulate-which Sis says is 90%.

Sis is concerned enough to suggest talking with a child counselor for the ONLY reason is that if this happens in class-she might be labeled by the students & teacher, & get this absorbed into her identity, & believe it is a personality trait, instead of something else, & then have it follow her all through her school years.

Sis said you must be a good Mom to assess this so quickly, & nip it in the bud. She also says a talk with MD & maybe get some routine blood tests by the pediatrician to rule out other causes like Thyroid, food allergies or gluten intolerance,etc.
She said sometimes, it is a hormonal thing from too much fat intake, too many synthetic plastics that leach into their food-linings of canned food like soup, microwaved meals in plastic trays, drinks from plastic containers that may have sat in a hot warehouse,etc. These mimic estrogens, cause aggression, & girls are starting menstruation at age 7!!
I think you are a good, loving, & attentive parent. I hope this helped, Sis would have charged you $190 for an hour:)

[kaylaledford]

Wow, what awesome advice from wealthybarney!

[Deja Vu]

Originally Posted by kaylaledford Wow, what awesome advice from wealthybarney!

I will second that!

[Deja Vu]

Thank you so much wealthybarney for taking the time to share that, and to your sister for passing it along.

I fall under the line of weak parental disapline boundaries for sure. My husband and I have tried many methods of discipline with her spirtied behavior, with little success unfortunately.

I expressed some concearn with it during our first 4K conference when the educator labled her as a leader. She had shown some signs of bulling behavior with her younger female cousins.

Interesting read on the rest of the potential causes. Essentially this years school year was her first semi-full time interaction with other children of her age and I was worried that I may have somehow prohibited her from learning proper play. I was also considering trying to seperate her and her good friend next year as there are two Kindegarten classes, and see if she made a new best friend that may better suited for her.