My 5 year old daughter is a ruffian, I need advice.

[#1RobThomasfan]

I think WealthyBarney had great advice for you. I am a PreK teacher and sometimes we encounter children who are having behavior issues. Until you know the child and their circumstances you should refrain from even thinking of assessing the child. But I agree with WBs sis, you should address everything now so she doesnt get labeled in school because even though its not right and shouldnt happen it does. Teachers will label her and that could mess up any progress she starts to make. You need a teacher who knows you and your daughter and works WITH you. I had a child this year who hurt children on purpose, wanted everything her way,etc. She was moved to my class because her previous teacher just sent her to the office without getting to know her and address her issues. I met with her mom and set on a path to redirect her. I believe if you get a teacher who loves her job then you will get results and cooperation. This child was diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication. She was a genius and had no issues academically. It was all social. Positive influences and consequences for her actions added to alot of love and redirection and guidance yielded a child who walked out of my room 100% a different child. At the end of the year her mother took me aside and said thank you because you cared. Thats the bottom line, you care enough about your daughter to work on this. Talk to her future teacher, make her accountable for what she does and stick with it. I think you will do well. Good luck to you.

[mama22qts]

Originally Posted by #1RobThomasfan Talk to her future teacher, make her accountable for what she does and stick with it. I think you will do well. Good luck to you.

How do you make the teacher accountable?

[Nimbus254]

Originally Posted by mama22qts How do you make the teacher accountable?

I think she meant to make the daughter accountable for her actions, and to be consistent by sticking with it.

[gabriel_maddie]

Originally Posted by Deja Vu I was taken aback today during thier play when I witnessed my daughter picked up a stuffed duck that our dog disemboweled, held it up to her and said; "this is your duck; your ducked died because you didn't take good care of it." And then threw it at the poor child. I was mortified by my daugthers behavior.

As a mother, I would find this disturbing. It would definitely be something I would address. I would look at the kind of movies she is watching (not only at your house, but her friends' houses too), ask some questions about where she would get this attitude, etc.

[gabriel_maddie]

Originally Posted by Deja Vu I'm at a loss. I am guilty of finding a reason to blame parents for childrens behaviour, and can't figure out where I am going wrong. Any advice, or experience? I need to nip this in the bud, somehow. !

I think recognizing that there is a problem is the start of fixing it. Some children are just more difficult than other children. It isn't necessarily what you did, but more of a personality thing of the specific child.

I would have to say that, when reading your entire first post in whole, I took it in a similar manner to the second poster. It's hard to read someone's feelings in the writing though.

When I was in the schools, I saw a lot of parents downplay some behavior by trying to focus on the behavior of another child's behavior. For example, some would say, "My child may be a little rough, but it is possibly just exaggerated because the other children are kind of wimpy." I think this is the feeling your first post put across to me. You explained that your child is big for her age, more independent, etc. You still need to have the same standards for her that you would any other 5 year old....a certain degree of kindness, compassion towards others, etc. Don't let her use her assets as a crutch, which I saw parents do quite often.

You mentioned her behavior reaches beyond this child, and she acts like this with other children too. So, quite frankly, I see the problem being with your child, not so much this "whinny" child. In my opinion, your daughter needs to learn that if she can't be nice, then she won't have the privilege of playing with another child until she can play properly. Yes, this will be a pain for you because the child will then seek your attention since she has no one else to play with at that time. Be prepared. Have things that she can do on her own (to some extent), such as puzzles, coloring books, playdough, single person games, books, etc. Set aside time that you can play with her, so that by example, she sees the right way to play with others (but don't allow the time to be too much because she might just choose to keep the status quo here).

I am all for positive praise, but I think when a child gets too much of it, especially if the child is an only child or oldest sibling, it can go straight to their heads. This leads to an exaggerated sense of self-worth and will also create a feeling of them thinking that they are better than the other children. If your child hears you telling people how she is big for her age (not fat, but tall), smarter than other children, more independent, can do more than other kids her age, etc., her ego might be inflated a little bit, which can lead to her feeling that she has the upper hand in her relationships/friendships. This may be another reason why she may be acting out as the bully to others. Maybe the positive praise you should give her should change focus to how she is treating others (at least at this point, since this is the behavior that you would like to change right now). Continue to point out how nice it was for her to share her toy, let her friend be the one in charge/leader, how you really liked how they played as a team, etc.

I agree with the other poster about how although it may not be right, teachers will label her. If she acts like a bully from day one, then a teacher might treat her with less kindness and such. They will also talk to other teacher's about her behavior.

On the other hand, school can sometimes change the behavior on it's own. If your child sees that no one wants to be her friend because she bullies, than you can take that as an opportunity to teach her the right way to be a friend.....something she may or may not learn on her own. In my opinion, it is a rough way to learn it though.

[Deja Vu]

Well we've been working steadily on dicipline all week, with some progress; on both ends. Her summer school class brought in a new group of children. An incident at school with another classmate opened a door to some discussion about her feelings, and the way she makes her friend feel when she does not play nicely. We spent a week at the beach with her extra whinny friend, lol, it was without incident. I am thinking being that they were both in an enviroment outside of their own homes doing something they could both agree was fun was key. We also had a play date with a child of the same age that was more closley suited to her level of ability, it was rewarding to watch such nice play.

[Deja Vu]

p.s. my daughter is having a very natural 5 year old whine-fest as I type.

[wealthybarney]

Deja-Vu--I like the way you have responded to every single post. You are humble, yet confident. Honest & calm, yet concerned & absorb every helpful idea. You come across very intellingent & unbiased. I perceive you are a really cool person, who has had dealt with hard things in life at a young age.

I wish you lived near me--you are just the kind of person I would love to go on daily walks with. Planning on moving to Eastern Washington soon?
Congrats for the successful week of play at the beach. Progress has arrived!

[Deja Vu]

wealthybarney, your kind words are appreciated, and Washington I would bet is a beautiful place for a walk!

My daughter today had a play date with her friend taken away for something I clearly recognized as my fault. She was teasing her friend, much like I tease her at home. Her friends distress did not however deter it, nor did my repeated requests for her stop..... still working on it.

[#1RobThomasfan]

How do you make the teacher accountable?

lol, sorry for the confusion...I did mean to make the child accountable but also if the teacher tells you SHE is going to do something then make sure she does it. EVERYONE has to uphold their end of the bargain for this to work.