Second year in a row!

[Katane]

My ex and I have shared custody of our 13 year old daughter. He works in retail so he has always had to work on Christmas Eve. So for the last 12 years, the plan has always been that she's with me on Christmas Eve and I take her to his house on Christmas day after lunch with my family.

Last year it was snowing on Christmas. I live in the south, I don't drive if there's anything white on the road. So, rather than taking her to his house across town, I called him to see if he wanted to meet somewhere closer or come get her from where we were or what? He didn't answer the phone, I left a message, he didn't call back. I called several times during the evening because I was worried, there's an age gap between us and he's not exactly in the best of health, but never got an answer.

On the 26th I called again and he answered. Seems he decided not to answer the phone the day before because he thought it was too late, it was 2. So I worried all Christmas Day night and she was upset for nothing.

This year we left my family at 3. I told him earlier that we weren't going to eat til 1 so we would be a bit later. We got to his house at 3:30. His car was there but no one came to the door. We knocked and waited and knocked and waited and then called and waited then went around to the bedroom window and knocked and waited and nothing.

Finally I left a note on his door and a message on his answering machine and came home. I tried to call a few times last night and got no answer. I was really beginning to think he may have died and even thought I was trying not to let my daughter think that way I could tell she was. She went to bed crying. This morning I call him and he says he was down the street, he saw us come and leave and it was dark so he just let us go. It was not dark. I called my mom this morning and found out my dad went out to his house last night and got no answer too.

Next time he's not where he's supposed to be or i don't get an answer at the door I'm going to call the police, tell them I'm concerned about him because i can't get in touch with him and have them break the ^%$# door down!!

Sorry this was so long, I just needed to get it off my chest.

[shelleyf]

I am so sorry you are going through this and for the 2nd time in a row. I would be mad and worried too if it were me. I think he doesn't want to spend time for Christmas with his daughter but why though? Does he not have the money to buy her a present and is embarrassed maybe? If that were the case he should tell you and you could work something out. His way is totally unexcuseable and you and your daughter should not have to go through this every year. I will pray for his health though.

[Katane]

I am so sorry you are going through this and for the 2nd time in a row. I would be mad and worried too if it were me. I think he doesn't want to spend time for Christmas with his daughter but why though? Does he not have the money to buy her a present and is embarrassed maybe? If that were the case he should tell you and you could work something out. His way is totally unexcuseable and you and your daughter should not have to go through this every year. I will pray for his health though.

oh no, he has plenty of money. He's one of those buy your affection type of people. He did this to hurt me. He plays mind games which is one of the main reasons he's my ex. I'm just upset because it hurt my daughter. i don't know if he realized that would happen or not. He came to pick her up today and I hope she gives him an earful. I didn't go outside to speak with him this morning because it'm still too upset to be nice.

[Donnaquilt]

Make him come and pick her up at an arranged time.

He can only continue mistreating you if you give him the opportunity. Talk to your daughter well in advance so she is mentally prepared should Dad let you both down again. Maybe talk to him and change the whole Christmas thing if that is a tough time of the year for him. He is playing games - he might not totally realize it until you both point it out to him.

How often does your daughter get to spend time with him? Could the Christmas date be changed entirely? Maybe a few days after Christmas?

[motherofmolly]

he is just doing this to keep hurting you. next time he is not there or does not answer the door, do nothing more than leave. no calls, no sending police and no sending of family. let him understand that he does not have control over you like that.

say nothing more than "your dad did not answer, we will wait for him to call". to your dd.

if your ex says somethign to you, say " i came, i knocked, no answer, i went home"

cut the control he has over you. he is the boy that cried wolf.

[peggy47]

So sorry for your daughter...this must be very hard on her. Now you have got to stop being so nice....next year you tell him to pick her up at such and such time at YOUR house....your daughter is 13 so she knows what is going on..if he doesn't pick her up, let HIM explain to his daughter why....Just be there for her because it sounds like he doesn't really care if he sees his daughter or not...Don't let him do this to you or your daughter!

[shelleyf]

oh no, he has plenty of money. He's one of those buy your affection type of people. He did this to hurt me. He plays mind games which is one of the main reasons he's my ex. I'm just upset because it hurt my daughter. i don't know if he realized that would happen or not. He came to pick her up today and I hope she gives him an earful. I didn't go outside to speak with him this morning because it'm still too upset to be nice.

I was hoping it was a money issue which isn't an excuse but at least a reason. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I would let him take full responsibility for his actions

[clippyclippy]

So sorry. This must be so painful too see dd being hurt.
In addition to what the others have said about letting him pick her up, maybe you can be sure to have a back up plan in case he doesn't show- plan a movie to watch together, bake cookies or something fun to distract her a little.
Won't do anything to change his behavior, but lowering your expectations may lessen your anxiety.

[clevermom2004]

he is just doing this to keep hurting you. next time he is not there or does not answer the door, do nothing more than leave. no calls, no sending police and no sending of family. let him understand that he does not have control over you like that.

say nothing more than "your dad did not answer, we will wait for him to call". to your dd.

if your ex says somethign to you, say " i came, i knocked, no answer, i went home"

cut the control he has over you. he is the boy that cried wolf.

I think motherofmolly advice is Perfect.

[Katane]

Good advice guys, thanks. I think next time I will have him come here at a set time. If he doesn't show he can't blame me. i just have to put myself in the mindset that if he's not here at that time, I move on with whatever plans I had. Not gonna sit around worrying or waiting on him.