Question about Marriage & Divorce

[Doglover8180]

This is a related but somewhat unrelated question I have for you all..... I have been reading about alot of people on HCW who are posting that their husbands have left them and are taking them for all their money, etc... if a woman wants to marry a guy but wants to be smart about it, what do you all recommend? What does she need to do - so that 20 years later when he is pulling this, he won't be able to touch her money, etc... and she won't be left high and dry? That's what I want to know. Prenup - won't really help her - unless she is bringing in alot of money into the marriage to begin with. So what would I want in writing prior to getting married so that if the man decided to leave me in 20 years... he wouldn't be able to burn me. Any documents exist or just prenups?

[joshmamabear]

This is a related but somewhat unrelated question I have for you all..... I have been reading about alot of people on HCW who are posting that their husbands have left them and are taking them for all their money, etc... if a woman wants to marry a guy but wants to be smart about it, what do you all recommend? What does she need to do - so that 20 years later when he is pulling this, he won't be able to touch her money, etc... and she won't be left high and dry? That's what I want to know. Prenup - won't really help her - unless she is bringing in alot of money into the marriage to begin with. So what would I want in writing prior to getting married so that if the man decided to leave me in 20 years... he wouldn't be able to burn me. Any documents exist or just prenups?

I know those who are thinking of pre nups want to protect their assets IF they have more than the other party they are marrying. But if both parties have nothing really substantial @ the time they marry, then everything they acquire during the marriage becomes conjugal property. When it is conjugal, then both parties own it and are likely to divide their assets equally (in most cases) when their marriage don't work out and they seek a divorce. One party, not always the woman, may be left high and dry, IF the other party has moved their assets to his/her name w/o the other realizing it, before they get divorced.

I am not a lawyer, this is just my perception based on cases I've read.

[Doglover8180]

I know those who are thinking of pre nups want to protect their assets IF they have more than the other party they are marrying. But if both parties have nothing really substantial @ the time they marry, then everything they acquire during the marriage becomes conjugal property. When it is conjugal, then both parties own it and are likely to divide their assets equally (in most cases) when their marriage don't work out and they seek a divorce. One party, not always the woman, may be left high and dry, IF the other party has moved their assets to his/her name w/o the other realizing it, before they get divorced.

I am not a lawyer, this is just my perception based on cases I've read.

So you are saying that married women - if they want to protect themselves in the event of a divorce, should, prior to a divorce, over time, move money (is that what you mean by assets) into their own account so if they are left high and dry, their account won't be empty and then the man won't be able to touch the money that is linked to a count that has just one person's name on it? I always thought that even bank accounts with one person's name on it - is considered both peoples property if they are married - regardless of the name on the bank account - is that true?

[joshmamabear]

So you are saying that married women - if they want to protect themselves in the event of a divorce, should, prior to a divorce, over time, move money (is that what you mean by assets) into their own account so if they are left high and dry, their account won't be empty and then the man won't be able to touch the money that is linked to a count that has just one person's name on it? I always thought that even bank accounts with one person's name on it - is considered both peoples property if they are married - regardless of the name on the bank account - is that true?

No, I believe that a sound marriage is based on love, trust and respect among other positive things. Both parties should trust each other that they are working for the benefit/welfare of each other. If one party, either the man or woman starts moving money or properties to his/her name alone without the other's knowledge, it simply means there is breach of trust. If this is NOT remedied immediately, it can lead to more problems and ultimately, to divorce. Married couples can still open bank accounts on their name alone, although they can also do a joint and/or account. In joint accounts, either of the spouses can withdraw from the account at any time, and the bank will allow that. But if your account is just in your name, your spouse will not be allowed to withdraw from that account.

[meggers]

I went ahead & moved this to it's own thread.

Personally, I don't want to marry unless I know that my future husband's only desire is to please God in all he does. Cause only then will I know he would take the vows he made in front of God to heart & would work throughout the marriage to keep them.

[Smee]

This may be a really unpopular opinion, but I believe everyone, especially women (since they seem most vulnerable), should be able to be self sufficient. I think, ideally, families should be planned with that in mind. I am sure my perspective is colored by the fact that I have been completely homeless in my past, but my top priority throughout my adult life and marriage has always been maintaining viable skills and an ability to be able to care for myself and kids (when I had them) independently. It's influenced many choices I've made such as not taking on more responsibility (like additional kids) than I could handle alone. It has nothing to do with trusting my spouse. I don't only consider that he could walk away, but he could lose his job, become disabled, flip his lid, whatever that would mean I needed to be able to step up and take full financial responsibility (BTDT), and I don't have enough faith in any system to think of stuff such as child support, alimony, disability, welfare, etc. as adequate protection. Disability can take years to get, if you get it at all, and an order of child support is worthless if a deadbeat parent refuses to pay. Meanwhile, you have to eat and have a roof. Anyway, I'm less about hiding away money and more about making sure I know how I could earn it myself. To be totally clear, I don't think there is anything wrong with being a stay at home parent or spouse. My husband and I took turns doing that. I do think it is important to learn or maintain viable skills and have some idea of how one would support oneself and family alone just in case it ever becomes necessary. I guess I just can't relate to full dependence on anyone's income for my own survival.

So I guess I think marriage should not affect a person's ability to be self sufficient and therefore (ideally) there should be no need to hide money for any sense of security.

[momof2inohio]

This may be a really unpopular opinion, but I believe everyone, especially women (since they seem most vulnerable), should be able to be self sufficient. I think, ideally, families should be planned with that in mind. I am sure my perspective is colored by the fact that I have been completely homeless in my past, but my top priority throughout my adult life and marriage has always been maintaining viable skills and an ability to be able to care for myself and kids (when I had them) independently. It's influenced many choices I've made such as not taking on more responsibility (like additional kids) than I could handle alone. It has nothing to do with trusting my spouse. I don't only consider that he could walk away, but he could lose his job, become disabled, flip his lid, whatever that would mean I needed to be able to step up and take full financial responsibility (BTDT), and I don't have enough faith in any system to think of stuff such as child support, alimony, disability, welfare, etc. as adequate protection. Disability can take years to get, if you get it at all, and an order of child support is worthless if a deadbeat parent refuses to pay. Meanwhile, you have to eat and have a roof. Anyway, I'm less about hiding away money and more about making sure I know how I could earn it myself. To be totally clear, I don't think there is anything wrong with being a stay at home parent or spouse. My husband and I took turns doing that. I do think it is important to learn or maintain viable skills and have some idea of how one would support oneself and family alone just in case it ever becomes necessary. I guess I just can't relate to full dependence on anyone's income for my own survival.

So I guess I think marriage should not affect a person's ability to be self sufficient and therefore (ideally) there should be no need to hide money for any sense of security.

Totally agree with this post.

[jenrose]

Wow, I think this is the first time I have COMPLETELY agreeded with Smee.

Usually it's about half of it that I agree with.

[Doglover8180]

I did not start this thread - I don't know why it appears that I did.

[meggers]

It was a question you posted in another thread. I can delete it though if you want. I was just worried that it would upset the OP of the other thread since she's found herself in this unfortunate situation.