Roomie trouble for my daughter . . . update

[3timesoccermom]

I can't think of much I can do but wanted to see if anyone else had an idea.

Freshman year at college my girl and her new best friend Lindsey had a blast. Naturally they wanted to room together sophomore year.

However, it's not working out. Lindsey and her boyfriend are in the dorm room constantly and how shall we say, "doing it" all the time. My daughter has walked in on them after class several times and of course she is embarrassed and furious. She talked with Lindsey to no avail. Now Lindsey and the bf have gotten more brazen about it and to top it off the bf barges in all the time and my daughter has no privacy. Obviously the other 2 don't care much about privacy but my daughter does.

Consequently she's been camping out at another friend's apartment and getting very little use of her room, that we paid the same amount of $$$$ for that Lindsey did, so I'm a little peeved about that.

Told daughter to talk to a RA but she hasn't yet.

Sure, I'd love to call Lindsey up myself and tell her to have some pride and go somewhere else and let my girl have some use of her room but I can't do that and I really can't think of any other solutions except for daughter just waiting it out.

Any ideas? I guess one thing for sure - I can tell her to lock the dorm door when she's there to keep the guy from coming in unannounced.

Finally, I hate to see what was such a good friendship go down the tube but I don't blame my girl for being disgusted and mad.

TIA.

[joshmamabear]

since your DD is in sophomore year, I think she should learn to stand up for herself. I don't think it'll look good on her or you if you're the one to tell Lindsey or find the solution for her. Let her figure out a solution to this with your guidance and see how she handles it. The best person to talk to is the "dorm mother" or whoever is the person in charge regarding dorm issues; she can state her case and I'm pretty sure any reasonable decent adult will understand and probably give her options to choose from. If she can get out of there w/o being charged penalties, that may be best for her. Meanwhile, she can start looking around for another roomie that she feels comfortable with. Although there are no 100% guarantees that same scenario will not happen again with another roomie, she has to take the chance that 'lightning won't strike twice'; it may be a different issue next time, but she can deal with that later.

these are some of the challenges of college life but she will survive with proper guidance from you :)

[3timesoccermom]

I completely agree with you! The (sort of) funny part is that I warned her against rooming with Lindsey. I didn't anticipate THIS kind of problem but every time I saw a picture of her she was on top of a coke machine or in a shopping basket acting crazy or something and I didn't want my girl getting into trouble.

I sure didn't expect this stuff though and my daughter didn't either. But I have held my tongue and not said "I told you so."

[joshmamabear]

I understand, BTDT. when my DD was 15, she had this BFF that DH and I thought was a bad influence. The gal was wild and DD thought she can influence her to the 'good side'. Although we tried to tell her why we thought so, she wouldn't listen to us .

Fast forward to college, they went to the same university together (they took different courses) and we're glad DD finally took off her "helmet" and realized what we've been telling her about the gal. She came up to us one day (she was a sophomore then) and told us she was cutting off all ties with this BFF due to her bad reputation on campus; she realized on her own that if she wants to succeed, she had to cut ties immediately and find new friends. DH and I were glad she got the 'bump in the head' without having to nag her constantly.

She chose and screened her roomies carefully from then and so far, so good. I like the gals she hangs out with, they're respectful and responsible kids. God willing, they're graduating spring of 2012

[3timesoccermom]

Well lessoned learned!! Good luck to them and congrats for getting them that far.

[mom25grls]

My daughter had the same problem last year. She requested a roommate change. She tried to talk to her TA but it didn't work as the TA really didn't care, as long as there weren't any parties and no noise. My daughter went to the housing authorities and asked to be moved, explained that the situation wasn't something she could live with and needed moved as soon as possible. She was moved within a week or 10 days I believe. There are always kids moving out or around, esspecially with fall break and the make it or break it point in the semester (drop outs for grades) so there should be something for her in another room. When they asked the reason for my daughter, she just said that they were not compatible, things don't work and their sleep patterns were different (partly the truth).

I agree that your daughter has to do it herself or live with her decision to stay. My daughter was first year, second semester and it just didn't fly.

Good luck! Hope things work out.

[clippyclippy]

This would be something that would make me wish she were 6 years old and I could just take control and "fix" the problem!

Hopefully she'll follow your advice on how to handle it, and to stand up for herself. Urge her to not allow anyone to trample all over her. The room-mate for some reason thinks it's OK to show a lack of respect and consideration for your daughter, and she needs to know it's isn't acceptable to do what she'd doing.

One thing that might help - be thankful the other girl isn't your daughter!

[kschick96]

My daughter had the same problem last year. She requested a roommate change. She tried to talk to her TA but it didn't work as the TA really didn't care, as long as there weren't any parties and no noise. My daughter went to the housing authorities and asked to be moved, explained that the situation wasn't something she could live with and needed moved as soon as possible. She was moved within a week or 10 days I believe. There are always kids moving out or around, esspecially with fall break and the make it or break it point in the semester (drop outs for grades) so there should be something for her in another room. When they asked the reason for my daughter, she just said that they were not compatible, things don't work and their sleep patterns were different (partly the truth).

I agree that your daughter has to do it herself or live with her decision to stay. My daughter was first year, second semester and it just didn't fly.

Good luck! Hope things work out.

I second this. I worked at a college for several years in admissions, but we were right next to the housing department and we had kids coming in to change roomates all of the time. Like mom25girls said-with the semester coming to a close the first part of the December, there will be several kids not coming back or needing roomates changes and this would be the perfect time. I would so ASAP so they can get her name on the list.

Tell her not to feel bad about the friendship ending-it's not her fault for wanting out. It was her friend's decision to be disrespectful and continue doing what was upsetting your daughter.

I always am shocked at how open college kids are with their "private" lives. I've had friends that had to share a bunkbed with their roommate and their roommate thought nothing of having their boyfriend stay over and "have private time," with the roomate trying to go to sleep on the top bunk!

My sis shared an apt in college with a girl who was bringing a different guy home every night. Sis moved out and had one of her guy friend's help her. My sis and the roommate had bought a plastic shower curtain together and my sis was in the bathroom getting her stuff when the roommate said that she had better not take the shower curtain because technically half of it was hers. This ticked off my sister's guy friend, who took out a pair of scissors and cut it in half-leaving only the rings and just a tiny bit of shower curtain. He handed the bottom part to my sister and said-here-yours is the bottom half-lol. They cracked up, but boy was the other girl mad!!! lol!

[aCRaZyCoUpoNgiRl]

My niece is in college and I purchased this book for her called my roomate is driving me crazy! Solve conflicts, set boundaries and survive the roommate from hell by susan fee, L.P.C.
ISBN number is 1-59337-269-8

great book! even for living with someone...

[3timesoccermom]

Thanks everybody for the advice.

joshmamabear - thanks again!!

mom25grls - I told her your suggestion as soon as I read it. I think she is hoping Lindsey will move out at the Christmas break - 2 more months!! But I told her she can consider moving herself right now if she wants to go through the effort.

clippyclippy - you are NOT kidding. I sooooo want to say something to Lindsey because it really is starting to make me mad that we paid so much for that room and my daughter does not feel comfortable in her own dorm room.

kschick96 - it bothers me a lot more about the friendship. It's just hard to believe they were so close last year and now this. Lindsey was one of the first friends she made at fish camp and they were together ever since.

Re: UN-private time - hormones. That's all I can say.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE sis' friend!!!!! That is so funny I'm going to share it with my girl.

aCRaZyCoUpoNgiRl - thanks!! What a thoughtful aunt you are.