Stepdaughter's wedding--who pays what?

[CW&M Mom]

This was always my opinion, but I don't want to start any family fights. IMO it is selfish to assume mom and dad will foot the bill, especially when they paid for most of her college expenses.

That makes it even worse! Good grief! Is she gonna be sending you her hospital bills when she has her first baby

[momof2inohio]

My parents paid for our wedding. We had a really nice wedding but my parents had the money and wanted us to have a big wedding (I'm Italian). We will pay for our daughters wedding. It may not be as nice as my wedding was but we will do what we can within our means.

My Dad is divorced and has a stepdaughter. I know when it comes time for her to married that he will expect her real Dad to pay for at least half and then he and my step-mom will pay for some as well.

[Gertie2u]

I can't imagine spending 10k on a wedding, never mind spending it just on the food. Especially in the this economy.

First wedding, friends and family all helped out. Some examples: My parents' friend baked cakes for extra money and gave me my choice of cake for a wedding gift to us. My friend did catering and arranged all the food and things I purchased very elegantly for the reception. My grandmother made our groom's cake. My other grandma bought the film and a friend of my brother's took the pictures and handed us back the film as a gift.

When that marriage ended, I paid for the divorce myself.

When I wed my DH, he'd never been wed before and his parents had about given up hope he ever would have. On top of that, his sister is only a couple years younger and showed no sign of getting married. Both were in their early thirties when DH and I wed. I guess DH's parents were pretty excited, because they offered us a rather generous amount to use as we liked. On a wedding, on a honeymoon, on fixing up the repo house we'd just bought with DH's money, buying a car, whatever. We spent the majority on the house and used just $2500 on our wedding. It would have been less, but I opted to buy an actual wedding dress at the last moment. I initially planned to wear a tea length winter white silk dress I got for $3 in a garage sale with the tag still on it. I ended up using that for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.

Now it is six years later. His sister popped up with a fiance and got married 4 months before us. Still no kids for her up to now and my two from my first marriage remain the only grandkids DH's parents enjoy. I sort of begin to suspect the possibility they will always be the only , but I guess you can never quite be sure what with fifty-year-old women having kids in the news.

I say if no one has spoken with you regarding whether or no you will make a contribution, they ought to be assuming they're covering all expenses themselves. To make plans, then expect someone to pay is very rude and completely unacceptable for adults. Which they'd better be if they are getting married. I don't think you should feel you must make a contribution, but I am sure Dad would like to give his daughter something toward her happy day. You should agree on an amount and then present it to her as a gift. If she has been properly raised, she will be happy and grateful for the help.

[Rene S]

I say if no one has spoken with you regarding whether or no you will make a contribution, they ought to be assuming they're covering all expenses themselves. To make plans, then expect someone to pay is very rude and completely unacceptable for adults. Which they'd better be if they are getting married. I don't think you should feel you must make a contribution, but I am sure Dad would like to give his daughter something toward her happy day. You should agree on an amount and then present it to her as a gift. If she has been properly raised, she will be happy and grateful for the help.

I feel so much better after reading everyone's thoughts. I agree with the above. IMO, if they are going ahead with their own plans, they should pay for it. I think they should have had a talk with us BEFORE they did any of this. They have been dating for many years and have lived together for two, so it's not like their getting engaged was a surprise. They've had plenty of time to approach us.

[3timesoccermom]

Surely the fact that she is booking halls and making other arrangements already means she and her fiance will take some, if not most, responsibility for paying for it themselves.

It sounds like she has already moved out and is on her own. That plus their age would make me feel they shouldn't expect anyone to pay (and as I said, maybe they aren't).

However, I also think it would be very nice to offer either cash or to pay for a certain part of the festivities.

Hubs and I paid every cent for our own wedding 26 years ago, even the bridesmaids dresses.

[uummm]

I think times have changed...way back when the parents did pay for everything the daughters still lived at home and were younger (average) than they are now a days. Also when these traditions started women didn't really work.
I have been married 22 yrs. My parents did pay for my wedding, I was living at home (20 yrs old), and in community college, hubby was in the Navy doing the first part of his schooling/training. I actually made my mom plan everything, I did pick my dress ($200) and the flowers (not sure but it was only my bouquet and my brides maid who was my sister). I told my mom where we wanted to get married, a state park that was $50, and my mom did the reception at a country club (not that we were members) and she picked me minister (it was my aunt's church). I certainly had no money at that age. Funny thing is my mom ALWAYS told us growing up "I will pay you to elope." Hubby's parents paid for NOTHING, not even the rehearsal dinner...

My sister on the other hand got married about 5 yrs ago and paid for it all herself. She was in her 30's and had been living on her own for 10+yrs.

I think Renee is right if she is making all thse plans then they don't EXPECT anything from you, but a gift of money would probably be appreciated.

[Troop1379]

Fisrt of all WOW $10k for just the hall. I would sit her down and tell her your budget and what you are welling to help pay for. I had a friend that just gpt married and they went small. Cause her parents told her we can help with the wedding amd this is what we will give you in money. what ended up happening is they had the small wedding and put the rest of the money for a down payment on the house that they are buying.

[Macaela25]

I would simply say, "Wow...sounds like a pretty big wedding. How are you planning to pay for all this?" That right there will lead to the, "Ummm...well...we were hoping..."
and that will at least open the dialogue up for what you're willing to contribute.

Have your DH do it if you feel it would be an issue coming from you.

[lovemygirls]

I think the best and easiest way to handle this is to give them $xx amount of money and only what you can afford. It would not be fair to put yourself or your husband in the hole for this wedding. She needs to put on her on and pay for it herself if she wants things at a cost of an arm and leg. 10K for the venue is really expensive. Feeding 300 people is going to really be expensive as well. I sure hope she has sat down and thought about this. It's not about how big you go out on your special day but it's the memories of the simple things that will last forever.

Best of luck to you

[sns4063]

We paid for the majority of my wedding-the hall, our clothes, the flowers, the music, the security, photographer. My aunt made my cake which my mom paid her to cover the actual cost. My parent's neighbor did the catering, my folks paid for the food they had to purchase. My uncle works for a food wholesaler, and got me tons of "samples", so that's where most of the food came from. My parents also paid for the beer, even though I didn't want them to ( I didn't want beer at all). The hall decor was all done by using what a cousin's wife had on hand from her wedding decorating business-I had a spring wedding, and she had various spring silk flower arrangements. My wedding ceremony cost only what the cost of the marriage license was-we got married on the town square by the county judge (who as a family friend, officiated for free).

So yeah, DH and I paid for about half, my parents half, but even that was relatively cheap. I didn't expect my parents to pay for anything, but they insisted. Even if I had it to do all over again (and could have afforded more), I wouldn't change a thing.