How do I stop a girlfriend from couponing?

[Traveling Man]

No, I don't want her to stop completely -- just when she is with me.

Explanation: She lives in the States. I am an American but I live overseas and don't get to the States more than 2 or 3 times a year.

When I do get there, I do not want to spend hours waiting for her while she is couponing in drug stores nor do I want to walk to the other side of a city because she has a coupon which will get us a lower price for dinner.

My trips are generally short (about a week each) and she meets me in whatever city I will be visiting. I pay for the hotel and almost all of her expenses, so she really has no need to save money during these trips. I, however, feel that we can't afford to waste time -- we don't have enough of it.

So, gentlemen, what would you do to convince a girlfriend to give up her compulsive couponing for a week?

And, ladies, what would be needed to get you to put it aside and instead enjoy shows, sightseeing, casinos, and...errr...uh..."more private" activities?

[amylynne01]

Why don't you talk to her about it and ask her these questions?

[taxchyk]

I'd suggest plans ahead of time and arrange what I could. For me personally, an ensuite jacuzzi would go a long way. I'd also suggest that if she wanted to add a day to HER trip to coupon it'd make you happier than spending rare, cherished time at it when you so rarely can spend special time. It'd impress me! Good luck.

[Traveling Man]

Why don't you talk to her about it and ask her these questions?

I have. She agrees with me and then goes ahead and does her couponing. When she goes into a CVS or Walgreen she is at least aware of what she is doing. When I ask her where she would like to have dinner, and instead of deciding based on what the menu is, she starts trying to figure out where she can get the biggest discount, she doesn't even consider it "couponing" -- simply wise spending.

Hey! It is my money. Let me "waste" it on a pleasurable dinner in a good restaurant if that is what I want.

I'd suggest plans ahead of time and arrange what I could. For me personally, an ensuite jacuzzi would go a long way. I'd also suggest that if she wanted to add a day to HER trip to coupon it'd make you happier than spending rare, cherished time at it when you so rarely can spend special time. It'd impress me! Good luck.

I've gotten a suite in Vegas, complete with jacuzzi, for an upcoming trip. There is no way that she can afford that suite for an extra night to get in her couponing.

(The suite, itself, is an offshoot of her couponing. It costs multi-bucks but she insists that because it has a fully-equipped kitchen she can do some grocery shopping and have a few meals "at home" and save me money. There is no way that the savings will offset the cost of the suite and, besides, I actually enjoy going out to eat.)

Her heart is in the right place. Her logic, however, is so far from mine that there is no possibility of us seeing this issue the same way.

[Smee]

I don't know how much sympathy you'll get here, but I'd be annoyed, too, if my significant other couldn't put aside their hobby (sorry, couponers) long enough to spend quality time with me, quality being a joint definition. I get all the stuff about it being a lifestyle, way of life, mindset, whatever, but when it gets in the way of real life relationships, I think it's worth considering one's priorities. If her priorities place couponing above your IMO not unreasonable requests, I guess you'll have to decide if you can live with that or whether this relationship may not be worth it longterm rather than try to change her or have her try to change you.

[amylynne01]

I agree with Smee. Couponing is not my life, and i have found balance between my hobby, my family, my husband, and my work. If my DH asked me not to shop on vacation with him, thats not a problem. It sounds like the issue is not convincing her to take a break but her realizing that your quality time deserves more attention.

[Traveling Man]

I have, perhaps, been unintentionally unfair to her in this thread so I would like to clarify a few things.

Couponing for her is not a hobby. It is a job. It is, in fact, the only way that she earns a living. Although she has tried explaining it to me several times, and many of you here might well know how she does it, I still don't follow how she manages to go into a store, buy things, and wind up with the store giving her money. I do, however, accept that she manages to do this.

I do much of my work on the internet (which allows me the freedom to travel) and when we are on trips together I have to take some time to work -- so I can not object if she needs to do the same.

My problem is that I do not ask her to be part of my work nor do I want to be part of hers. I really do not enjoy sitting in a drugstore for a couple of hours while she does her voodoo. If she wants to go by herself, fine. Moreover, I try to reduce my work to a minimum while traveling and would appreciate it if she did the same -- giving us more time together.

What truly annoys me (and this is a result, in part, of our difference in ages -- I am 65 and she is in her early 40's) is that I have reached the point in life where I don't need to, nor want to, worry about money.

My children are grown, finished with college, and earning their own livings (at least for the most part). I am divorced and while I often give presents to my ex I am not required by law to pay her anything. I can afford to travel when I want to, take Business Class or First Class flights, and not be concerned that I won't have enough to live on 10 or 20 years down the road.

She, on the other hand, has to watch every cent. I well understand that and wouldn't dream on insisting that she pay for anything that she does not need nor can't easily afford.

Where we run into conflict is when she applies the logic of her financial situation to my spending money. As I mentioned earlier, I like going to good restaurants (and, yes, I also enjoy fast food places). I enjoy going to shows. I don't want to take a bus when there are taxis available.

I certainly am willing to go to restaurants/shows that she enjoys but I do not accept that it will be the availability of coupons, not the quality of the menu, that determines where I will eat.

As long as I am paying the bill, I truly can not accept that she has veto power over where we eat, or what we do, based on the cost. (Of course, I am willing to give her that veto power when it is a matter of her not enjoying something.)

The question is how can I manage to get her to understand all of this? I have tried talking logically to her about it but the response that I get is, "Your money is important, too. I can't be comfortable seeing you spend twice as much for dinner as you have to."

[ELLE-TN]

questions for the traveling man....
1) how'd you find us?
2) is your GF a member here?
3) what are you really looking for? A sympathetic ear? Advice? or something else?

[$Saving!]

It sounds to me that saving, for whatever reasons in her past, is a lifeline to her. Perhaps she had reason/need for a period of time and it offered her the security that she needed. Letting that go, no matter how well off and how secure an environment you currently offer her, is not enough to escape whatever motivated her to be so frugal.

Given your age, I'll share something with you that might help shed some light.

My parents, independently wealthy by the hard work and frugal ways of my father - who raised 6 children and while we were by NO means spoiled, knew that our future was secure through their sacrifices..... could not shake having both come from poverty. Both of them had lost their fathers at early ages, were raised by mothers who scrimped and saved and did what they could to keep food and clothes available but not much else was there to be had.

When on the eve of my parents 50th wedding anniversary, after we managed to get them out of the house under some ruse, we had to tear down their bedroom to make room for a new bedroom set, we found something that told us exactly how they never forgot their past.

Under my Mother's side of the bed was about 6 coffee cans full of change. Given what they had in liquid assets plus property etc, it was a shock to see.

Once challenged, seriously challenged financially, some people never shake the frugal and saving nature.

Perhaps there is something in her past that has made it imperative to her to save as much as possible.

If that's not it, then I would tend to think it borders on OCD which is again, something out of her control.

[Traveling Man]

questions for the traveling man....
1) how'd you find us?
2) is your GF a member here?
3) what are you really looking for? A sympathetic ear? Advice? or something else?

1. She has told me that there are such forums so I googled "couponing world" (an expression I have heard her use many times) and this was the first website shown.

2. I do not know if she is a member here or not.

3. Advice. I feel that the best people who can give it to me are those who are involved in couponing -- they will be in a better position to understand her mindset.