How to bond with a 13 year old stepchild (girl)

[emeraldeyez02]

I don't know if this is the right forum to post this in but it looks like its open chat area. Forgive me if its not the right place.

My husband has two daughters who are 13 and 11 they live with their mother. She is a very spiteful person and she only lets him call on Tuesdays and Thursdays and she likes to forget to drop them off on his weekend times. She has also told him he can not come to school functions for the girls like choir concerts and such. She also bullied him into taking them home early over the summer when he had his two week periods saying she told him they were going to the shore for the week and he needed to bring them home now. She calls and yells and stirs up trouble when they are here. I keep telling him he needs to stand up for himself but whenever he does she takes him to court over child support wanting more and more.

So the 13 year old is kind of depressed just not very talkative and she tends to keep to herself. I don't know how to get her to come out and talk to me. I have two other children a 7 year old boy and a 2 year old girl.

The girls are upset all the time when they go home they have almost no relationship with their mother, she doesn't take them shopping for clothes or anything grandma does. They get generic school supplies and everything else. They don't go grocery shopping or anything with her either. She has them around as babysitters for her two other children who are also 2 and 5.

So I'm just wondering what do you think I can do with a 13 year old girl that might be fun and get her to bond or talk with me. Besides having a teen sleepover type thing that's what I was thinking. Wash our hair and make it all fun drying and curling makeup, soaking our feet doing toenails ect. She loves to read so I was thinking a secondhand bookstore might be fun to root through all those books. Their mother doesn't take them to the library ever. I don't think their mother has taught them much of anything about caring for themselves like hygiene and periods and such. But I'm not their mother how do I jump in and help if shes not going to?

She is a little bit larger also so I think she has a poor self image. Shes going to start high school next year. And I feel like shes the butt of a lot of jokes I can see it coming I know how some of my friends were made fun of and how upset they were and she doesn't have anyone to confide in or cry to about anything. I just don't know how to help her. We are going to go for custody of the two of them but they are so scared of their mother and her new husband that they don't know what to do and they have to go in front of a judge and talk to him.

She told us that we could pick the girls up on Wednesday for our part of Christmas break because the older daughter had an orthodontist appointment but then she was texting us from the mall when she was with her friends so her mother lied to us. She then calls Friday afternoon to tell us to make sure they are home on Saturday at such n such time and I lost it and started yelling at my husband on the phone and said no they will be home on Sunday at 7 like it was arranged earlier in the week. She got mad because I was yelling at the phone and it has nothing to do with me but it does and my other children playing with them and dinners and time driving them home, stressing on me stressing on my husband making us fight it has everything to do with me and my family.

I'm just at my wits ends and thought maybe someone would have some kind of advice.

[ELLE-TN]

Wow! Good Luck! Teenage years are hard on their own even without all this.

[3timesoccermom]

I don't have any good advice but just wanted to say with time she (and her sister) will both come to realize what a caring person you are and that you are truly concerned about their well-being. You can definitely tell that from your post. I would just say don't push too much but keep offering to include them in regular outings. They are probably afraid to trust you.

You might try writing her notes - she may feel more comfortable communicating that way and it also gives her something to refer back to when she feels doubtful or needs a little pick-me-up.

[snafu4me]

i'd also try doing the things her mother doesn't do with her, also ASK her what she'd like to do or to give it some thought make you a written list

The girls are upset all the time when they go home they have almost no relationship with their mother, she doesn't take them shopping for clothes or anything grandma does. They get generic school supplies and everything else. They don't go grocery shopping or anything with her either. She has them around as babysitters for her two other children who are also 2 and 5.

[kaedeebug]

What about cooking together? You say she is on the heavier side so maybe talk about nutrition etc and have her help with preparing meals so she can make healthy choices and possibly lose a little weight.

Facials, manicures etc are always fun. Jewelry making, making tye die shirts or any crafty thing is always a hit with my girls.

Maybe decorate their room or whatever at your home?
HTH

[Doglover8180]

Find out what hobbies she likes to do and do those with her - whether it be painting, tennis, whatever the case. It will show you have taken an interest in her and what she enjoys doing and secondly, you will be doing an activity that she already enjoys. I think human nature - no matter what the person's age, is we all warm up to and appreciate it when someone takes a genuine interest in us.

[ELLE-TN]

Be careful though! At 13 they think adults are weird and it's a fine line between being cool and being a paint in the butt for them. LOL If you add friends in the mix be sure to give them space.

Be careful with the whole nutrition and weight issues too. Anything you say or do can be taken in the wrong way and used as ammunition against you. I'd be subtle and just start involving her in exercise without making her aware of it. Like going for walks or playing games that get up and move like the new Just Dance for Wii or whatever. You can make healthy diet choices for her without her knowing it too. I also want to add that sometimes girls at this age get a little pudgy because their body is going through a change. My DD is super thin but I did notice right before she hit full puberty that she got a little thicker and then she shot straight up started filling out (curves)

[kval07]

I'd say just invite her to do things with you - all the things her mother doesn't do. As she becomes more comfortable with you, it may come naturally that she starts to talk to you about things.

[aimeebee]

Sounds like a tough situation. I have a 13 yo daughter. She loves shopping, doing her nails, make up and hair, dancing, video games. Her favorite things to do are listen to her ipod or texting her friends--not things you can really do with a parent/stepparent. Some things we like to do as a family are hiking, camping, swimming in good weather, going to the movies or mall, going to the library, bowling, playing the Wii, Family Movie Night, Family Game Night and baking.

I think sending her cards or notes is a great idea. Just a simple Thinking of You or Missing You type thing. You could mail them; my kids all love getting mail...but that assumes that her mother would give them to her. Might be better to slip them into her backpack or bag when they are about to leave.

I don't think I would touch the weight/nutrition thing. I'm sure you mean well, but appearance is such a big thing at their age. Try to set a good example with healthy choices and choosing fun activities that get her moving like a pp said.

[MaMaHaHa]

I have to disagree with mailing things to the girls...if mom is already hostile---mail from the new wife might start more mess...and speaking of mess, your husband has many more years of this back and forth crap...child custody agreements are develped and amended everyday to avoid the exact crap ya'll are going through...I would suggest heading back to court and clarifying with ex that when she acts out-it only hurts the girls...and then spelling out the parameters of the agreement...bullies quit bullying when folks stand up to them.

About bonding...not everything has to be an "event," so whatever you do on a regular bais...like grocery shopping-take them and ask for help and their opinion. Also-and this has worked out well with my and my "fosters"--get them involved in whatever charity type work you do---volunteering at places where teenagers can see that they are not the most pitiful person in the world taps into to their feelings of empathy and helps them feel better about themselves.