How to bond with a 13 year old stepchild (girl)

[angseymour]

o.k. I am a stepmom to a 15 year old girl and a 20 year old boy. Let me start by saying that when I married my husband, the children were 2 and 7, so I have been with them for most of their lives. I had to deal with alot from the ex-wife trying to start trouble and other things that would take up a whole post by itself. We were threatened with more child support, going back to court, keeping kids away from DH on father's day, etc.
I always told my husband that one day when the children got older, they would "Choose to live with us". I was right. When my son (stepson) turned 9 his mother called and told DH to come get him, she could not deal with him. He has lived with us ever since. The 15 year old decided 3 years ago to come live with us as well.
It will get better. I have a great relationship with my step children. I consider them "my" children as well. When someone ask how many children I have I say 3. Dh and I have a daughter as well. Here is my advice:
Be yourself, you seem like a caring person. Let the children see for themselves who makes their lives difficult (in my case it was their mother) seems to be your case as well. They will see it!!! I promise. Let the daughter have the daddy/daughter time without you and the other children. THis makes her feel special. Take her shopping ask if there is anything she would like, just the two of you as well. Ask her what she would like to do. We do a thing where we all pick an activity (low cost of free) and we do as a family. And like others said, include in all family get togethers. As for the visiting times, this should all be in the parenting plan, that they agreed on. I would not budge on the days times, etc. Also, does she have a cell phone? This helped tremendously when they got a cell phone. This way the father can communicate with the children without having to go thru the ex-wife. This diffuses any situations with the ex, if they don't have to talk.
Lastly, DO NOT let her mother keep DH or you for that matter away from any sport or school activities. We BOTH went to all school functions and sporting events. We did not let their mother keep us away and legally she can't. But my DH did stand up for himself as well as the children. Maybe you could talk to your DH as well, but do not let HER keep you all from being a part of all of those special events. Just my two cents. But I have been in your shoes and I know how difficult it can be to be a step parent, but it is all so worth it and very rewarding when your step children call to wish you a Happy Mother's Day. I do consider myself their mother!!!

[3timesoccermom]

This is exactly right OP. You will never have to say a negative word about their mom (not that you would) and they will soon realize for themselves that she is not very nice but you are a class act.

Be yourself, you seem like a caring person. Let the children see for themselves who makes their lives difficult (in my case it was their mother) seems to be your case as well. They will see it!!! I promise.

[emeraldeyez02]

When we did go to one of their concerts their mother found us and pitched a fit which made me feel embarrassed. Especially when the one said where's mom and my son said shes right here pointing at me and their mother heard it. She tried to keep us out on the cheerleading summer camp for the younger one. She just forgets to tell us and I think she tells the girls not to tell us by threatening to ground them and ect.

We gave her a cell phone for Christmas last year which their mother took away from her it was only a little prepaid but we are not going to keep buying her a phone to have it taken away. Mother said they can have one when I say. So she is trying to take communication away. They really only come down here two weekends a month so its between 4-6 days we see them every month.

I told my husband to call them everyday even if she refuses to let them talk so what. We are going to go do something with the court about custody or something because it is just out of hand.

I think we are going to have a fun party this weekend and going to wash each others hair so I can show her in a fun way her hair looks like a rats nest lol she won't let anyone near her to comb it cause her mom used to rip her hair out.

But all of this is great advice I think she will be my shadow going out on the weekends from now on when I leave she leaves to the store and maybe even a trip to walk around the mall since she loves that. I love to read also so I think us going to a second hand book store would be super fun for us.

I told my husband that since she is kind of an angry kid and depressed it may be fun to just go into the middle of the woods and scream just scream as loud as you can for whatever reason.

We have game night with my son, and we do movie night type thing Friday is my son's choice and then Saturday they get to pick what to watch. They like the vampire diaries on the cw so we record that for them. The older one is into vampires and twilight so we read the books and I took them to the movies in the theater.

Oh also funny this weekend we tried ratatouille like from the movie and while everyone thought it was gross but me and my husband it was still funny as next time anyone watches the movie they can say hey I've had that.

[uncommon]

Their mother is not looking out for their best interest. Based on the information you have shared, I think your husband should take her back to court and try to get the custody order changed. Custody can change at any time if there is cause and the court is supposed to determine what is best for the children when making these decisions.

[amys]

ditto to angeysmour


also - if you do take it back to court - they are reaching the age at which the courts will listen to them and give weight to what they say.

At some point they may WANT to live with you and be afraid to say it - if so, the judge can privately interview them and they would have the chance to tell the judge then.

[faeryedark]

Most school websites have a calendar of events like band and chorus concerts...no need to get the info from the girls

[Jen68]

I have daughters 10, 13, 16, & 18 and enjoy a good relationship with them all. This summer I took my niece (14) in for about 2 months as she was having problems with her father and stepmother and my sister is a single mom who works.

I knew my niece was troubled, so I just took every oppotunity to tell her how much I loved her. I also tried to share my life values with her in a non-threatening, non-judgemental way (in other words, I still love you even if you don't look at life my way).

One of her favorite times to open up to me (and this has been true of my daughters as well) is when we would go for walks. No eye contact is necessary, and silence is okay too. Also spend as much time with her as possible. Don't try to make every moment special or "fun" just be in the same room together. Quality moments will come when you least expect them.

I also credit the absense of cable TV in the house for the amount of communication I have with my daughters.