Teenager issues, need support please

[lookalikeadog]

I am the mom of 4 son's, 3 are in there 20's and the baby is 16. The other boys were not really into the girls at 16 but the baby loves them and I'm really having a hard time with all of this.

His latest GF is 14 and I know they have been playing a little kissy face. Because of this I do not allow them to be out of sight when in our home. By out of sight I mean, no closed doors, no lights out in the basement etc. I'm not stupid and know that I'm not going to stop everything as they are teenagers but I can't just condone it either. The girl is a little "Racey" for 14, comes over and just helps herself to my couch, even saw her "striking a pose" for my son more than once. She just does things that are far too advanced for a 14yr. old ad I'm really concerned.

In October my son asked if he could stay the night at her fathers house Halloween weekend because it was his weekend to have her. I really didn't answer, I guess I was hoping the whole situation would go away before I had to. The week before Halloween her father called me and inquired as to weather our son had mentioned this to us. I told him he did and that he had and I really didn't think it was a good idea and he felt the same way. He said he felt it would be sending the wrong message and I was relieved. But tonight my son asked if he could go on a ski trip with her and her mother, my immediate response was NO! I should have know what was going to come out of his mouth next.....WHY? I believe in my response I said something like... "I'm sure you think her mom is "REALLY COOL" but I think she must have a screw loose". I said "I'm sure you think I'm just an old mean mom but that one day he'll understand that it's because I love him and don't want him to end up in a bad situation.

What should I do? Any advice would be helpful.

[mom2lucas]

This is probably going to be unpopular, but BE THE MEAN MOM! We actually had youth in one of our youth classes ask DH and I (and these were 15 year old boys who were starting to date 14 and 15 year old girls) about "how far is too far" and "when can IT happen and she get knocked up". I am not kidding. Their education in that area was more rumor than truth.

Dh says there comes a point when you have to trust your child and let them prove their raising. I personally do not think that this time is on a ski trip with a 14 year old girl.

[JrandMdB]

I too have 3 sons and I have one that is 20 and the next is 15... there isnt an easy answer for this type of situation but I have found that trying to be as candid as I can and doing it in a fashion thats talking to them rather than "at" them helps a LOT! My 15yr is really into the girls as well and I too am not stupid and I have been having these discussions with him as often as I can. I follow through with telling him (all of them actually) even though he doesnt like my answers or doesnt agree with my answers that everything I say.. is for his protection, that as his mom its my job to make sure he is safe.

You will never be able to keep them from doing things all the time... we all know that, so just get comfortable with talking about sex and sexual topics.. it will help. GL!

[KristiaMarie]

I'm only 22 and do not have children but I agree with PP Be the parent! Too many of my highschool friends got themselves into 'bad situations' because their parents wanted to be their friend and not their parent. Seriously Good for you for what you're doing! Its not the easy way but you are doing the right thing.
I don't know how mature your son is but when I was 'younger' my mom just said it right out, "no your boyfriend cannot stay the night / you cannot go to that party / etc. because even if you have good intentions 'things' happen and you are not ready for the consequences of those actions. I am helping you by not allowing you to be in that situation." It meant a lot to me then by knowing that she was looking out for me and that she WAS RIGHT than just a "because I'm the mom and I said so" route. I felt 'respected' and adult like and it actually helped me to make mature decisions on my own. Again I want to say you are a great parent for being tough on him. HTH :)

[lookalikeadog]

mom2lucas and JrandMdB, THANKS!! Sometimes we really need to know were doing the right thing. As Moms of son's, we seem to get the overprotective label when it comes to putting the hammer down on our son's girl time. I have talked to our son about sex etc. and he gave me the "I would never do that mom, I'm not that stupid" response. At that time I had to give him the temptation speech and I really think he understood what I was saying after that.

kristiamarie, I am so happy to see someone of your age agree that I'm doing the right thing. At times I feel like I'm out of the loop because at 47, I'm usually the older parent and my views are thought to be a little old fashioned.
Glad to see some thing never change and I hope that in a few years he'll be happy that I was the Mean Mom! Thanks!

[tmsmalley]

I agree, be the mean mom. I think that you or dh should have a serious conversation with him about sex and fatherhood. I think that the conversation should be blunt about a lifetime of child support and what that would mean for his college/job/life/future girlfriends/wife plans. Not to mention that she's considerably younger than he is. The difference between 14 and 16 is a huge one. That's middle school versus high school for pete's sake! Totally inappropriate. I do know that quite often the girls are very aggressive with the boys and it sounds like that is probably the case here too. You might start watching the show Glee with him. Not sure if you're familiar with it (it is a great show with lots of singing and dancing) but the subplot is the head cheerleader (and head of the Chastity Club) is knocked up. It is totally messing up her life and the Quarterback's life (until he finds out he isn't even the father). Watching a show like that together can open the doors for some conversation about the realities of where something like this could head.

Sounds like her mother has no sense whatsoever. But I would do everything in my power to ensure that there are strict limits on their time together and it might even be worth it to talk to her mother and let her know that you feel that they are far too serious for their ages. I would absolutely not allow any overnight trips with them. Period, no matter who is supervising, no matter how many people are supposed to be there.

Tess

[CW&M Mom]

Being the mean mom is better than having to be the grandma...before you want to be.

[lookalikeadog]

tmsmalley, I do watch Glee and totally love it as does our 22 yr. old son. The 16 yr. old really isn't crazy about it and if he watches anything other than sports it's the prince of belair and full house (yea, he's 80's throwback). I have had the fatherhood talk but will give him e repeat performance soon.


'cori n wes mom, I really don't want to be the Grandma of a child born to a teenage parent. I tried to explain to all our sons how awful ti is for everyone in these situations. My older boys are well aware of the trouble as some of there friends made that mistake as well as them having relationships with girls from homes where the parents are divorced. It's just so hard for everyone, the parents, grandparents and most of all the kid.

[Lmnde]

I agree with your answers above about being the mean mom - my son is 16 and fortunately still in the mooning and adoring from a distance stage, LOL. However - that said - if they want to have sex, they will have sex - no ifs, buts or doubts about it. The staying overnight thing is just a convenience feature for that. While I have been blessed with a late bloomer in that regard, several of my friends have issues with their 12 and up kids in regards to sex, some of them actually already having had it [mainly the girls, but some boys too], others dealing with peers and peer pressure issues/tempations that are already active at that young age.

I think at 16, the talk does not only need to include preventing pregnancy and fathering a child and supporting said child for 18-21 years when they do end up having sex, but equally important is the STD/HIV talk, discussing condoms and as well as female contraception methods and the fact about combining both. And as they get closer to the magical 18 year age - potential issues about criminal sexual implications - having sex [in some states] with "underage" girls can brand a boy as a sexual predator for life if it ends up in the criminal system for whatever reason, and the longterm repercussions are awful - another thing to think and talk about with your boys.

[homescrapper]

I have to agree with your husband, AT some point we have to trust our children with the hard work we have put into them as parents.

I know that sounds contrary to what everyone else is saying but it's not ...
I MEAN that IT's not time for him to prove his upbringing yet!! IMHO WHEN THEY MOVE OUT the proving begins without our apron strings.


BUT Please continue your job as mom!!!
If it means being mean mom do it!!! How have your other sons turned out? Have one of them talk to him if you think it will make a difference.

I am a mom of 4 girls and I so want them to meet nice young men who will treat them decent and love them and make long term committments to them. It's extremely hard for them to compete with the "racey" girls. But I'm hoping they will persevere.
Remember their are moms out there that want your nice son and it's your job best you can to keep them on the right path so they can attract those nice girls later.