My mom may "write me off"

[dliver316]

I dont know where else to post this so I hope this is the appropriate place. I kinda just need to vent.
I got in an argument with my mom today as I have done as few times as I can manage over the years. She does not live in the same state as me so it is not too frequent thank goodness. But I am just sooo upset right now.
I truly feel like I am the only adult in our relationship. I try so hard to keep our relationship going and I think it is crazy that I have to walk on eggshells around her. Just as background- almost everytime we get in a fight she tells me in one way or the other that we will just never talk again - basically write me off. How can a mother do this or even say this? I also have a grandson who she proclaims to love - I know that is harsh but I wish I could describe her better to help understand. She is a control freak and I really feel that she wants to control me, my grandson and everyone else in her life. If everyone doesnt do everything her way she will disassociate with them. She has already disassociated with one of her sisters. Her way of showing love seems to be to buy gifts for us. I do appreciate everything she does but just knowing that she would always be there as my mother would mean sooo much more to me.
Once we got in an argument and I called her crying basically begging her to please not write me off. Then recently we got in an argument on a trip where she was coming back to visit me and she got out of the car when we stopped in a shopping area and we basically had to hunt her down to get her to get back in the car. And she stood out in the parking lot screaming about how she was not going to be treated this way. She doesnt like my husband which is her right, but she also doesnt understand when I take up for him. He is my husband - two become one - I dont think she understands that concept b/c she doesnt seem to have the same relationship with her husband.
And the things we get in fights about are crazy too. That last fight was b/c I just could not take her making me feel like crap anymore. She makes me feel like a horrible mother and says things that insinuate that she could do a much better job raising my son than I could. That really hurts my feelings as I do everything I can to raise my son to be happy and healthy.
But everytime I tell her how I feel, I try to say it in a way that wont hurt her feelings or make her upset but she cannot take any criticism at all. She gets so mad and I think this time may be the last time. I just dont think I can call her again and beg her to just be my mother. But the thought of not having my mother, or my son not having his grandmother, in my life is horrible - I dont know what to do. Thanks for letting me vent.

[tmsmalley]

Here's my take. First off, I had a grandmother exactly like you're describing, right down to the buying stuff thing.

Stop letting her manipulate you. You deserve better, and more importantly, your child deserves better. So what if she writes you off. There's not much being lost here. That phrase pushes your buttons, so she uses it to get what she wants. Stop letting her do that. Stop calling her, let her call you. When she calls you, if she gets unreasonable, tell her that you can't talk anymore right now and hang up.

It would be nice if we all had the Clair Huxtable mom, but we don't always get that. You've got what you've got. She's not going to be something else. You have to accept that she's not going to be that other person, she's only going to be herself. You can't change that. But you can change how she behaves with you by cutting the contact except when she is appropriate. Do it for your child if you can't do it for yourself. He doesn't need that kind of negative influence in his life, trust me.

Tess

[Cynthiabutterfly]

As I have controlling people in my family also, I understand your feelings all too well. She is creating the drama of 'writing you off' because that gives her the control of the situation, by giving you an ultimatum- Either she gets her way, or she won't speak to you.

Don't let her have that control. If she says she won't speak to you, tell her fine, good bye.

If this is the way she is treating you and your family, then you are better off without her behavior.

If she realizes this, then she'll either come around or she won't. Either way, you won't have to put up with the abuse.

[nannabownanna]

Bless your heart honey..

I am almost 49 years old and I have spent my entire life trying to "earn" my mother's love and I can tell you, it's impossible.
Love is NOT something that you can earn...it has to be given freely....it's a gift!
I grew up in a very disfunctional family, 1 or 7 children.
My mom has been married 4 times and was 1 of 6 children herself.
She has 1 living sister left and 1 living brother...she talks to neither of them.
Because, they don't do things the way she wants them to....CONTROL.

She most recently cussed me out and told me NOT TO COME TO HER FUNERAL because I refused to be part of her dividing our family with her tantrums anymore.
I will not play the game of playing this person against that one, just to make her feel important and powerful!

What I have learned is that I am loved...by my Savior Jesus, and that He has placed "spiritual" mother's in my life to take her place.
You may not have "YOUR" mother, but there is surely A mother, that would enjoy a loving daughter and grandson to spoil!

(((BIGHUG))
BLessings!

[dliver316]

Thanks for the responses. This is pretty much what my hubby and others have told me for years, but I dont know why I have such a hard time with that. I just want her in my life. Why I dont know sometimes, but I love her so much no matter what she does. And I feel so guilty b/c I feel like she is my mother and she raised me and has done so much for me that I shouldnt feel this way.
Then she does stuff like - when I told her I was going to move out and marry my hubby she threatened to kill herself. I was 19 at the time and I know it was hard on her but you have to grow up and make your own decisions sometimes. I think she honestly thought I would live in her house forever.
And I appreciate the advice on not being able to change her. I know this deep down, but I have a hard time accepting that she cant just be that "great" mother I so desperately want. Actually, I would be grateful just knowing I could tell her my feelings without being disowned.

[lmcconne]

I'm all about getting rid of the negative energy. Some people you may be able to help (staging intervention and such), others will not listen. I refuse to be the recipient of abuse.

[Kristen.C]

I would definitely recommend the book Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. It will give you tools to help improve your relationship with your mother while not allowing her to manipulate you.

[tmsmalley]

Just wanted to add that Dr. Phil talks about this all the time. He says that if you can't get what you want from the person you want it from (like a parent), then you have to give it to yourself. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Be proud of yourself. Be that mothering person you want to yourself.

And when you're tempted, look at your little boy and remind yourself that he deserves better than this.

Also, there's a book called "But I Love Him". Barnes*&*Noble.com - All Product Search: but i love him

It is for teen girls in abusive relationships with boyfriends but the principles still apply. It is abusive to tell your daughter that if she does X you will kill yourself no matter what age she is. It is abusive to set up a situation where your daughter begs you not to cut her off (especially over and over). Although she may love you in her own way, her behavior is not showing that. Don't allow her to teach your child that a) this behavior is ok for him to use one day or b) that it is ok to treat his mother this way. It isn't ok.

Tess

[rtnrjk]

Your mother is verbally and mentally abusing you. You are like a battered wife. It is hard to walk away but you need a break from this turmoil. Your mother needs help. She sounds like a very unhappy person. Please do not feel guilty if you need to walk away. Think of your child. You need to protect him.
If you have contact with your mother again and she says that she is going to disown you just say "OK. If you get help and grow up you can come back into my life. Goodbye."

[cupunlvr]

Sorry you are dealing with this, unfortunately emotionally manipulative people don't usually get better as they age, they get worse, it is a life pattern, they do it because it works for them........as long as you allow it. You have a little one to think about, you have no extra energy for toxic relationships. I'm not saying put her out of her life completely but place some boundaries and take it from there. Hope things get better for you.