My mom may "write me off"

[Clipper]

Next time she threatens to write you off tell her you're mailing her the pen.

[puakinikini]

You have gotten some great advice, so I do not have much to add. Except to say, we all WANT our parent's love, and will attempt to stay connected even when it is destructive - you have to break the cycle.

For years, I chased after my biological father, even though I had a wonderful step-father who raised me since I was 7. At age 21, I finally saw the light and stopped chasing. I never heard from him again. It is now 16 years later, I have had 3 graduations (he missed out), a wedding (he missed out), 4 beautiful children (he missed out), and countless moments in which a father and grandfather would be proud (but he missed out). Honestly, without all the pain associated with my past relationship with him, I have not missed a thing. I am my father's only child...he has missed so much, but I bet he does not even know it.

I hope that if you take a step back and stop chasing, your mother will realize what she is missing out on.

[anaj06]

(((Hugs)))

[kval07]

Do you really need the stress in your life? I say good riddance!

I have a mother (who I very rarely associate with) who is the same way and then some. She's mental. She has seven kids and the only two who talk to or see her are the ones she has partial custody of. She has put herself in to a situation where she has no husband and no kids to turn to for anything at all. And we all live within fifteen minutes of each other! This happened a few years ago and from reports I've heard from my other siblings, she is trying to reach out to us. I think it is because she realizes what a nut job she has been. She's lonely and doesn't have anyone.

I cut her out of my life and have no regrets really. I help her coupon wise when she asks for it, but we don't discuss anything more because I don't go there. I am trying to de-stress my life, and sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on. Maybe if you let her "write you off" she'll realize how irrational she is being.

[dliver316]

You guys really dont know how much I appreciate your responses but I needed them so bad.
I called her on my way to work tonight ( I know I shouldnt have) just to tell here that I was not mad and that I would let her cool off and she can call me when wants to talk rationally. She told me that she would not be calling me b/c she does not take ultimatums. So I said ok and hung up. She also said she felt like I thought I could now hold my son over her head. I told her that I would never do that. What I wanted to say was, like you did to my grandmother and aunt when I was little? She constantly told them that she would take me away and they would never see me again. She even once told them that she had dropped me off in a phone booth and they would never find me. Just b/c she was mad at them. I would NEVER do anything like this.
And you all are right. I dont want her doing this same thing to my son in the future. I will not allow that to happen. I have been on an emotional roller coaster my whole life with her never knowing when I will be thrown off. It wears me out. I am just so emotionally broke right now. I know there are so many people out there with worse problems right now.....I should not be complaining. I am just so sad.

[meems]

It really does get easier with age..I had to learn that my Mother was mentally incapable of seeing past herself, once I understood she just could NOT do it, it wasn't so personal for me.

Now that my Mom has passed, all the incredibly painful, embarrassing things she did are pretty funny & make for great stories..they no longer cause me pain.

I could tell you stories that would make you shake your head (I left home, and the state at the age of 15 it was so disfunctional)...we had some serious mental health issues we dealt with...but...it helped make me who I am today, good bad & ugly.

I married into the Cleaver family, my DH's family is everything I wished I had & then some...I couldn't have tried to get better in laws or grandparents for my children...which also explains why my DH is such an incredible man..

[loladooder99]

Wow your mother and my mil sound like the same person. Read my post under hot under the collar "mil driving me nuts". Honestly this is how I see it. I personally don't care if someone is blood related they have no right to treat me wrong. I would say to her exactly how you feel about the way she behaves and tell her if she can't change that you can't have her in your life anymore. She may not want to change at all and you have to see that as a possibility. You can ask her to try to change and hope she does or you may never be able to have a real relationship with her. Im sorry that your going through this. It sickens me that as humans we treat each other like this. So many people just don't have a heart or any kindness anymore.

Originally Posted by dliver316 I dont know where else to post this so I hope this is the appropriate place. I kinda just need to vent. I got in an argument with my mom today as I have done as few times as I can manage over the years. She does not live in the same state as me so it is not too frequent thank goodness. But I am just sooo upset right now. I truly feel like I am the only adult in our relationship. I try so hard to keep our relationship going and I think it is crazy that I have to walk on eggshells around her. Just as background- almost everytime we get in a fight she tells me in one way or the other that we will just never talk again - basically write me off. How can a mother do this or even say this? I also have a grandson who she proclaims to love - I know that is harsh but I wish I could describe her better to help understand. She is a control freak and I really feel that she wants to control me, my grandson and everyone else in her life. If everyone doesnt do everything her way she will disassociate with them. She has already disassociated with one of her sisters. Her way of showing love seems to be to buy gifts for us. I do appreciate everything she does but just knowing that she would always be there as my mother would mean sooo much more to me. Once we got in an argument and I called her crying basically begging her to please not write me off. Then recently we got in an argument on a trip where she was coming back to visit me and she got out of the car when we stopped in a shopping area and we basically had to hunt her down to get her to get back in the car. And she stood out in the parking lot screaming about how she was not going to be treated this way. She doesnt like my husband which is her right, but she also doesnt understand when I take up for him. He is my husband - two become one - I dont think she understands that concept b/c she doesnt seem to have the same relationship with her husband. And the things we get in fights about are crazy too. That last fight was b/c I just could not take her making me feel like crap anymore. She makes me feel like a horrible mother and says things that insinuate that she could do a much better job raising my son than I could. That really hurts my feelings as I do everything I can to raise my son to be happy and healthy. But everytime I tell her how I feel, I try to say it in a way that wont hurt her feelings or make her upset but she cannot take any criticism at all. She gets so mad and I think this time may be the last time. I just dont think I can call her again and beg her to just be my mother. But the thought of not having my mother, or my son not having his grandmother, in my life is horrible - I dont know what to do. Thanks for letting me vent.