5 weeks ago today my beloved husband died suddenly. I am soooo sad still

[Colinsgrandma]

My best friends husband died several years ago. Don't be afraid to lean on your friends that's why they are there. They may feel awkward at first but that is only because the care for you.One of the things my friend thanked me for later on was that I never tried to talk her out of crying..she needed to cry. She more than returned the friendship when she sat with me during my husbands heart surgery.

[bugface711]

I am so very sorry for you loss.

I think your cruise plan is a very fitting tribute to your husband.

[jaws1]

I've suffered several losses in my life ... at 6 months, I was diagnosed with polio (was lucky, only got a "chicken leg" and weak muscles out of it!), age 6, natural father died; age 9, his mother, my best-buddy died; at age 10, my childhood dog/second-best buddy died; my Mom remarried (my age 10) and I lost my Popa at age 39; just lost my Mom almost 2 years ago (my age 52) ... and that doesn't count my other grandparents, aunts, about 6 fur-kids over the years. ... I've learned a few things:

Doesn't matter if it's "expected" or not, you're never really prepared, and losing someone you love does not get easier just because you've experienced it before. That person/fur-kid held a special place in your life and your heart for a long time, now that place is "empty" and you have to let time help you.

When I was a kid, people always said, "Don't speak ill of the dead," like you'd be cursed if you did. "Suddenly," (and, PLEASE, this has NOTHING to do with OP and her DH ... I'm just stating an example) this person who no one liked being around, never paid his bills or repaid loans but was always first in line for free food became, "greatest husband, brother, son, friend you could ask for" ... even as a kid I never understood the hypocrisy.
To OP, I liked (even if you were kidding) when you said, "...okay, he was lazy"!! In my eyes, if you said the same comments/gripes about the person when they were living, then you aren't speaking "ill of the dead" ... you just ain't lying!

Remember your DH's faults along with his blessings ... it took the "whole package" for him to be the person you loved. Talk about him, remember him with friends, laugh about the ridiculous things he did/said, tricks he played or were played on him.

Go through the grieving process, but don't let yourself get lost in it ... sadness, anger, numbness ... moving forward. Would DH want you in tears constantly? or would he rather see you laughing and enjoying life? ... I don't mean going out and finding a boyfriend this week ... I mean, going to lunch with a friend and making it a point to talk about something else besides DH for at least 15 minutes. Or, if you do talk about him, make it a funny story about him ... I'm sure he'd rather be remembered with laughter than tears!

These upcoming holidays will probably be the hardest for you ... you'll plan the foods he liked, maybe you didn't; you'll think of what to buy him as a gift, might even buy it before realization sets in. -- My father's mother had been dead for 20+ years. One year, I walked in a store and saw the perfect gift for her ... hadn't even thought about buying her a gift in YEARS ... picked it up, took it to the register, was writing the check ... THEN remembered ... -- shoulda seen the look on the cashier's face when I told her to cancel the sale, as I just remembered my Granny died when I was 9 but she REALLY would have enjoyed this gift.
Even went and got my Mom to drag to the store to look at it the next day!

Don't know what part of the country you live in, but when I seem surrounded by sadness, sickness, death I find it helps to do something as simple as go sit outside and watch the birds fly, crickets jump, watch the grass grow! ... See something living and find joy in it! (I've sometimes forced myself to sit outside and watch until I could at least smile once, before I allowed myself to do something else ... . There have been times I sat out there for 2-3 hrs, before I finally allowed myself to enjoy, so ...)

Apparently your children don't live near, but maybe there's someone you know with kids ... or go to a park, store, etc. and watch particularly the little kids and/or puppies/dogs playing -- how can you not laugh at their antics?

There'll be times you just want to be alone, and that's fine ... just don't let it go on for days. If you find you're spending (what you feel) too much time alone and grieving each day, set yourself a time limit -- "Okay ... I'll wallow in my tears, sadness, and loneliness for 2 hrs(?), then I'm going to get up off my duff and go see something living and laugh!!"

Oh ... and don't think you're nuts if you talk to DH. I still talk to my daddy and granny, especially when I have those "little kid" fears. And, when I need one of my loved ones, I can feel them hug me, or touch my hair, or hear a whisper in my brain ... sure, could be my imagination, but I still like it and it makes me feel better!

Example: On 9/30/09 our 15 yr old dog-daughter died ... I talk to her almost every day. When I'm bringing home (like tonight) fried chicken, I think about how she's really going to enjoy some of it and be so excited when I walk in the door ... sometimes I get all the way home before I remember ..., then, I just smile and say, "Well, baby girl, Moma was thinking about ya!"
When my DH sees dragon flies, he thinks of my Mom. Well, he's been thinking of her a lot the last few weeks, because they're out in droves! We were sitting outside and one kept "hovering" in front of us (I know, it was riding the wind current, but I like my version!), and I told DH, "Well, you better be good! Mom's got her eye on you, and letting us know she's taking care of our baby girl!"

When I find bird's feathers on the ground, I thank Popa -- he was 1/2 Yaki indian and always talked about how his grandfather was the Medicine Man of the tribe, so feathers "go" with Popa.

OP, right now, you're probably wondering WHY? and don't want to let go. It was probably hard to let your kids go to school that first day, hard to let them move out on their own, hard to let them "decide" who they'd marry, etc. ... but you did, and you both grew from doing it. You found other things to occupy your time, as did they; they grew more independent (thank goodness!) and you grew to realize y'all had done a good job teaching them to be independent. -- Change can be very difficult, but it is usually good in the long-run.

Things happen for a reason ... like tonight. I would've never seen your post had I not been looking at another person's prior posts to find something. I don't believe that's coincidence. I believe that person was an inadvertent "go-between" so I would find your post!

It took me YEARS to understand why my daddy and granny "had" to die when they did, but it finally made some sense to me. My life would've been a lot different had they lived ... not to say it wouldn't have been better or worse, just different. Some things would not have happened that I am glad did happen.
Sometimes we never understand the WHY of it, and that's just the way it is.

A few years ago, I read a book (can't remember the name of it) that had a lot of information I didn't necessarily agree with ... BUT, it was worth reading for the one bit of information I took away from it (and this may not "sit well" with some folks, sorry if anyone's offended):
Our souls get together in heaven (or wherever) and figure out who needs to learn what lesson, who needs to teach what lessons. Then, they agree to enter each others' lives for those lessons. When those lessons are learned/taught, they will leave the others' life (whether by moving to a different area, no longer staying friends, death, etc.), but the lesson learned will remain!
Then, when all these agreements are made the soul comes to earth (is born) and the lessons begin. When the lessons of that soul are completed, they return to heaven and reassess what else they have to learn/teach, and the process begins again.

I am willing to bet that your DH taught you some of life's lessons, as you taught him, and your kids taught y'all and each other ... and every person you meet teaches/learns. Your DH's lessons were learned and taught, and his soul's contract was completed and it was time for him to move on. You apparently still have lessons to learn/teach others ... you've already stated one of them: learning to reach out to others for support!

Remember when your child was heartbroken because their first love didn't like them anymore, and you tried to console them and honestly tell them, "Things will be okay. You'll find someone else ... . Just give yourself some time ... a year from now, you won't even care!" ... and they thought you'd lost your mind and didn't know what it was to love someone?!

Well, you may or may not have another person enter your life, time will tell. And, a year from now you will remember DH, but it will be more bearable to remember ... and things WILL be okay, IF you let them, but YOU have to let them!

While you are wallowing in your grief, don't forget to take time to appreciate life. As the saying goes, you can't move forward if you're stuck in the past ... and, at some point, it's going to be time for you to move forward. Don't feel guilty about doing it, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it.
Maybe you've always been a home-body and when you move forward, you become a social butterfly ... some folks will find fault with that -- you have to do what's "right" for YOU, not worry about peer pressure, for cryin' out loud!

One caution I will make on the "moving forward" topic ... (probably unnecessary to say, but) be careful who you put your trust in, especially when they're consoling you with one shoulder and looking to see what's in your accounts with the other. Don't let grief overtake your good sense, and don't forget to listen to your gut-feelings/mother's intuition (whatever you call it)!

I apologize for this being so long, and for speaking frankly, but please understand that I mean to speak with kindness and understanding. Time does heal wounds IF we don't keep picking at the scab and opening it back up! If you find yourself feeling sad, in tears daily for what you feel is too long, talk to your family doctor or advisor. You probably already know it, but your mental health affects your physical health ... and speaking of that, don't forget to eat (watch your diet), rest, exercise, etc. You can, literally, make yourself sick ... don't do that, please.

If you should wish to pm me, please feel free. My friends and family know me as the person that will hug them when they need it or kick their tails when they need that ... and they do the same for me!

jaws

[PS, before anyone thinks about feeling bad for me because I had polio ... my folks never worried about me being "in" a gang ... they always worried about ME being the bully because I'm strong-willed and used to get in fights with boys because they foolishly called me a cripple AND/or "a girl" (as in, "you can't do that -- you're just a girl") ... and I just had to show them what a "cripple/girl" could do! -- Their momas always had my momma called into the principal's office the next day. You'd think they'd finally learn to teach their kids to behave! -- that was back in the 60s, when "cripple" was politically correct, but still made ME mad!]

[MamaVader]

I'm so very sorry for your loss, you are in my prayers.