I Need Advice - How to Divide the Bills w/Boyfriend

[Mothernature]

Originally Posted by Clipper On the surface, he sounds cheap and spoiled. He has a live-in housekeeper and financial planner and now wants you to pay half his mortgage too. Run! Run back to your children.

I am not sure where the thinking to purposely quit a job (with two teenage boy dependents) to live with a boyfriend made sense. Essentially grandma was forced to take in the kids which is not her responsibility.

Op does not have a ring so OP really has to prepare for the relationship to split first. If said boyfriend was serious, he would not ask for 1/2 of the bills. This indicates there are two different priorities of this relationship.

If I were op, I'd go back home to the kids (who should be first to begin with), and move on. Long distance relationships are possible.

ON a side note, I would go to an Endocrinologist and ask for a TPOAb if not already performed OP. If you test positive, I would ask for a GAD 85. From what you wrote, I bet your condition is anti-immunity. You appear too sick.

[Liz]

I agree with previous posters, so I won't delve too far. But there are 2 things that stand out in your post.

One. What gifts he receives from his mother are just that and aren't your concern. Further, it should not factor into what you pay for the household.

Two. If they're not his children, it shouldn't be automatically assumed that he should be footing their bills or spending money on them if he does not want to.

Its his income to spend as he sees fit. His house. If you don't like it, move on.

[sbp]

Originally Posted by xquizit9 sbp, the $500-600 is my portion after I've given him part or half of the sales. At one point, around March, when I was really sick, he did a lot of the deals for me on his own. He did the deals for 1 1/2 months. Since then I've done them like always but he still feels like I should split the profits. The reason he gives for splitting the money is because a lot of times he drives his car and uses his gas.?

I'm not sure that I can give you my honest opinion and still be gentle.

I can definitely understand why you were splitting your sales money with him while you were down and he was chasing the deals for you, and I can even understand giving him some of your sales money for car usage and gas but I think if you're giving him 1/2 of your amount every month, I don't think he should be expecting you to be paying 1/2 of the bills.

Like a PP poster said above, he would be paying his mortgage whether you were there or not, and while I can see you helping some, seeing that you are doing the household end of things, he needs to consider that too and not expect so much from you financially.

If I were you, I'd also be sure to put some of your money into an account that he doesn't have access to for an emergency account, just in case if or when the day comes that you are ready to seek out another option, you'll be a little bit more prepared financially.

I wish you luck!

[Clipper]

If I were you, I'd also be sure to put some of your money into an account that he doesn't have access to for an emergency account, just in case if or when the day comes that you are ready to seek out another option, you'll be a little bit more prepared financially.

Absolutely!

[nirwin24]

I think it's great you posted here on HCW and asked for advice and thoughts from all these fine women (and maybe some men). It's a good first step. While I definitely agree with what all the pp's have said I just wanted to let you know my bf situation b/c we have been together just about as long as the two of you have. But keep in mind we do not have children. Although I do believe their best interest should be taken care of first.

DBF moved in with me. At the time neither of us had jobs. He got laid off in Michigan and I couldn't get a job at the university like I have had in past summers between graduate assistant jobs during the semesters. While we both looked for jobs at the same time he found one first, gets paid well, and likes it. GREAT! Well, I couldn't find a job, overqualified, underqualified, etc.

Since he made 100% of the money (besides me selling stockplie, trading coupons, etc) we sat down and made a budget. We talked about what things he wanted to be "happy", money for entertainment/going out, and essential things like bills, and food. It was really great to see him give so unshelfishly when looking at what little wiggle room we had. When we were done he asked me if we could just combine our bank accounts. SHOCK. Well, why not. I do all the stuff around the house, buy groceries, and pay all the bills(take care of getting them paid that is). He just feels like right now it's his duty to take care of me and I had some savings. Once school starts(on Monday) I will start getting a paycheck again. But by then what's his is mine and what's mine is his. We both know he makes more than I do, but what matters is that we're both happy and in love. It's not really the money that matters.

I would suggest sitting down with him and actually writing out a budget if you haven't already. It doesn't sound like you bring alot of expenses to the table and once he actually sees on paper how much he spends a month it may be a different story. I also don't know what your long-term goals are together, but if you trust him, love him, and plan on being with him forever think about getting a combined checking account. This way both of your earnings get deposited per month and bills come out of this account jointly not based on splitting stockplie sales or 50/50.

Since you have children I would also talk to him about you having a seperate account in which to save money for their expenses (at a pre-determined amount per month). One that isn't hidden from him at all and that he knows what the balance. I do like the statement from pp about unconditional love vs. conditional love. Is your relationship everything you want it to be? Including financial issues? Lastly, there is no shame in moving back in with your mother and your kids.

Sorry that was long, but I do hope you get all the advice you need to make good decisions!

[beth119]

Honey...

Go back home to your kids.

Period.

[krmore]

a. I wouldn't split his mortgage 50/50 with him. It's his mortgage not yours why should you pay just as much as he does and have nothing to show for it. If he was renting a place that might be different. If he's in danger of loosing his house because the mortgage is to high tough. He shouldn't have bought a house that he couldn't afford. He wants you to pay half of everything so that he has more money to go play with. I could see like a few hundred dollars a month from you to help out with that but no way 1/2

b. I wouldn't be spliting any of my income from deals with him either unless he's actually doing them himself.

c. If he's not willing to help you out with your kids or see that they should take priority over giving him money to pay for something that he could afford on his own, dump him he's not worth it. Those kids are going to yours forever and he needs to act like a dad to them if you all are thinking long term relationship

[krmore]

Originally Posted by Liz I agree with previous posters, so I won't delve too far. But there are 2 things that stand out in your post. One. What gifts he receives from his mother are just that and aren't your concern. Further, it should not factor into what you pay for the household. Two. If they're not his children, it shouldn't be automatically assumed that he should be footing their bills or spending money on them if he does not want to. Its his income to spend as he sees fit. His house. If you don't like it, move on.

I don't agree with this. If you get into a serious relationship with a person who has kids it's sort of part of the package. If you don't want the kids too don't date the mom/dad. Get someone with no baggage.

[kval07]

First off, before any decisions are made here, you need to decide if you really love this dude. The sort of person you describe is not someone I personally would spend the rest of my life with. He sounds greedy and self-absorbed.

Now, I would NEVER expect my fiancee to care for me, and I'm sure he doesn't expect me to care for him and his son. It just isn't going to happen. I am a firm believer in being able to support yourself ALWAYS, whether you are able to right this instant, or should something happen, you already have a back up plan.

Originally Posted by krmore c. If he's not willing to help you out with your kids or see that they should take priority over giving him money to pay for something that he could afford on his own, dump him he's not worth it. Those kids are going to yours forever and he needs to act like a dad to them if you all are thinking long term relationship

This exactly. I treat DF's son as my own. If he isn't interested in your kids, why are you interested in him. I see a huge differing of values there.

Originally Posted by krmore I don't agree with this. If you get into a serious relationship with a person who has kids it's sort of part of the package. If you don't want the kids too don't date the mom/dad. Get someone with no baggage.

The question here is if the relationship is serious.

I would personally suck it up and go back to your kids. If that isn't an option, based on how much money you make, I wouldn't say you are responsible for 50% of the bills. What is he doing with the portion of money you give him every month? Depending on that, I might quit giving it to him if I were you. Why are you forcing your self to live on $25/month when he is going out blowing cash on his hobbies and fast food??

[katieyj]

I thought about responding for 24 hours, not sure you'd like to hear what I have to say. After 25 yrs of marriage I found myself divorced with 2 teenage boys. I dated on Wed and every other weekend, that's when my children went to their dad's. After a few years of that I did find someone I wanted a forever relationship with, but there was one thing he had to understand, my boys came first, period.

As for finances, we were together over a year before moving in together, the house is mine, but it is our home. A difference there. Before he moved in I told him he would be responsible for 3 bills (electric/water/cable) and a portion of the food. I do have a higher salary. I paid the other bills, and the mortgage is and always will be mine. I want my boys to know they always have a home to come home to. No matter what. Of course we've been together over 5 years now, and if I need money for anything (including my boys), he is more then happy to help me, as I am happy to help him. A good relationship is give and take.

My opinion is you need to rethink your priorities. As a product of a divorced family and also a divorced parent myself, I know the importance of children knowing they can count on their parents. Both of them in my opinion. But I can say, that no matter what happens to or with my boys, they know they can call me or come home. Today they both attend college and work, the oldest has a full time job with the state. Youngest is a sophmore and still working towards his first degree. But I can tell you both of my boys have told me that they know no matter what happens they can count on their mom and dad.

Remember relationships may come and go, but your children are forever. You need to make sure they know they can count on you always being there.

Sorry, I know that's not what you were looking for.