Marriage advice welcome- we are in a vicious cycle...long sorry.

[evelester]

Ok, I know the easiest fix is to just break the cycle myself. And I plan on doing that tonight when her gets home. But I would love advice from others to keep this from happening again.... here goes....

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, we tried to get pregnant for 3 of those years before we finally had Taylor, our 5 month old baby girl. We are quite content doing nothing, we dont have many friends, we dont go to clubs, etc. etc. Our nights consist of dinner and television- sometimes playing cards or something.

BUT- there are a few things we need to get done on a daily basis, like cleaning, picking up the yard, bathing the baby, etc. The ONLY chore my husband has is to take out the trash- which is literally just outside the back door- he does not even have to leave the one step to put the trash in the can. Aside from that, if he is able to help me make milk at night then he does. I dont ask for much, because he works 5-6 days a week- 12 hours every day. I stay home with the baby and my job is to take care of the house.

By the time he gets home I am usually exausted, from 'trying' to clean and taking care of a cranky baby since 10pm the night before, so in my perfect world he would come home, eat dinner, take a shower, throw the over flowing trash out the back door and sit down, hopefully taking the baby for a little while so I could shower/or whatever. Then everything would be done by 8pm and we could relax and watch tv or whatever (I would cuddle with him, we could even be 'personal' LOL)

BUT in my real life, he comes home, takes off his shoes in the door way, eats dinner, leaves his work clothes in the hallway, then sits down "for just a minute" sometimes holding the baby and playing with her, unless she is crying or tired then I have to do it because he can not figure out what she needs (thats a whole nother problem!) this "just a minute" of sitting rings on until 11pm and if I am really really lucky he will then take a shower, and if I bug him enough he will throw out the trash, but usually it is 'too late' and he has to work in the morning. Oh, but he will grab it on his way to work (NEVER remembers)

So anyway, it is little things like this that make me feel disrespected, things like not putting the lid on the trash can outside so the cats wont get in it, things like not leaving his pants in a pile in front of the door, things like not showering until 11pm, allllll these little things that make me a "cold dry turkey" as he put it last night. LOL I can't be mad at him for that, we were fighting and we BOTH said some really mean things.

That fight last night got ugly (verbally) and we didn't finish it, we just gave up when the baby needed us- we DO NOT fight in front of the baby, don't want to scare her.

All the fight made us realize was that we are in a cycle, he says that if I were more affectionate then he would be more inclined to do what I want him to do when I need it done, and vice versa, lol I would be more affectionate if he would do this things before 8pm.

I cant get him to understand WHY it is important to me though, I dont need him to feel the same way, I know he wont, but he things how I feel about the trash can lids is 'silly' and that I am being irrational. but it isn't the lids that bothers me, I mean it is, but it is more about what those lids being off the can say to me, they say "I dont respect or love you enough to bend over and put this lid on the can"

Am I being irrational? I really seriously do not think I am asking too much, just the little tiny things to be done in a decent hour so we can THEN relax and maybe have sex. I just cant get in the mood when everything is saying "I dot respect you!!!"

reading over this I sound a little crazy, but it is in my genes, and he knows it!

Aside from starting tonight with more affection, no matter what he does, for at least a week or so to see if that helps him stop being so..... lazy.... what should I do?

thanks for reading :-) I feel better just being able to talk about it!

[TheWoman]

I used to have the garbage problem too. It took me years to realize that if I spent 2 minutes taking out the trash when it was full it would save me an hour of being annoyed that the trash was overflowing.

more affection, no matter what he does, for at least a week or so

This is a really good start, but give it more than a week. If you make small efforts like this no matter what he does it will make your marriage happier. If he makes small efforts as well it will make your marriage a LOT happier.

[shaysbabygirls]

The first year of a child's life is the hardest on a marriage. Suddenly there are SO many things that have to be done, and it seems like 1 person either does it all so that it gets done right, or gets STUCK doing it because the other person won't.

I think that you need to sit down and write out a list (or excel it) for daily household chores. Map it all out. Make sure to put things on there that you do like once a week, twice a week, etc, and what day that it is done on.

Then, explain that you understand that he works long hours, but that by taking out the trash it shows that he is invested into helping things run smoothly.

Now, I will also tell you that the 1st year of my 5 year old's life, I could have cared less if I EVER had "relations" again. My hormones just threw me for a loop. You're tired, you deal with a child ALL day and night, and the last thing I wanted was to be touched at ALL. I wanted sleep and alone time, LOL! It caused problems, but I couldn't help it.

Once it got to where I would feel more appreciated and stuff, I started to get those feelings back. As your child starts to sleep through the night, gets more animated, etc, things will get easier, but I really think that by starting to try to change things now, that it will get better sooner! :)

You've both been through a huge transition, and your child is only 5 months old. When he gets home, hand the baby over and go take a shower. No objections from him. If you take the baby every time she gets cranky, then he'll never learn what it is that he needs to do to sooth her. You didn't know what to do at first, and you just had to keep doing things until you figured it out. You need to let him have that chance to figure it out, and get it wrong, and try until it's right :) I know, it's hard, but you need to just give her over to him. Go shopping by yourself, get out and do something not related to the baby (like, i know you don't want to go to clubs or anything, but just go grocery shopping alone). Once you separate who YOU are apart from your mommy self, you should start to feel like being more intimate. I think a lot of times women loose themselves in their children, and all their needs, that they completely forget about who they are, and what their needs are.

sorry i wrote forever. ;) I tend to type long posts myself :)

[shaysbabygirls]

Oh, and once, I heard someone (Dr. Phil?? LOL, IDK) when he walks in the door, put the baby down and KISS him hello. Focus on both of you for 30 seconds. It sets the tone for the evening.

:)

[iheartmykiddos]

YOU need to break the cycle. Don't count on him to do. He won't. When he gets home tonight (or tomorrow or whenever) have his shower all set up. Be little Holly Housewife. Be waiting for him outside the bathroom door with your brand new box of KY Yours and Mine lol. Give him some "affection". Afterwards, say in your sweetest voice "Honey, would you pllllleeeaaasssee take the trash out? Pretty please make sure you put the lid back on. See how much I appreciate it?"

Men can be trained. Mine has been for 6 years now lol. I'm not saying be little miss perfect, bow down to your man kinda thing. But give him what he wants for a few nights. After that, "reward him" for doing things like the trash or whatever. Soon, it'll be ground in to his head like Pavlov's dogs. He won't think about it. He'll just do it. It's like giving a kid a sticker for doing their chores.

Or you can go on strike. Let the trash pile up as long as it takes. Make him clean up the mess when the cats get into it. Or you can do what I do. Put the trash directly in front of the door so he HAS to pick it up to get outside. Well, it's already in my hand, so I may as well take it out.

Wow sorry to write a book. I have lots of friends going through the same thing. They're all jealous of how well my DH is trained.

[evelester]

wow, yall have some great points. I am really glad I posted.

To theWoman- you are so right LOL, it would be easy for me to do it myself, it is more if the principal of the matter I am hung up on LOL. And I like your point about me doing it more than a week, I think it will eventually make a diffrence- kill them with kindness! LOL my grandma used to say that!

and shaysbabygirls, you have some great points too- I need to give him a chance to figure it out- it wont hurt the baby to cry a little LOL I am gonna try those things! esp the 30 seconds on him part, to set the evening, it might help him transition after a hard day. :-)

thanks so much yall, I am exited for him to come home now! LOL

[evelester]

I like that idea!

YOU need to break the cycle. Don't count on him to do. He won't. When he gets home tonight (or tomorrow or whenever) have his shower all set up. Be little Holly Housewife. Be waiting for him outside the bathroom door with your brand new box of KY Yours and Mine lol. Give him some "affection". Afterwards, say in your sweetest voice "Honey, would you pllllleeeaaasssee take the trash out? Pretty please make sure you put the lid back on. See how much I appreciate it?"

Men can be trained. Mine has been for 6 years now lol. I'm not saying be little miss perfect, bow down to your man kinda thing. But give him what he wants for a few nights. After that, "reward him" for doing things like the trash or whatever. Soon, it'll be ground in to his head like Pavlov's dogs. He won't think about it. He'll just do it. It's like giving a kid a sticker for doing their chores.

Or you can go on strike. Let the trash pile up as long as it takes. Make him clean up the mess when the cats get into it. Or you can do what I do. Put the trash directly in front of the door so he HAS to pick it up to get outside. Well, it's already in my hand, so I may as well take it out.

Wow sorry to write a book. I have lots of friends going through the same thing. They're all jealous of how well my DH is trained.

[Mothernature]

Welcome to parenthood. Children can really place a large stress on your marriage.

The first red flag I saw is the lack of activities outside of the home. You guys need to go out. Even if one day a week. We really had no one we could trust to watch our son. He went everywhere: Dog track, baseball games, movies, trips, etc. We were determined not to let parenthood bog us down. As a result, DS is well traveled and behaved. He's seen and experienced things many do not in their lifetime.

The second thing I see is the communication issue. You both are working hard without appreciating the strain of the others commitments. This happens to my husband and I at times. Between school, work, lack of sleep, and other responsibilities, we tend to take the other person fore granted. You have to learn to pick your fights. If my husband is tired, I do not say anything about the garbage/recycle; I let it sit in the hall until he takes care of it the next day. Now, if he takes off his Kenneth Cole shoes without unlacing them or leaves the light on, I will gently mention it to him. Your DH has to understand that you need time without your little one; he needs to spend more time with her. Let him watch her for a while so you have a break every so often.

Third, until you guys lower the stress a bit, the bedroom issues may not resolve itself.

Fourth, it sounds like you need to get out to mommy & me classes, vacaton, college courses, etc. Something to get out to socialize, stay out of the house, and breathe.

[chriscree]

I had this same problem...so I made a list and stuck it on the door where he would see it everyday. Then its not me nagging to get things done.

I would also let him learn to be a dad. It does not happen over night and is very easy for us moms to jump up every time the baby cries.
When he sits down go to the bathrooom turn on the radio and get in the shower. It will be sink or swim dear and I tell ya what He will get it. He will find what works for him. Your baby will then also find new ways to be calmed or calm herself. Which by the way are some very useful tools to know.

Habits are easy to get into and hard to break.

[loladooder99]

You know whats funny is this sound just like me and my husband. We have only been married for 2 1/2 years but i would argue and argue with him about not taking the trash out,leaving his pants all over the floor, leaving coke cans with cigg ashes in them everywhere,etc,etc,etc. I tried everything from not picking up after him to yelling and even being nice and writing him letters to tell him exactly how i feel. Disrespected is how i felt by his laziness. But now I've come to realize that he is not going to pick up his pants after almost three years. When he gets to the trash he gets to it. I remind him and remind him. he isn't trying to be mean to you its just pure laziness. THe thing about being a sahm is we don't have alot to focus on and the annoying things our husbands do tend to set us off when they are in our face all day every day for years. When you confront your husband the best thing to do is to keep it simple short and in a tone thats not mean. If you drag it out into a long conversation or start pointing fingers guys just shut down. You could just say to him. "look i love you but I would really appreciate it if you would do your part and take out the trash and give me a break for just a little while with the baby." "I feel very disrespected by your lack of attention to my needs and thats why I don't feel affectionate to you." The thing to remember is we married them for a reason and we married their bad habits. We can't change them but learn to live with it. That does not mean that they should be lazy all the time but it does mean that we shouldn't go crazy everytime they leave their pants on the floor. Otherwise I and other people would be crazy.