Has anyone ever had to put elderly parents in nursing home?

[qponqueen]

This is such a heart-breaking thing to have to do. My mother is 95. I have two brothers living with her who are both in their 70's, and they can no longer deal with her meaness and helplessness. I live two blocks away and have put in as much time caring for her as my brothers have, and we are all just pooped and tired of being told to go to Hell while she throws things and spits out her meds. (Yes...severe dementia). This has been going on for 12 years, but now is worse than ever and my brothers are worrying about her out-living THEM! There is so much I don't know and where to begin. She has about $38,000 in the bank that I am sure will go to her care. But the house is owned by her and one of my brothers jointly, and am not sure how that will work. It is his home, and we certainly don't want to let the house go. If anyone has been through all this and has any advice, I would appreciate it.

[latte]

My advice (as from working in a nursing home for a year---which i loved by the way)
1) INTERVIEW THEM BEFORE YOU CHOOSE ONE TO PUT MOM IN!!!!!
2) watch how the cnas/nurses/staff INTERACT with the residents
3) resident to staff ratio---different states have different rules on this one, but where i worked i had 40 residents to take care of on a nightly basis(me and one other cna )---which was WAY too many because i feel if a resident NEEDS 30 minutes, whether its for getting dressed, a shoulder to cry on, a person to read to them, to help with daily activites THEY DESERVE 30 MINUTES NOT THE 5 MINUTES I HAD---to me that equates as "if a resident needs 30 minutes, they deserve 30 minutes not 5 or 6 because if i cant give them the time they need that is improper care and i will NOT knowingly give improper care"
4)apply for medicare/medicaid to help offset the cost if needed(you would be surprised at who qualifies
5)the whole family NEEDS to be on board and even though its hard for you and your family to do this, your mom still needs you even if she isnt in your care constantly, but the simple act of sitting with mom if even for a few minutes a day, can greatly impact how mom reacts to being in a nursing home(i saw way too many residents that didnt have family come and see them)
6) this is YOUR mom---be her advocate

[Andra]

I am so sorry you have had to make this decision. It is a difficult one, but it sounds like your mother needs medical care that you and your brothers can't give her right now.

I do not have first hand knowledge of the laws for your area, but I have a great aunt in Florida that had to go to a nursing home and she owned a condo. Her son had been paying the property taxes on the condo for years before she went into the home. He told me that under Florida law if you pay the property taxes for a certain number of years that it legally becomes your property. Again, I don't know how true this is, definitely research the law to make sure, but if it's true and your brother has been paying the taxes on the house it shouldn't be too hard for him to keep the house.

I also know that some places are more expensive than others depending on the level of care she needs. So you want to research and figure out what it will cost per year. Contact the homes nearest to you and ask to meet with someone and discuss your options. Some of the better places have waiting lists too, so don't delay calling even if you are not ready for her to go today you can call today and get her a wait list.

[puakinikini]

So sorry you are going through this - I empathize with what you and your family are going through. We had to put my grandfather into an assisted living facility a few years ago and it was very hard for all involved. He was paranoid about us stealing his money (very common in dementia) and was very opposed to moving out of his home of 65 years. It was very hard on my mother and strained her relationship with her siblings.

I do have to say that now looking back I wish our family had made the decision to do it earlier. He is well cared for and appears happier - I think the socialization is good for him - he was very isolated. As a family, we are all less stressed about whether he was getting enough supervision at home and now are not worried about his safety. Right before we made the decision, he had done some highly questionable behaviors that really had us worried.

I wish I had some advice for you - but I think you just have to think about what would be best for all involved. I think sometimes that means looking at other living arrangements. I do have to say that it is important to research the facility very well - we did a lot of work on this and made sure to find a place that he would like - even if he did not like the idea of it.

[ILv2Shop]

I have been through this. It is so hard to deal with. We kept trying to take care of mom (dad, who was 89, dh and I) but she had several strokes and it was taking its toll. We even pulled her out of the nursing home twice to try again.
The best advice to get great care for your loved one is show up at all hours of the day. Midnight, mornings just lots of pop in visits. You have to demand (in a nice way) that she be treated in a dignified manner. I was there constantly. Always on them to make sure she wasn't neglected.
BTW, I REALLY appreciate your post latte. Awesome advice. You really cared about your residents. How a person treats the elderly really tells alot about them.

[GMACLAUS]

We had to do this as well with both my parents and both my husband's parents and I am now taking care of my husband at home with hospice help to keep him out of a nursing home though it is killing me. Our parents are all gone now. I spent all afternoon with my mother when she went in and she didn't remember I had been there (severe dementia also). She wandered the halls looking for me and got in anyone's bed in other rooms. They all looked the same to her.

In Michigan if a son or daughter takes care of a parent (I think it is for 5 years) to keep them out of a nursing home and the parent runs out of money and the parent has to go on Medicaid to pay the nursing home bill then the house can go to their child. Of course the son or daughter has to keep making the house payments if there is a mortgage. And must Pay the taxes. Most states want the house and any assets to go to the state to pay back the state if a person goes on Medicaid to pay the nursing home bill. You will be surprized how fast the money goes. See a lawyer who specializes in these things and/or a social worker.

[GMACLAUS]

I agree to pop in unexpected. We practically lived in the nursing home with them when our parents were there. We knew what was happening with them better than the staff did. We didn't want them to feel abandoned and whatever they needed we got if it wasn't provided.

You can take them out shopping and outings, home for holidays and for family gatherings etc. You just can't stay awake 24 hours a day unlike a nursing home which has people awake 24 hours a day to make sure they are ok.

Mom was up all hours putting herself in danger when she was on her own and Dad kept falling so he quit getting out of his chair and couldn't walk or transfer.

[hopeky94]

I know this must be a very difficult decision to have to make, and I pray my siblings and I never have to make it for our parents

On the issue of the house: every state has different laws when it comes to property issues (especially related to Medicare/Medicaid). Find a local attorney who is experienced in this and schedule a time to sit down with him with all the legal documents, explain the situation, and find out exactly how the matter of the house will be handled, as well as any other legal matters you need to take care of that you may not be aware of (changes in will, power of attorney, etc).

My thoughts and prayers are with you, your mom, and your brothers through all of this!

[beth119]

A big hug to you!

We went through this with my grandmother 2 years ago.

She had Alzheimers and in the end there wasn;t much choice. Luckily, my grandparents had long term care insurance. This gave the option of choosing almost any home, and made a HUGE difference. Does your mother have this?

I agree with a pp, hire a local attorney. They will know best to what direction you should go in, and all your options. :)

[qponqueen]

Thanks to all of you for your support & advice. I hope that Adra is right about the laws in Florida, which is where we live. My brother has paid ALL the house expenses for many many years...taxes, insurance. repairs, utilities, groceries etc. Visiting at all hours will be no problem, as I am a VERY early riser and am often out shopping at my 24 hr cvs's and Walgreens at 3:00 a.m. My favorite time of day! I have contacted Elder affairs , and they say they are going to put me in touch with an attorney who specializes in the affairs of elder care. I guess it is time to start looking around at the differant facilities. If there is anyone in the Tampa area who knows a good place to start looking, please share it with me. Again, thanks to all of you.