Tough---advice help or encouragement please

[frugalicious08]

ups and downs

Okay this may be long but I feel so much like getting it all out so please listen if you can.

I grew up dirt poor (not enough to eat at times). On top of that my parents were never very good with money at all. If they had it they spent it because "it was about time" and they never had it. That may not make sense to you but it was their logic. No one ever taught them I suppose. DH and I had 10k in credit card debt a year ago today we are to about one third or less than that. Only recently after a seminar at our church did we get really SET on it. Taking it very seriously.

I was a lot like my parents "treating myself" a lot here and there. I felt I deserve it because I work so hard and I do. I know it sounds crazy but if anyone saw confessions of a shopaholic I related a lot to that girl maybe not that extreme but retail therapy definitely made it feel better or going to a nice meal to "forget it for a minute". I suppose it was/is my way of running from or "taking a break" from my problems.

You see I am a bit of a complusive people pleaser and overachiever. i work full time and have basically two positions at the school though i am only paid for the one. I make up for it by getting overwhelmed then procrastinating at times. I also am a grad student and simulataniously putting another certification on my teacher license. i cannot even think sometimes. I come home make dinner for DH and I; clean and do homework and usually thats it usually. This past weekend it was like 4+ hours of paperwork; 10+ hours of homework; and then housework no play for me. I guess shopping is like my temporary escape as well as going out sometimes. I want to stop though. I want to be a saver and stop being a slave to my stinkin debt! At one point my credit card bills were 600 a month. I still pay more than that now but at least the bills are going down. I just want a good balance between saving and spending. I don't want to go into the extreme other way.

Couponing has helped A LOT. I am mad I never knew before lol. This group is like my online anti-spending support group and shows me i can make a game of shopping for next to nothing a savings game.

This weekend though like I said I think I fell off the wagon a bit so did DH. We went out to get a drink 2x 12 a piece (really good for us) then had lunch with friends. We are coming off a 30 day no eating out at all not even fast food strike. LOL We spent 37 on eating out total which wouldn't bother me so bad if it wasn't 3 times. Then we went to Wally World (Wal Mart) last night to get a few things on our list. We only bought the list but for pillows; a mattress cover; hangers socks and three candles (well candles were a still with Qs) it was 86 dollars and I feel we could have got a much better deal. I feel guilty.

Then he emailed me from work (I am at work too (on lunch of course)); and said his coworkers want us to go out with them tomorrow to celebrate this guy (crazy pervert guy's) promotion. I am thinking NNNNNOOO more spending we need to stop! Am I being extreme? Did I fall off the wagon? Am I going the other way? Should we just go with coworkers? Hmmm this is hard stufff.

[puakinikini]

I have been there, done that with similar circumstances. I feel for you. I would turn down the invitation as I do think it is important not to stay off the wagon for too long (and you don't even care for the guy who is being celebrated). And yes, it sounds like you may have fallen off the wagon (temporarily). No judgement here, as it is important to take a break occassionally from exclusively paying off debt, but it should be more planned and incorporated into your budget. Dave Ramsey's books have really helped me with all of this financial stuff. I did not exclusively follow his advice, as I paid off my high interest cards first, along with my medical debt - but the general philosophy is invaluable. I got his books through trading on paperbackswap- a great resource for used books.

Good luck!

[cupunlvr]

Commend yourself for stopping the fall quickly and move on. Just tell DH honestly how you feel and suggest you make an excuse not to go to upcoming social event. Good luck

[manders13]

Originally Posted by cupunlvr Commend yourself for stopping the fall quickly and move on. Just tell DH honestly how you feel and suggest you make an excuse not to go to upcoming social event. Good luck

agreed

I am very proud and look up to you for what you have doen so far. Me and DH have been saying for months now we need to stop and look at.. well as soon as we do a day or 2 goes by and its out the window.


We are going on vacation next week, and i made a budget and im sticking to it. When we get back same budget in tow and will stay in tact (only eat out ONCE a week and it MUST be less then $25)

what kills me is there is "never anything to eat in our house...." but my freezers and cabinets are SOOOOOOOOO over loaded

[loveebella]

OM-Gosh I so totally feel you. I love to eat out or go shopping just a little here a little there. I have statements showing we spent 200 in eating alone. My hubby is the only one who works..we cannot spend that kind of money. I also know the we never have anything to eat in out house. I am trying to cut back and we are even cutting back on our eating out. Once in a while is okay for us. You should join the October living off your Stockpile Challenge it really puts into perspective all the little things.
And about the pillows and stuff..if you needed it you needed it. There are still lots of items I have to pay full price. No worries, you are doing an excellent job!

[tmsmalley]

I think it is really important to not completely deprive yourself so that you don't have this kind of backlash. If you (for example) do one dinner every two weeks (payday) but agree not to spend more than $40 on it, then you won't feel like you have to go nuts and break out of prision with 3 outings and 12 drinks each. You can also make a priority list of things that you want to buy like new pillows and sheets. Then you can get 1 priority thing each payday or each month to a certain limit. So, maybe this month you get the new pillows, next month you get the new sheets, but you're never totally deprived and you don't go crazy buying everything in the store.

Hope this helps a bit! Keep trying and hang in there! You ARE making progress!
Tess

[kittensqueak]

Good luck.

Don't go out with the colleague...send a card or tell him congrats...but you don't have to go out and spend $$.

[MaryMary]

Try to find another hobby which doesn't cost money.
Reading? Getting together with friends but not in the restaurant?
Please keep in mind that there are a lot of way to reward yourself without spending a lot. Never measure anybody (yourself included) by the amount of money they (or you) have.
From the description of your life I feel you need a bit more structure and to review your priorities. Making more money shouldn't be #1 neither shopping and acquiring material things.
You are doing steps to liberate yourself, keep it up. Going out and spend money when you do not really like the guy is a step backward.

[newatthis]

Originally Posted by tmsmalley I think it is really important to not completely deprive yourself so that you don't have this kind of backlash. If you (for example) do one dinner every two weeks (payday) but agree not to spend more than $40 on it, then you won't feel like you have to go nuts and break out of prision with 3 outings and 12 drinks each. You can also make a priority list of things that you want to buy like new pillows and sheets. Then you can get 1 priority thing each payday or each month to a certain limit. So, maybe this month you get the new pillows, next month you get the new sheets, but you're never totally deprived and you don't go crazy buying everything in the store. Hope this helps a bit! Keep trying and hang in there! You ARE making progress! Tess

This is what we do- buy a new thing that we really do needs but costs more than a few dollars every payday.It puts things into perspective.

DOn't go out with the colleage. There is no shame in being on a budget- AND following it. Lots of people try and they should respect you for attempting to get control of what you have. Budgeting is responsible! My dh and I get invites out to eat all the time and half of the time we have to say- sorry, we don't have any eat out money. That's that. In 5-10 years we should have lots of eat out money because we control our spending now, while paying off our debts. Have you cut your credit cards up? If not, then you'll always have them to fall back on for an "emergency" and that is exactly what you don't want!

Also, unless you are perfect, you will mess up. You made a mistake this month. Do your best not to repeat it next month and the next month, and so on.

[joshmamabear]

Good thing about your situation is you acknowledge there is a problem. The next step is a follow thru and do what you have to do. As an encouragement, I share with you this: Do not spend money you don't have for anything you don't need. That will keep you on track.

Everything I know about finances, I learned it from a frugal grandmother who taught me compounded interest when I was in 4th grade. I have been saving since that time (and she matched it like a 401K lol) and I'm almost half a century old now Our parents encouraged us to get a degree to get ahead in life. I'm glad we followed them and my sibs and I are very grateful because we were raised in a culture where parents paid for their kids education up to law school/med school/grad school. Now that I live here, I intend to give the same privilege to my kids so they can start their lives debt-free after graduation.

Its okay to treat yourself once in a while. Just don't get into the habit and spend left and right because you can swipe your plastic card. again, go back to default: don't spend money you don't have...

You can do it!!!